there are some things i have to say. i've been having a lot of "the feelings" lately, mainly about inconsequential things. like real human emotions. i'm not quite sure what to do with myself. so, to deal this influx of humanity, i've been watching a lot of dexter and eating a lot of quesadillas as i furtively check the weather reports in hopes that we'll get a snow day and i can sleep in and wallow in my own squalor instead of getting up and facing twenty shining faces of kids who literally cannot control their little bodies and their excitement for the impending holiday. shit's whack. they're all looney tunes these days, and it's rubbing off on me. OMG i'm off track. THE POINT IS, I HAVE FEELINGS. THEY ARE:
1. devastation. i am absolutely (and completely irrationally) wracked with despair and desolation over the heartbreaking split of michael c. hall and jennifer carpenter. like, i actually had a coronary when EW first reported the news. i gasped and clutched my chest and bemoaned the end of this brief but adorable romance. it doesn't help that i've been re-watching dexter on netflix, so their faces are fresh in my mind. but whyyy, guys? i mean you beat cancer together but you can't beat a little "irreconcilable differences"?? i just honestly have no words. this break-up has just been a knife to my heart. they just seemed happy! and i have a weird penchant for real life couples who are on the same show (in case you were wondering, i believe there are now currently 5 -- yes, i listed in my bereavement). i know i get way too attached to celebrity couples, but the past few weeks have really sent me into a tailspin, and this was just the cherry on the shit sundae.
2. hope. GUYS. i recently heard a radio interview with the love of my life, sir matthew gray gubler. HE IS SINGLE!!!!!1 I didn't even know this. based on some internet stalkage I have done, i kind of thought he was in a relationship with some beezy model who is even two years younger than i am which would give them a whole decade of age difference, BUT!!!!!! seriously i am squealing just thinking about it. the interview was conducted on Nov. 13, 2010 and mgg said, and i QUOTH, "a nice, friendly, well intentioned lady, i would not be averse to." L:FKSH:HL:KDHGSDF:JK EXCUSE ME!!! i am all of those things. well, i'm nice in real life. the anonymity of the internet just lures me into going all bitchy on certain people (miley, stephanie "vamp" moyer, etc.) i can't help myself, i'm an addict. the point is, in real life, i am (though still delightfully sardonic), nice. and friendly. i'm a goddamn 2nd grade teacher. they PAY me to be friendly. (oh wait, no they don't. i pay them to be friendly since getting your masters is not exactly a mo' money mo' problems situation. just the mo' problems part). the POINT IS, i can really crank up the sunshine until it's shining out of my ass. you are welcome for that visual. AND, i think anyone would has ever read this blog (so, two people) would know that my intentions re: the delectable dr. reid are nothing less than WELL. i mean, i want to sex him up, move into an artistically decorated apartment with him, bake him cookies and meet his coworkers, and eventually marry and reproduce with him. lovingly. can you think of any better intentions?!?! SO, this holiday season, there's a lot to be hopeful for. i can feel it in my bones that 2011 is the year of me + mgg.
sexually deprived. i'm going through a spell. a dry one. it is not great, and i see no end in the vicinity. can i just say HOW annoying is it that in order to be "respectable" and "classy" and all that other bullshit, you have to put in a goddamn metric ton of effort?! so, FIRST of all you have to find a boy. one who preferably doesn't repulse you in any way. this is more difficult than one might think. THEN, you have to put in a lot of face time and act all annoyingly flirty and you have to talk about your interests and your goals and your hobbies and it's just all so dumb. PLUS, you have to pretend to be interested in hearing all of those things about him, when really your end goal is just to get off, not get a boyfriend. frankly, it's exhausting. THEN, you have to put in a few make out sessions and blow jobs. ugh. if i were queen of the word, i would outlaw blow jobs except for maybe one day a year. or, whenever i felt like giving one. ANYWAY, THEN you have to get your lady parts all ready for business. i'm not going to lie -- mine have closed up shop. but you have to make sure you're looking fly. and then, FIIIIINALLY, lightyears later, you're finally DTP. But like, why does it have to be such a process? i just wish it was socially acceptable to skip all those incessant steps and get right on to the main event. i blame the puritans. motherfucking prudes.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
i've always known how i would die. and not in the emo-macabre way that it immediately sounds, because i hate emo more than anything. Genuine human emotions make me want to vom, let alone an excess of them, so i promise i'm not being emo. it's just -- i know how i'm going to die. the exact details are still a little hazy and open-ended, but i am fairly confident in the fact that i will meet my maker in a way that would really only be plausible on some sort of ridiculous television show, like the reverse of "I survived!" on TLC. Basically, I believe death will come to me after a series of bizarre accidents that have like a one in a million chance of actually occurring, nevermind in a consecutive sequence and to one human bean.
I'm not actually very clumsy, which might be startling. i'm just mildly retarded. I have actually had a few graceful moments in my life but they are always tempered by my inability to actually function as a legitimate human; my fourth-grade ballet recital springs to mind. i ripped that stage to shreds with my perfectly executed pirouettes. brimming with pride and ego, i pranced off stage and immediately slammed my body into a large pillar, stumbled backwards, and took out three of my peers. So it's like my body can't decide if it's human, and therefore whether or not it wants to behave accordingly or if it's a malfunctioning corporeal body. frankly, it's irritating and results in injuries both to my person and my ego.
One would think that by this time in my life, i'd be immune to humiliation. i mean, i've been publicly mortified in pretty much every way humanity has come across in the history of the world. i've slipped on ice and landed ass-up in front of crowds of people. i've peed my pants in public. (true story. i have really poor bladder control, and sometimes the combination of copious amounts of southern comfort + a rap battle between two of the whitest people i know is just too much. i thought i was going to throw up i was laughing so hard, but instead i crumbled into a little heap on the ground, and wheezed, "i'm peeeeeeeeeing!" i was. luckily, i was wearing a skirt, and being the classy girl i am i just...well, i discarded my undergarmets in a downtown trash can and continued to live my life, girl. in retrospect, not a proud life moment. WOW longest parentheticals evAR). the POINT IS, judging by my past indiscretions, i should truly have no shame. and yet, somehow, like a raccoon in the night, it keeps creeping back.
now that i've established that i have little to no control over my own body (functions and otherwise), and embarrass myself easily in public, i think you can see how i would come to the likely conclusion that i will die in a series of unfortunate events, accidentally, and through no fault other than my own. the reason why this thought has come jarring back into my mind is because i actually almost died in a startlingly similar fashion just today. i was on campus, walking home from the education department. i was by myself, but there were plenty of people out and about, milling around, being collegiate assholes and whatnot. all of a sudden, my foot hit a stick on the path. I skidded on the stick for a second, regained my footing, and metaphorically wiped the sweat of my brow. NOT FOUR SECONDS LATER did my other foot hit a divot in the sidewalk. down i went, but it wasn't just a typical fall. My huge, heavy bag swung around off my shoulder and slammed into my hip (where, coincidentally, i already have a large bruise from when i walked straight into the corner of our (wooden) futon frame. in broad daylight. with my eyes open), and i went down on my stomach, the knitting needle in my bag merely an inch from my jugular. like, REALLY world? reeeeally?
so, long-windedness aside, if you ever see an obituary that involves a tramautic fall, a rusty can opener, flailing body limbs, black ice, and seems altogether unbelievable, i've departed this dear world. and obviously, i've done it in high fashion. if you come to my funeral, you can expect ample cat stevens music, absolutely no prayers other than those sung by sir bon jovi, and a superfluous amount of alcohol that my family is inhaling under the guise of grief and self-medication. enjoy!
I'm not actually very clumsy, which might be startling. i'm just mildly retarded. I have actually had a few graceful moments in my life but they are always tempered by my inability to actually function as a legitimate human; my fourth-grade ballet recital springs to mind. i ripped that stage to shreds with my perfectly executed pirouettes. brimming with pride and ego, i pranced off stage and immediately slammed my body into a large pillar, stumbled backwards, and took out three of my peers. So it's like my body can't decide if it's human, and therefore whether or not it wants to behave accordingly or if it's a malfunctioning corporeal body. frankly, it's irritating and results in injuries both to my person and my ego.
One would think that by this time in my life, i'd be immune to humiliation. i mean, i've been publicly mortified in pretty much every way humanity has come across in the history of the world. i've slipped on ice and landed ass-up in front of crowds of people. i've peed my pants in public. (true story. i have really poor bladder control, and sometimes the combination of copious amounts of southern comfort + a rap battle between two of the whitest people i know is just too much. i thought i was going to throw up i was laughing so hard, but instead i crumbled into a little heap on the ground, and wheezed, "i'm peeeeeeeeeing!" i was. luckily, i was wearing a skirt, and being the classy girl i am i just...well, i discarded my undergarmets in a downtown trash can and continued to live my life, girl. in retrospect, not a proud life moment. WOW longest parentheticals evAR). the POINT IS, judging by my past indiscretions, i should truly have no shame. and yet, somehow, like a raccoon in the night, it keeps creeping back.
now that i've established that i have little to no control over my own body (functions and otherwise), and embarrass myself easily in public, i think you can see how i would come to the likely conclusion that i will die in a series of unfortunate events, accidentally, and through no fault other than my own. the reason why this thought has come jarring back into my mind is because i actually almost died in a startlingly similar fashion just today. i was on campus, walking home from the education department. i was by myself, but there were plenty of people out and about, milling around, being collegiate assholes and whatnot. all of a sudden, my foot hit a stick on the path. I skidded on the stick for a second, regained my footing, and metaphorically wiped the sweat of my brow. NOT FOUR SECONDS LATER did my other foot hit a divot in the sidewalk. down i went, but it wasn't just a typical fall. My huge, heavy bag swung around off my shoulder and slammed into my hip (where, coincidentally, i already have a large bruise from when i walked straight into the corner of our (wooden) futon frame. in broad daylight. with my eyes open), and i went down on my stomach, the knitting needle in my bag merely an inch from my jugular. like, REALLY world? reeeeally?
so, long-windedness aside, if you ever see an obituary that involves a tramautic fall, a rusty can opener, flailing body limbs, black ice, and seems altogether unbelievable, i've departed this dear world. and obviously, i've done it in high fashion. if you come to my funeral, you can expect ample cat stevens music, absolutely no prayers other than those sung by sir bon jovi, and a superfluous amount of alcohol that my family is inhaling under the guise of grief and self-medication. enjoy!
Thursday, November 25, 2010
it would be easy for me to write off today, thanksgiving, as just another random thursday, but a shitty one because 30 rock isn't on. you see, i've had to cancel my thanksgiving plans (going to maine with dear roomie), on account of the fact that I was recently diagnosed with a sinus infection, and ear infection, and bronchitis. the doctor at the clinic was indelibly impressed with my outrageously strong immune system, because apparently i should have figured out i was dying like a week earlier than i did, because my body should have shut down already. sooo yeah. i'm stuck in worcester, massachusetts, the shittiest place in the entire country, sipping on gatorade and drowning my sorrows in broad-spectrum antibiotics. so you can see where i could throw up my hands at the whole "giving thanks" shabang and retreat to the cave that is my bed, but i'm actually in a pretty great mood. and it might just be the drugs talking, because lord knows i've had a lot today, but i have a lot to be thankful for.
1. first and foremost, i am thankful for twitter. twitter is the best invention in the world. except maybe like, toothpaste and laptops. i believe i've mentioned once or thrice how twitter allows me to stalk celebrities with reckless abandon; if you know me at all, you'll know this is all i ever want in this world. more specifically, twitter has allowed me and my main man, a certain Mr. Gray Gubler, to inch closer and closer to lovahs status. I mean, he might not know it yet, but beeelieve me, it's happening. it's like a slow moving "accio" spell -- like i've lost my voice and haven't completely mastered nonverbal spells yet (just, go with it, okay? deathly hallows part 1 coming out just reaffirmed my extreme sadness that i'm forever destined to remain a muggle). OKAY the point is, i'm dually thankful for twitter and it's main purpose in my life, allowing me to grow closer to MGG. I now know a looot more about him, and will use this excessive knowledge to my advantage when I move down to LA to stalk him. And, I'm still clinging to the slimmest hope that someday he'll tweet me back. because really the only online relationship i can get on board with is one that ends with me and MGG bumping uglies in his Criminal Minds trailer. Which would be, ultimately, more ideal than doing it in a bed in his (i'm sure artistically decorated) apartment, because I could walk out of the trailer post-coital and see my #5 girl crush paget brewster and be all, "oh sup, girl". see, i have it all worked out. foolproof.
2. secondly, i'm thankful for the genius who invented netflix. i actually know this genius because i've babysat for his kids because they live across the street from my bff's grandma in santa cruz, but SERIOUSLY thank you sir-whose-name-i-can't-remember-but-your-kids-are-cutiebeans. as i've been wallowing around in a pit of crumpled kleenex and coughdrops, netflix instantwatch has been my savior. one show in particular has kept me occupied as i cough up half a lung -- psych. ALL of the first four seasons are on netflix, just waiting for me to click play. SO considerate! also, i'm thankful for IMDB.com because it was really bothering me that i couldn't figure out what the girl detective in psych (maggie lawson) was from, and then imdb informed me that she was in one of the greatest disney channel original movies of all time, model behavior, with the one and only justin timberlake. honestly, when this movie came out in the year a-twothouuusand, i was a twelve year old with overalls and a dream. and my dream was basically a world in which my two favorite things (disney channel original movies and justin timberlake) would collide. AND THEY DID! and maggie lawson was a part of it. so of course, she's been retroactively added to the girl crush list (eh, let's go with #8). zANYWAYS, the point is, thanks netflix, for keeping a girl entertained.
3. thirdly, i'm very grateful for the fact that my schmorgesboard (how the fuck do you spell that word? if only the rat from charlotte's web were here...right? whoa that's a weird and random insert into this post but a memory of watching that movie and sobbing uncontrollably just burst into my mind) of illnesses has wiped out my appetite. usually, this is the time of the year where my figure balloons up to roseanne-like proportions (okaaay, a bit of an exaggeration), because i like to do this thing where i eat a whole pecan pie by myself, after going back for round 5 with my friends Mashed Potato and Buttered Roll. so, it's kind of a nice change that this year, i have no appetite and therefore may even be a little svelte-r than i was before. althouuuugh...i could probably force down a pecan pie if i had one. it'd be a waste not to, you know. i guess it's a good thing i'm sequestered to this teensy apartment with no pie in sight. so i'm thankful for the fact that i'm just in my inert state of no-toned-ness, and not entering into the territory of general flabbiness.
i don't know if you were expecting a somewhat less superficial thanksgiving blog post from me -- if you were, clearly you're not quite familiar with the way i live my life (poorly, judging by my festering illnesses and withdrawal like symptons stemming from my lack of alcohol for the past week), but i do want to say that i am truly thankful for my beautiful friends who mock me mercilessly and love me unconditionally, my whack-a-doo family and their slightly abrasive alcoholic but altogether supportive spirit, and my puppy and kitten who are the cutest little baby beans in the entire world. and of course, a shout out to my new BFF -- broad spectrum antibiotic FTW! (a bigger win, perhaps, if it didn't have a warning label that read "may cause diarrhea". but, can't win 'em all).
1. first and foremost, i am thankful for twitter. twitter is the best invention in the world. except maybe like, toothpaste and laptops. i believe i've mentioned once or thrice how twitter allows me to stalk celebrities with reckless abandon; if you know me at all, you'll know this is all i ever want in this world. more specifically, twitter has allowed me and my main man, a certain Mr. Gray Gubler, to inch closer and closer to lovahs status. I mean, he might not know it yet, but beeelieve me, it's happening. it's like a slow moving "accio" spell -- like i've lost my voice and haven't completely mastered nonverbal spells yet (just, go with it, okay? deathly hallows part 1 coming out just reaffirmed my extreme sadness that i'm forever destined to remain a muggle). OKAY the point is, i'm dually thankful for twitter and it's main purpose in my life, allowing me to grow closer to MGG. I now know a looot more about him, and will use this excessive knowledge to my advantage when I move down to LA to stalk him. And, I'm still clinging to the slimmest hope that someday he'll tweet me back. because really the only online relationship i can get on board with is one that ends with me and MGG bumping uglies in his Criminal Minds trailer. Which would be, ultimately, more ideal than doing it in a bed in his (i'm sure artistically decorated) apartment, because I could walk out of the trailer post-coital and see my #5 girl crush paget brewster and be all, "oh sup, girl". see, i have it all worked out. foolproof.
2. secondly, i'm thankful for the genius who invented netflix. i actually know this genius because i've babysat for his kids because they live across the street from my bff's grandma in santa cruz, but SERIOUSLY thank you sir-whose-name-i-can't-remember-but-your-kids-are-cutiebeans. as i've been wallowing around in a pit of crumpled kleenex and coughdrops, netflix instantwatch has been my savior. one show in particular has kept me occupied as i cough up half a lung -- psych. ALL of the first four seasons are on netflix, just waiting for me to click play. SO considerate! also, i'm thankful for IMDB.com because it was really bothering me that i couldn't figure out what the girl detective in psych (maggie lawson) was from, and then imdb informed me that she was in one of the greatest disney channel original movies of all time, model behavior, with the one and only justin timberlake. honestly, when this movie came out in the year a-twothouuusand, i was a twelve year old with overalls and a dream. and my dream was basically a world in which my two favorite things (disney channel original movies and justin timberlake) would collide. AND THEY DID! and maggie lawson was a part of it. so of course, she's been retroactively added to the girl crush list (eh, let's go with #8). zANYWAYS, the point is, thanks netflix, for keeping a girl entertained.
3. thirdly, i'm very grateful for the fact that my schmorgesboard (how the fuck do you spell that word? if only the rat from charlotte's web were here...right? whoa that's a weird and random insert into this post but a memory of watching that movie and sobbing uncontrollably just burst into my mind) of illnesses has wiped out my appetite. usually, this is the time of the year where my figure balloons up to roseanne-like proportions (okaaay, a bit of an exaggeration), because i like to do this thing where i eat a whole pecan pie by myself, after going back for round 5 with my friends Mashed Potato and Buttered Roll. so, it's kind of a nice change that this year, i have no appetite and therefore may even be a little svelte-r than i was before. althouuuugh...i could probably force down a pecan pie if i had one. it'd be a waste not to, you know. i guess it's a good thing i'm sequestered to this teensy apartment with no pie in sight. so i'm thankful for the fact that i'm just in my inert state of no-toned-ness, and not entering into the territory of general flabbiness.
i don't know if you were expecting a somewhat less superficial thanksgiving blog post from me -- if you were, clearly you're not quite familiar with the way i live my life (poorly, judging by my festering illnesses and withdrawal like symptons stemming from my lack of alcohol for the past week), but i do want to say that i am truly thankful for my beautiful friends who mock me mercilessly and love me unconditionally, my whack-a-doo family and their slightly abrasive alcoholic but altogether supportive spirit, and my puppy and kitten who are the cutest little baby beans in the entire world. and of course, a shout out to my new BFF -- broad spectrum antibiotic FTW! (a bigger win, perhaps, if it didn't have a warning label that read "may cause diarrhea". but, can't win 'em all).
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
i feel like i am disproportionately bitter on this blog. and i don't love that because in real life, i'm not actually bitter at all. slightly sardonic? absolutely. endearingly quirky? so they tell me. but bitter? notsomuch. (another pressing reason why i feel the need to jump to my own defense is that i have an elaborate daydream where some cupid-esque soul directs MGG to this blog, and if (when!) that were to happen, not only would I want him to know that we are soulmates (we are!!!) but I would die of shame and sadness if he thought I were some sort of beezy with a capital b). the POINT is, in light of the fact that i feel like i'm coming off like katherine heigl by shitting over everything, I just wanted to take the opportunity to address the fact that there are many a thing that i love. and by love, i mean LOVE. i'm actually slightly bipolar in the way i live my life because it's not often that i merely like or dislike something -- i tend to go to extremes (and yet, i hate extremists...). like, i HATE twilight. but i LOVE harry potter. and in between are a few things, but really only stuff like mushrooms, fake pearl necklaces, and the later Narnia books that got all sexist (because i LOVE the rest of the series, too). Sooo, yeah. Strong opinions formed with alacrity, generally for no legitimate reason.
now that i've cleared myself, i am in fact going to take the time to talk about a few things that i have inappropriately strong emotional reactions to in the land of entertainment:
1. the rumored romance of chelsea handler & 50 cent. i DO NOT like this. let me start off by saying, i am a large fan of chelsea handler. like, maybe i want her to be my stepmom and maybe i have (another) elaborate fantasy where she invites MGG on her show and is like, "you know, i've got this amaaazing stepdaughter..." (quick sidenote: I AM SO TORN between my desire for MGG to read this and know we should be lovahs and my desire for him to NEVER KNOW i am a human who writes on a blog). okay, but so yeah. Chelsea. Love her. she is insanely witty and smart and i really like her no-bullshit attitude. I used to be really pretty ambivalent about 50 cent. i mean, i loved "in da club" as much as any 9th grader during it's hey-day, but like...it's 50 cent. who the f cares. So why does this bother me so much?! I honestly don't know. I mean, clearly I have the disillusion running through my head that chels belongs with my father, who is, interestingly enough, not fiddy. Furthermore, it's just like...I feel like if you are going to date a black rapper, you could do a lot better. A lot hotter. Like Usher, who is also recently single I believe. Shit, Beyonce is a black musical artist and I'd definitely do her over half-dollar (but I mean, who wouldn't? It's fucking beyonce. PUN intended). Anyway, I'm really angry about this and Chels just tweeted at me (heh, and 2014458 other people) that ol' 50 cent is going to be on her show tonight. I WANT ANSWERS but really i only want one and that is: we are not penetrating.
2. willow smith and her whipping hair. i'm not going to lie, i like this song. i think it's catchy as the flu in 1918, and her heart hairstyle in the music video is honestly one of the bombest things i've ever seen in my life (second only really to goldie hawn in the flesh), but i just.can't.do.it!! first of all, girl is nine. NINE! my second graders are almost nine, and they are still picking their noses and can't handle sitting still for read-aloud for more than 4 minutes. i feel sad for willow! i feel like she should be out running around like a crazed banshee and not actually being filmed whipping her hair around like a fucking veela! also, i have (some would say unreasonable) hate for the entire pinkett-smith clan because 1. they all have the same name -- will, willow, jada, jaden. shit's conceited! and 2. they are scientologists, and i do NOT get down with that insanity. so i'm having a really hard time with this. whenever the song comes on, i look like i'm having a seizure because as my body obeys the lyrics and attempts to whip around, my mind is screaming "NO! NO! THE SCIENTOLOGISTS ARE TRICKING YOU! SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING IN THE TRACKS LIKE IN JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS!!" which, by the by, is an exquisite movie. certainly tara reid's finest hour, although i don't think it had any competition. oh, except for american pie. and taradise. and obviously my boss's daughter. OKAY SO i really like tara reid and secretly want her to make a huge comeback a la britney 2009 vmas. SUE ME.
now that i've cleared myself, i am in fact going to take the time to talk about a few things that i have inappropriately strong emotional reactions to in the land of entertainment:
1. the rumored romance of chelsea handler & 50 cent. i DO NOT like this. let me start off by saying, i am a large fan of chelsea handler. like, maybe i want her to be my stepmom and maybe i have (another) elaborate fantasy where she invites MGG on her show and is like, "you know, i've got this amaaazing stepdaughter..." (quick sidenote: I AM SO TORN between my desire for MGG to read this and know we should be lovahs and my desire for him to NEVER KNOW i am a human who writes on a blog). okay, but so yeah. Chelsea. Love her. she is insanely witty and smart and i really like her no-bullshit attitude. I used to be really pretty ambivalent about 50 cent. i mean, i loved "in da club" as much as any 9th grader during it's hey-day, but like...it's 50 cent. who the f cares. So why does this bother me so much?! I honestly don't know. I mean, clearly I have the disillusion running through my head that chels belongs with my father, who is, interestingly enough, not fiddy. Furthermore, it's just like...I feel like if you are going to date a black rapper, you could do a lot better. A lot hotter. Like Usher, who is also recently single I believe. Shit, Beyonce is a black musical artist and I'd definitely do her over half-dollar (but I mean, who wouldn't? It's fucking beyonce. PUN intended). Anyway, I'm really angry about this and Chels just tweeted at me (heh, and 2014458 other people) that ol' 50 cent is going to be on her show tonight. I WANT ANSWERS but really i only want one and that is: we are not penetrating.
2. willow smith and her whipping hair. i'm not going to lie, i like this song. i think it's catchy as the flu in 1918, and her heart hairstyle in the music video is honestly one of the bombest things i've ever seen in my life (second only really to goldie hawn in the flesh), but i just.can't.do.it!! first of all, girl is nine. NINE! my second graders are almost nine, and they are still picking their noses and can't handle sitting still for read-aloud for more than 4 minutes. i feel sad for willow! i feel like she should be out running around like a crazed banshee and not actually being filmed whipping her hair around like a fucking veela! also, i have (some would say unreasonable) hate for the entire pinkett-smith clan because 1. they all have the same name -- will, willow, jada, jaden. shit's conceited! and 2. they are scientologists, and i do NOT get down with that insanity. so i'm having a really hard time with this. whenever the song comes on, i look like i'm having a seizure because as my body obeys the lyrics and attempts to whip around, my mind is screaming "NO! NO! THE SCIENTOLOGISTS ARE TRICKING YOU! SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING IN THE TRACKS LIKE IN JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS!!" which, by the by, is an exquisite movie. certainly tara reid's finest hour, although i don't think it had any competition. oh, except for american pie. and taradise. and obviously my boss's daughter. OKAY SO i really like tara reid and secretly want her to make a huge comeback a la britney 2009 vmas. SUE ME.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
something exciting has happened in the world of television lately, and i'm sure you know exactly what i'm talking about. yep, of course -- tlc's new genius series SISTER WIVES. there are a few reasons why i'm peeing my pants in glee over this programming gem. 1. it's like a real life big love and who could resist a chance to get your polyg on without having to deal with chloe sevingy and her bullshit? 2. i love me some weird family viewing, like the duggars or the late great jon + kate plus 8. 3. weirdly religious people intrigue me, similarly to the way a moth is drawn to a deadly flame. OKAY so obviously i was SO pumped for this brilliant new show, and even stayed up past my bedtime of 10pm to watch the premiere last sunday night. my roommates and i were ready. we had popcorn, we had cozy blankets, and we had more than enough judgement ready to be whipped out.
and then we watched. and it presented the oldest dilemma of all (i'm looking at you, tyra banks) -- is the premise/concept of the show entertaining/ridiculous enough to account for how absolutely irritating/retarded the people in it can be? i have a few problems with sister wives:
1. the dad, kody. IS A HUGE DOUCHE-TOOL. first of all, he spells his name with a k. automatic eye roll from me. then he was just all weird and annoying. Your polygamy jokes aren't funny, dude -- i still think you're all sorts of freaky for believing in this hoo-ha. and, even if you're smart enough not to believe but just say you do to get three wives (which, a tip of the imaginary top hat for that), that's still pretty douchey. also, your little anecdotes about how you can't remember which wife's closet your clothes are in? NOT FUNNY. we wanna hear more about the sex schedules and less about boring daily life. that's what people are interested in, sir. also cut your goddamn hair! who do you think you are? your own fourth wife? get that shit cut, you look like you're going through gender reassignment. something tells me your church wouldn't quite be cool with that. also, are you even aware you have 13 children? and, do you know anything about children? i guess you wouldn't need to with 3 mothers around, but good GOD sir at least try to remember their names! take a tip from your fellow TLC dad, Jim Bob Duggar (who I'm 100% convinced does not know which of his 19 children go with each of his 19 J-names) and start calling everyone "buddy". then the whole world of america won't know that you're more interested in banging your 3 wives to make babies than in actually raising them.
2. the third wife. first of all, did anyone else get the impression that girlfriend doesn't know up from down (or an upper from a downer)? maybe it's pregnancy brain, but lady didn't seem to have a full basket of french fries up there. what really sealed it for me was when she described that her ultimate life-time goal was to be a third wife. now, i can't really judge anyone else for their ultimate life dreams when mine include but are not limited to becoming sandra bullock's nanny and marrying matthew gray gubler, but REALLY? all you've ever wanted in life is to become a THIRD wife? why could that be? well, luckily she explained to us:
a. she didn't want to be a first wife because she never wanted to be in a relationship alone with a man (btw, this revelation came after i had already announced to my roommates that i had a lesbian suspicion)
b. she didn't want to be a second wife because they were just a wedge in the relationship of first wife and husband
c. third wife = perfection.
this logic, while sound for a crazy person, makes me wonder many things. like how a third wife isn't just a wedge between two separate relationships, or how she's had 5 kids when she obviously can't stomach the thought of being with a man. HOPEFULLY TLC shares my curiosity and will be addressing these questions post haste on the show.
3. the freshly "courted" soon-to-be fourth wife. i actually don't have a problem with her at all, but how unfair is it that "k"ody just gets to pick a hot (did you see her? especially comparatively, girlfriend's got it going on) piece of new ass once he gets bored of his 3 aging wives under the guise of "multiplying love" and "religion"??? i'm one, offended as a woman who would be really pissed to be traded in for a younger model, and two offended as a non-religious person who would just have to have a regular ol' run of the mill affair. UGH. so annoying. like, kody wins because now he gets to have sex with this good looking broad, but everyone else loses. the three wives lose because they have to share more, and the courted miss loses because she has to have sex with kody! so sexist, those polygamists. AND next week i think kody and the new lady KISS BEFORE MARRIAGE!!! shit, son. how disrespectful. i cannot even believe the horror. kissing before marriage?!?!?!?!?!?! i mean, you have sex with two other women on a regular basis but GOD FORBID you touch your lips to someone else's before you stand up and say nonsense words in front of your tri-wifed family.
i'm going to give sister wives another week, mainly because i'm hoping to get more dirt on the sex schedule and why one of the kids is named mykelti. but if this train of insanely annoying people continues, i'm going to have to give this show the axe. because, and i never thought i'd say this, i'd rather be watching chloe sevingy.
and then we watched. and it presented the oldest dilemma of all (i'm looking at you, tyra banks) -- is the premise/concept of the show entertaining/ridiculous enough to account for how absolutely irritating/retarded the people in it can be? i have a few problems with sister wives:
1. the dad, kody. IS A HUGE DOUCHE-TOOL. first of all, he spells his name with a k. automatic eye roll from me. then he was just all weird and annoying. Your polygamy jokes aren't funny, dude -- i still think you're all sorts of freaky for believing in this hoo-ha. and, even if you're smart enough not to believe but just say you do to get three wives (which, a tip of the imaginary top hat for that), that's still pretty douchey. also, your little anecdotes about how you can't remember which wife's closet your clothes are in? NOT FUNNY. we wanna hear more about the sex schedules and less about boring daily life. that's what people are interested in, sir. also cut your goddamn hair! who do you think you are? your own fourth wife? get that shit cut, you look like you're going through gender reassignment. something tells me your church wouldn't quite be cool with that. also, are you even aware you have 13 children? and, do you know anything about children? i guess you wouldn't need to with 3 mothers around, but good GOD sir at least try to remember their names! take a tip from your fellow TLC dad, Jim Bob Duggar (who I'm 100% convinced does not know which of his 19 children go with each of his 19 J-names) and start calling everyone "buddy". then the whole world of america won't know that you're more interested in banging your 3 wives to make babies than in actually raising them.
2. the third wife. first of all, did anyone else get the impression that girlfriend doesn't know up from down (or an upper from a downer)? maybe it's pregnancy brain, but lady didn't seem to have a full basket of french fries up there. what really sealed it for me was when she described that her ultimate life-time goal was to be a third wife. now, i can't really judge anyone else for their ultimate life dreams when mine include but are not limited to becoming sandra bullock's nanny and marrying matthew gray gubler, but REALLY? all you've ever wanted in life is to become a THIRD wife? why could that be? well, luckily she explained to us:
a. she didn't want to be a first wife because she never wanted to be in a relationship alone with a man (btw, this revelation came after i had already announced to my roommates that i had a lesbian suspicion)
b. she didn't want to be a second wife because they were just a wedge in the relationship of first wife and husband
c. third wife = perfection.
this logic, while sound for a crazy person, makes me wonder many things. like how a third wife isn't just a wedge between two separate relationships, or how she's had 5 kids when she obviously can't stomach the thought of being with a man. HOPEFULLY TLC shares my curiosity and will be addressing these questions post haste on the show.
3. the freshly "courted" soon-to-be fourth wife. i actually don't have a problem with her at all, but how unfair is it that "k"ody just gets to pick a hot (did you see her? especially comparatively, girlfriend's got it going on) piece of new ass once he gets bored of his 3 aging wives under the guise of "multiplying love" and "religion"??? i'm one, offended as a woman who would be really pissed to be traded in for a younger model, and two offended as a non-religious person who would just have to have a regular ol' run of the mill affair. UGH. so annoying. like, kody wins because now he gets to have sex with this good looking broad, but everyone else loses. the three wives lose because they have to share more, and the courted miss loses because she has to have sex with kody! so sexist, those polygamists. AND next week i think kody and the new lady KISS BEFORE MARRIAGE!!! shit, son. how disrespectful. i cannot even believe the horror. kissing before marriage?!?!?!?!?!?! i mean, you have sex with two other women on a regular basis but GOD FORBID you touch your lips to someone else's before you stand up and say nonsense words in front of your tri-wifed family.
i'm going to give sister wives another week, mainly because i'm hoping to get more dirt on the sex schedule and why one of the kids is named mykelti. but if this train of insanely annoying people continues, i'm going to have to give this show the axe. because, and i never thought i'd say this, i'd rather be watching chloe sevingy.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
something happened this sunday that i just can't get over. my mind still creeps back to the minute this particular conundrum entered my life, and frankly, it's interfering with my ability to do things such as...well, that was a bold statement and honestly i'm still living life per usual (so, you know, binge eating pirates booty in my bed for three straight hours every night while i watch friends repeats and wallow that each of their lives is seven hundred and fifty times cooler than mine). BUT, i really have been thinking about this a lot and i need to get it out before it eats me alive.
the scene: me, roomies 1 & 2. Driving back from NYC where we had just celebrated the birth of former roomie. Literally the most hungover goobs in the entire world, bleary eyed and surrounded by more bagels than is appropriate for three girls. we're trying to stay awake and avoid delirium, as we had gotten a mere 4 hours of sleep after dancing it up near union square for a cool SEVEN HOURS the night prior (yeah, that's no typo. imagine, if you will, a drink-up situation wherein you pay a small fee and get unlimited drinks for a few hours. then imagine this club can't handle me blasting through stereos. then take it up several notches. then, spend two hours trying to get back to queens and almost dying many times in varying ways and degrees of seriousness. and that is our night. and early morning. and mid-morning). THE POINT IS, we were playing kill, fuck, mary, which is the most genius game ever invented. or so i thought.
it was all fine and dandy (kill fuck mary jim, michael, and dwight from the office -- obviously marry jim, fuck michael (blech but i mean...not great is better than unbearable when it comes to sex, amirite?!) and kill dwight. preferably with a beet), until dear roomie #1 poses this query:
"kill fuck marry jennifer garner, jennifer aniston, jennifer lopez."
and then, my brain exploded. because it's like OMIGOD WHAT my choices are too good! i know some of you might be thinking...really? j.lo? with garner and aniston up there, j.lo? BUT yes, friends, jennifer lopez. i mean, first of all, i have an irrational love for the movie selena, as should all human beings. second of all, i have an irrational love for the album "this is me...then", particularly jenny from the block, which may just be my personal ghetto anthem. you know, aside from damn it feels good to be a gangster, which is just my personal life anthem. okay, so now that that's cleared up, back to the dilemma.
the thing is, i LOVE jennifer aniston. which you may or may not know. but like -- i don't want to marry her, you know? I want to marry jennifer garner, who is so wholesome and such a good mom and is so sweet and cute but can also kick ass. you know? she's just so...all american, and in the good way like diversity and democracy not in the bad way like tea baggers and opposing rights for anyone who is not a white male. so, obviously i'd want to marry her! i just really think she'd be a great wife.
but then, who do i want to fuck? jen aniston or j.lo? the thing is, just as i don't really want to marry her, i don't particularly want to fuck jennifer aniston. you can't deny that jennifer lopez is all kinds of sexy, especially when she is walking the streets of brooklyn in a belly shirt and fire hydrants are going off and shit. like, i bet she'd be a firecracker in the sack. and i'm always looking for some more bedroom excitement, ya know?
but then....where does that leave my all time celebrity girl crush?! there's only one option left, and i would rather stab myself through the brain with a rusted machete than kill jennifer aniston. which bodes well for her, i suppose. but the point is -- i just want to be her best friend. ooor perhaps her stepdaughter. either one. it would feel sacrilegious to do the dirty with her and i don't want to have to get into married people fights like who can and can't have sex with angelina jolie, i just want to hang out and drink and tan and shop and hang out. but there's no option for that in kill fuck mary!!! that's the flaw of this once-genius game! and that's what has been keeping me up until 10:30pm every night. i just had to get it out.
p.s. one would think this could go without saying seeing as i've said it a billion times so far, but i just re-read this post and feel it must be said again, but i really am NOT a lesbian.
the scene: me, roomies 1 & 2. Driving back from NYC where we had just celebrated the birth of former roomie. Literally the most hungover goobs in the entire world, bleary eyed and surrounded by more bagels than is appropriate for three girls. we're trying to stay awake and avoid delirium, as we had gotten a mere 4 hours of sleep after dancing it up near union square for a cool SEVEN HOURS the night prior (yeah, that's no typo. imagine, if you will, a drink-up situation wherein you pay a small fee and get unlimited drinks for a few hours. then imagine this club can't handle me blasting through stereos. then take it up several notches. then, spend two hours trying to get back to queens and almost dying many times in varying ways and degrees of seriousness. and that is our night. and early morning. and mid-morning). THE POINT IS, we were playing kill, fuck, mary, which is the most genius game ever invented. or so i thought.
it was all fine and dandy (kill fuck mary jim, michael, and dwight from the office -- obviously marry jim, fuck michael (blech but i mean...not great is better than unbearable when it comes to sex, amirite?!) and kill dwight. preferably with a beet), until dear roomie #1 poses this query:
"kill fuck marry jennifer garner, jennifer aniston, jennifer lopez."
and then, my brain exploded. because it's like OMIGOD WHAT my choices are too good! i know some of you might be thinking...really? j.lo? with garner and aniston up there, j.lo? BUT yes, friends, jennifer lopez. i mean, first of all, i have an irrational love for the movie selena, as should all human beings. second of all, i have an irrational love for the album "this is me...then", particularly jenny from the block, which may just be my personal ghetto anthem. you know, aside from damn it feels good to be a gangster, which is just my personal life anthem. okay, so now that that's cleared up, back to the dilemma.
the thing is, i LOVE jennifer aniston. which you may or may not know. but like -- i don't want to marry her, you know? I want to marry jennifer garner, who is so wholesome and such a good mom and is so sweet and cute but can also kick ass. you know? she's just so...all american, and in the good way like diversity and democracy not in the bad way like tea baggers and opposing rights for anyone who is not a white male. so, obviously i'd want to marry her! i just really think she'd be a great wife.
but then, who do i want to fuck? jen aniston or j.lo? the thing is, just as i don't really want to marry her, i don't particularly want to fuck jennifer aniston. you can't deny that jennifer lopez is all kinds of sexy, especially when she is walking the streets of brooklyn in a belly shirt and fire hydrants are going off and shit. like, i bet she'd be a firecracker in the sack. and i'm always looking for some more bedroom excitement, ya know?
but then....where does that leave my all time celebrity girl crush?! there's only one option left, and i would rather stab myself through the brain with a rusted machete than kill jennifer aniston. which bodes well for her, i suppose. but the point is -- i just want to be her best friend. ooor perhaps her stepdaughter. either one. it would feel sacrilegious to do the dirty with her and i don't want to have to get into married people fights like who can and can't have sex with angelina jolie, i just want to hang out and drink and tan and shop and hang out. but there's no option for that in kill fuck mary!!! that's the flaw of this once-genius game! and that's what has been keeping me up until 10:30pm every night. i just had to get it out.
p.s. one would think this could go without saying seeing as i've said it a billion times so far, but i just re-read this post and feel it must be said again, but i really am NOT a lesbian.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
recently, in an act that was meant to be supportive and problem-solving, one of my beloved roommates, A, direly insulted me. what could she have done? welp, dear friends, she first insinuated and then flat-out advocated for a match.com profile for yours truly. that's right. she wants me to get online, PAY to look through hundreds of pictures of hairy dudes who may or may not have inappropriate relationships with their mothers, and then hang myself with my computer charger cable when, in fact, love does not come a-knocking. FALSE, asshole. i told her i was greatly offended and she couldn't seem to understand why she had committed such a transgression. there are MANY reasons why i am repelled and outraged by this seemingly harmless suggestion for my personal life. WELL...
1. i KNOW the new match.com commercials emphasize that one in five relationships start online these days, and i even know a few happy couples who have, but... doesn't online dating still reek of desperation? and i don't mean that i would judge anyone for doing it, because if you knew some of my online habits you'd see the stone/glass house situation i'm in (also, i understand that that makes it sound as though i'm involved in some sort of cyber child sex slave ring, but i'm not, really. i was more alluding to the frequent hours spent on twitter wildly stalking b-list celebrities). it's just, if i were to join match.com, it's like i would be resigning to the fact that i can't even interact with real humans in the real world anymore. and even though my mom has expressly detailed my aspergers-like tendencies more than once, i still do crave real human interaction. it's like, why would you go online for the CHANCE to have cyber sex when you could just go outside (and not pay!!) for the CHANCE to have real sex?! real sex should ALWAYS win!! and the same principle applies to dating.
2. dating online, frankly, is a terrifying endeavor. you could easily stumble upon some sort of rapist/child molester and unwillingly find yourself in some sort of to-catch-a-predator situation. shit's no good. it's the oldest story on the internet -- you discover a seemingly legitimate man on the interwebs, his picture is a little j.crew-ish and he likes reading and hiking. you set up a date at a local italian place, and then you find yourself beat up in an alleyway with your identity on a plane halfway to shanghai. NO and THANK YOU.
3. creating a profile on match.com just opens you up to judgement and ridicule. i fully recognize that it's completely hypocritical to adore judging others as much as i do and then not allow it to be reciprocal, but come on! and what if someone else is on match.com that i know?! i would die of humiliation if anyone in the world knew that i was apparently out of options. AND I SHOULDN'T BE!! I am 22 for godsakes. and maybe that's old for a playboy playmate, but sweet jesus it's not like i'm 52 and unmarried, living with my seventeen cats and wearing sweaters with applique on them. i honestly feel like the only way it's acceptable to feel like an old maid at 22 is if you are some sort of weirdly religious anti-feminist domestic type. obviously i am zero of those things (except i'm obviously anti-feminist when it suits my purposes, i.e. crying my way out of a speeding ticket). THE POINT IS, just as i have ridiculed those who get married at our age, i would equally hate and rip apart someone who had given up on the real world and had turned instead to the cold comfort of technology to find a mate.
4. the bz roommate in question, is in fact in a serious relationship. she's in loooove and she's so happy and blah blah blah whatEVAR. and you know what? she hasn't been single for more than a month in the past 8 years. LITERALLY. isn't that the most annoying thing you've ever heard? suck it, asshole. the world may have given up on me, BUT I'M STILL HERE.
1. i KNOW the new match.com commercials emphasize that one in five relationships start online these days, and i even know a few happy couples who have, but... doesn't online dating still reek of desperation? and i don't mean that i would judge anyone for doing it, because if you knew some of my online habits you'd see the stone/glass house situation i'm in (also, i understand that that makes it sound as though i'm involved in some sort of cyber child sex slave ring, but i'm not, really. i was more alluding to the frequent hours spent on twitter wildly stalking b-list celebrities). it's just, if i were to join match.com, it's like i would be resigning to the fact that i can't even interact with real humans in the real world anymore. and even though my mom has expressly detailed my aspergers-like tendencies more than once, i still do crave real human interaction. it's like, why would you go online for the CHANCE to have cyber sex when you could just go outside (and not pay!!) for the CHANCE to have real sex?! real sex should ALWAYS win!! and the same principle applies to dating.
2. dating online, frankly, is a terrifying endeavor. you could easily stumble upon some sort of rapist/child molester and unwillingly find yourself in some sort of to-catch-a-predator situation. shit's no good. it's the oldest story on the internet -- you discover a seemingly legitimate man on the interwebs, his picture is a little j.crew-ish and he likes reading and hiking. you set up a date at a local italian place, and then you find yourself beat up in an alleyway with your identity on a plane halfway to shanghai. NO and THANK YOU.
3. creating a profile on match.com just opens you up to judgement and ridicule. i fully recognize that it's completely hypocritical to adore judging others as much as i do and then not allow it to be reciprocal, but come on! and what if someone else is on match.com that i know?! i would die of humiliation if anyone in the world knew that i was apparently out of options. AND I SHOULDN'T BE!! I am 22 for godsakes. and maybe that's old for a playboy playmate, but sweet jesus it's not like i'm 52 and unmarried, living with my seventeen cats and wearing sweaters with applique on them. i honestly feel like the only way it's acceptable to feel like an old maid at 22 is if you are some sort of weirdly religious anti-feminist domestic type. obviously i am zero of those things (except i'm obviously anti-feminist when it suits my purposes, i.e. crying my way out of a speeding ticket). THE POINT IS, just as i have ridiculed those who get married at our age, i would equally hate and rip apart someone who had given up on the real world and had turned instead to the cold comfort of technology to find a mate.
4. the bz roommate in question, is in fact in a serious relationship. she's in loooove and she's so happy and blah blah blah whatEVAR. and you know what? she hasn't been single for more than a month in the past 8 years. LITERALLY. isn't that the most annoying thing you've ever heard? suck it, asshole. the world may have given up on me, BUT I'M STILL HERE.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
my brain doesn't really work anymore. blerg.
i love my job. working with second graders is the best profession EVARRR because short of becoming angelina jolie (the technology for which i haven't quiiiiite perfected yet -- but rest assured, i'm working on it), it's the most complimentary. i mean that literally. seven year olds are super needy and just want you to love them, so hanging out with them every day for eight hours a day is a real self-esteem boost. little girls will raise their hand specifically to tell you that they like your (plain and boring) dress. they'll run up to you on their tiny legs in the morning and give you big hugs and tell you they love you. i've honestly never felt better about myself! who wouldn't want to surround themselves with such laudatory little humans? it's like in one of my favorite movies, aquamarine (yes, one of my favorites. my movie tastes are that of an emotionally misunderstood tween. case in point: i'm currently watching legally blonde 2: red, white and blonde. and loving it). aquamarine, in case you were wondering, is the heartfelt tale of two best friends (emma roberts and jojo of 'leave, get out' fame) who find a mermaid washed up on shore, looking for love obviously, and together they have a summer full of hilarious misadventures overcoming the tribulations of being a teenaged girl, sigh. THE POINT IS, in the movie, Aquamarine (the mermaid girl -- not to be confused with Milagros, the real-life girl from i wanna say, Peru, who was/is actually a mermaid girl but fortunately received successful surgery and now can walk and is taking swim lessons (although...i'm betting she could swim just fine before...)) has starfish earrings that heap praise upon the wearer in weird, smurf-like voices. the slightly terrifying starfish earrings are precisely like my second graders -- i'm actually LOVING this simile i've created. they have teensy little voices, can't tell you enough how great you are, and also leech onto you and have no concept of personal space. lesson learned: second graders are starfish.
second graders are also kind of DUMB. mine are actually academically pretty legit, and have been wowing me continuously with their reading skillz, but good GOD seven year olds are not the brightest some time. Example One: picture a little girl handling scissors like a crazy person, and sneakily looking around the classroom before reaching said scissors up to her bangs. then imagine me sprinting across the classroom and grabbing the offending supply out of her mischievous hands.
"What are you doing!?" I exclaim, as I assumed that second graders would know that cutting flower petals out of construction paper does not necessitate in any way a haircut.
"Nothing."
"Were you going to cut your hair?"
"No."
"Okay, good, because that wouldn't be a good choice. At school, we use scissors to cut paper, never hair. Please be careful."
Repeat this conversation with the same child three times in the next hour. Finish project, walk students to gym, and come back to discover a small area of the floor under the aforementioned students' desk slightly furry. Example Two: it's lunchtime, and i'm on duty which means i go around and open ketchup packets and stop arguments about pudding vs. cookies and generally hate my life. the last five minutes of lunch time is quiet lunch, and the lights are turned down so that the children remember to eat and that lunch is not merely social hour. it works surprisingly well. except, there are always the chatterboxes. i overhear this from one of my girls during quiet lunch --
"...and jacob sitting in a tree, k-i-"
"girls! you need to be quiet, and finish your lunch. you shouldn't be talking at all, let alone about that, it's not very nice." then of course, the denial (plus a little extra)...
"I wasn't!!!!! ..... but they are."
i love my job. working with second graders is the best profession EVARRR because short of becoming angelina jolie (the technology for which i haven't quiiiiite perfected yet -- but rest assured, i'm working on it), it's the most complimentary. i mean that literally. seven year olds are super needy and just want you to love them, so hanging out with them every day for eight hours a day is a real self-esteem boost. little girls will raise their hand specifically to tell you that they like your (plain and boring) dress. they'll run up to you on their tiny legs in the morning and give you big hugs and tell you they love you. i've honestly never felt better about myself! who wouldn't want to surround themselves with such laudatory little humans? it's like in one of my favorite movies, aquamarine (yes, one of my favorites. my movie tastes are that of an emotionally misunderstood tween. case in point: i'm currently watching legally blonde 2: red, white and blonde. and loving it). aquamarine, in case you were wondering, is the heartfelt tale of two best friends (emma roberts and jojo of 'leave, get out' fame) who find a mermaid washed up on shore, looking for love obviously, and together they have a summer full of hilarious misadventures overcoming the tribulations of being a teenaged girl, sigh. THE POINT IS, in the movie, Aquamarine (the mermaid girl -- not to be confused with Milagros, the real-life girl from i wanna say, Peru, who was/is actually a mermaid girl but fortunately received successful surgery and now can walk and is taking swim lessons (although...i'm betting she could swim just fine before...)) has starfish earrings that heap praise upon the wearer in weird, smurf-like voices. the slightly terrifying starfish earrings are precisely like my second graders -- i'm actually LOVING this simile i've created. they have teensy little voices, can't tell you enough how great you are, and also leech onto you and have no concept of personal space. lesson learned: second graders are starfish.
second graders are also kind of DUMB. mine are actually academically pretty legit, and have been wowing me continuously with their reading skillz, but good GOD seven year olds are not the brightest some time. Example One: picture a little girl handling scissors like a crazy person, and sneakily looking around the classroom before reaching said scissors up to her bangs. then imagine me sprinting across the classroom and grabbing the offending supply out of her mischievous hands.
"What are you doing!?" I exclaim, as I assumed that second graders would know that cutting flower petals out of construction paper does not necessitate in any way a haircut.
"Nothing."
"Were you going to cut your hair?"
"No."
"Okay, good, because that wouldn't be a good choice. At school, we use scissors to cut paper, never hair. Please be careful."
Repeat this conversation with the same child three times in the next hour. Finish project, walk students to gym, and come back to discover a small area of the floor under the aforementioned students' desk slightly furry. Example Two: it's lunchtime, and i'm on duty which means i go around and open ketchup packets and stop arguments about pudding vs. cookies and generally hate my life. the last five minutes of lunch time is quiet lunch, and the lights are turned down so that the children remember to eat and that lunch is not merely social hour. it works surprisingly well. except, there are always the chatterboxes. i overhear this from one of my girls during quiet lunch --
"...and jacob sitting in a tree, k-i-"
"girls! you need to be quiet, and finish your lunch. you shouldn't be talking at all, let alone about that, it's not very nice." then of course, the denial (plus a little extra)...
"I wasn't!!!!! ..... but they are."
Monday, August 30, 2010
i'm exhausted but here are my (completely unedited an probably schitzophrenic) notes from the Emmy red carpet ...
6:01 -- jane lynch looks gorgeous in that plum color! but i cant tell if its LONG or SHORT andddd i need it to be long. pan down, camera!!! also awkward how she has to hunch over a bit because ryan seacrest is a teensy sprite -- AH ITS LONG! she looks great. hahaha funeral jokes, god she's hilarious.
6:03 -- guiliana, shut the FUCK up. you're not a real celeb and no one cares what you are wearing. but i like your damn shoes.
6:05 -- jimmy fallon. asshole better do a good job because i honestly think he is, in fact, not funny. ALSO sarah hyland from modern family looks good, and she's like younger than me, but she looks all glam and shit and that's how i'd hope to look if i ever got an emmy four years ago. also when did jimmy fallon get married? and she is ORANGE, yo. that's some fake tanner gone way bad.
6:13 -- carrie ann inaba is not a celebrity. get her the fuck out of the glam-cam. AND STOP referencing jersey shore. this is about TELEVISION not SHIT
6:17 -- my fellow Oregonian and blazers fanatic TY BURRELL! ahhh he looks so cute and i like his gray suit a lot. SPOTTED: eva longoria. i kind of forgot she existed...
6:18 kelly osbourne - meh. like, what are you doing here? but, she looks reeeeally good for kelly osbourne.
6:19 is that carrie preston? does anyone know who that is other than me? IS THAT HER? ryan seacrest stop talking about kathy griffin and LET ME KNOW who that redhead is! if she is carrie preston, she's ben linus' wife and arlene from true blood, in case you were wondering.
6:25 -- the mayor of LA and joel mchale. The THING IS, i hate community. AND joel mchale. WHEN ARE WE GOING TO SEE REAL CELEBRITIES? I'm really so disappointed in this red carpet coverage, E!
6:26 -- kevin mchale! okay excited about this. always weirds me out that he's not in a wheelchair in real life. ah what a cutie with his glasses! spotted: angela from the office! does she have weird extensions? i like her dress though, it is black. i kneeeew there was gonna be hella black, speaking of it kathy griffin is also wearing it! that dumb E! guy predicted a lot of nudes/beiges but i knew he was wrong. hella black.
6:28 -- emma from glee! CUTE dress, navy blue? dont love the necklace though its very spice girls music video.
6:33 -- mark salling. BOMB but i miss the mohawk! except i think his tie is crooked and someone needs to help him. he's kind of awkward. OH meeting kim kardashian. hahahahaha. kim!! i reeeally dislike that dress, kim. it's not bad, but it's really not great and it gives her a boob shelf and the dress is too flowy and she looks like she could be pregnant, although god help the world if that's true.
6:36 kim and lea meet! cute! lea michele is a kim fan. AND is wearing a lot of bling. and now kim is interviewing her. she looks bomb in her oscar de la renta, but i wish she'd lose the necklace. but i KNEW she was going to go dark. and she still has the bangs. she's just so gleeful in real life so its hard for me to get too down on her.
6:39 -- claire danes. what the fuck was she in? oh right, that made for movie temple grandin about that autistic woman. remember when she was beth in little women? her best role, probably. OH WAIT my so called life obviously was but she wanted to make movies so there is only one season. fucking claire danes.
641 -- sofia vergara wearing gold and looking fantastic. tracy jordan wearing...pale pink? or maybe white but its hard to tell with the red carpet glow going on
642 -- TELL ME THAT IS NOT LAUREN GRAHAM. i literally just slapped my hand to my forehead because that white/black/cruela de ville MESS makes me want to weep. i love lauren graham and i am going to cry now
646 -- sofia vergara is so cute and i love her rolling her rrrrs but i also dont love the weird line thing going down her otherwise flawless dress....someone help her and omg ryan seacrest stop asking every.modern.family actor about ed o'neill
647 -- jon hamm and jenifer whatserface from that lesbian movie -- JON hamm is soo sexy i cant even deal also i hear he may be dancing in the opening number...also is it sacrilege to say i dont love mad men? i like looking at it, but its just kind of....dull.
649 -- ricky and jane gervais damn he has a bomb wife! and he's loosing weight and looks goooood. i wish ricky gervais was hosting. guaranteed this show would be a billion times funnier than whatever jimmy fallon has up his sleeve.
652 -- bryan cranston. three peat? also i really do want to watch his show breaking bad because its about meth and that really intrigues me. oh january jones preview N OKATE GOSSELIN IS AT THE EMMYS OH MY GOD I JUST KEEP SCREAMING NO AT THE TELEVISION!!! what i really wanted to say jan jones looks bad per usual and christina hendricks stick to black that lavender hue isnt great but your boobs are contained i guess....
657 -- ryan murphy, blue sunglasses. false.
659 -- january jones, are you ever NOT a hot mess? is that tina fey i see on deck?!!?! say its so....
700 -- tina fey! LOVE YOU. she looks good even if i think there are hyroglyphics on her dress, whatever i still really like it. and her hair is looking tresemme commercial worthy
702 -- christina hendricks meh i dont hate the color as much as i did at the first glance but its not really as flattering but it must be kind of difficult to dress dem curves. if i were here id go naked
705 -- betty white, though i love her, kind of always dresses like shes sti7ll on golden girls.
708 -- anna paquin and stephen moyer. newlyweds and anna's dress is really fucking awesome and its so weird to see stephen moyer not the color of death. life really becomes him! also is he short? i mean he is taller than ryan seacrest but thats not saying much...but everytime i look at the screen i fall more in more in love with how awesome and avant garde her dress is!
711 -- heidi and seal. power couple. bomb. nothing else to say. heidis dress is insanely short! AH didnt even realize that.
713 -- mindy kaling. prom hair, hey-o! but she's funny and i like her dress. the cut out front is obviously a trend this year.
714 -- MANNY FROM MODERN FAMILY! ahhhh ahahahahahaaaaaaaaaa le mom le sister i am in love avec him. look at his tiny pimp hat! ugh ryan seacrest with matthew morrison. hate him. he looks typically tool-ish. AH NPH!!! LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU. i want to carry your babies in my womb. look at his suit he is so adorable and i want to be best friends with him foreverrrr.
718 -- kyra sedgwick is absolutely stunning. perfect dress. her hair is very jennifer aniston the year she won for friends. also i just rewatched footloose and realized how lucky she is for marrying kevin bacon -- where is he?! is it weird that i was totally attracted to him while watching?
725 -- amy poehler looks bomb for just having had a baby, dayum guuurl. god i love this couple! such cutieheads! ah, their seventh wedding anniversary so cute i might cry hahahahaaaaaa THEY ARE FUNNY.
727 -- julia louis dreyfus i cannot believe that she is still nominated! i forgot that her show still exiseted. well, i guess not anymore. i like her earrings and i can't see that much about her dressss but i like the copper sash now that i know its a copper sash and not a mesh situation which i though it was at first, but now i am backtracking -- is it mesh?! ugh i hope not
729 -- hugh laurie. he is SO DAPPER. is it weird that he is older than my dad and yet i would do him in a hot second?
731 -- steve carell and his wife nancy. i cant even believe that they are continuing the office after he leaves. that's a downward train headed to nowheresville if i've ever seen one. glenn close on the long shot -- would we call that dress olive? i dont know, but we would call it not great.
734 -- juliana margulies...what the f is up with her hair? why does it look all...nesty and frazzled mom?
741 -- ed o'neill. he's such a bean. his wife is pretty and kind of looks like an older sofia vergara so that makes some weird sort of sense, right? also! spotted, elisabeth moss! no wedding band. nude dress with a lot of train business she has to continually deal with. AH! Julie Bowen! such a cutie i actually really love her dress, i love the ruffle but the problem with all of these dress is ARE THEY BLACK OR NAVY BLUE?
743 -- jane krakowski!!!! navy blue again. also she is so adorable and she looks really elegant and i like the shoulder rouching and her shoes HOT DAMN are high!
745 john krasinski!! where is emily blunt?!!?! where is she/! i want them to be a couple and be so cute and i want to squeeze them and i want them to make babies ASAP. why is she down there on the carpet and not up here talking to ryan?! THEY ARE AN UP-AND-COMING POWER COUPLE, TREAT THEM AS SUCH.
746 -- dianna agron, i really am liking her carolina hererra!! oh, michael c. hall! i kind of wish he was still bald (although by choice and not chemo).
748 -- matthew fox, my fellow oregon lover. his wife/mother (which one?! hopefully mom) looks like elvira. i'm so baffled. please be his mom. AH! jenna fischer looks like a cutie, her orange-red dress is nice and its nice to see her not excessively tanned like SO MANY OTHERS on the red carpet.
okay break to get fully prepared for the start of the show
6:01 -- jane lynch looks gorgeous in that plum color! but i cant tell if its LONG or SHORT andddd i need it to be long. pan down, camera!!! also awkward how she has to hunch over a bit because ryan seacrest is a teensy sprite -- AH ITS LONG! she looks great. hahaha funeral jokes, god she's hilarious.
6:03 -- guiliana, shut the FUCK up. you're not a real celeb and no one cares what you are wearing. but i like your damn shoes.
6:05 -- jimmy fallon. asshole better do a good job because i honestly think he is, in fact, not funny. ALSO sarah hyland from modern family looks good, and she's like younger than me, but she looks all glam and shit and that's how i'd hope to look if i ever got an emmy four years ago. also when did jimmy fallon get married? and she is ORANGE, yo. that's some fake tanner gone way bad.
6:13 -- carrie ann inaba is not a celebrity. get her the fuck out of the glam-cam. AND STOP referencing jersey shore. this is about TELEVISION not SHIT
6:17 -- my fellow Oregonian and blazers fanatic TY BURRELL! ahhh he looks so cute and i like his gray suit a lot. SPOTTED: eva longoria. i kind of forgot she existed...
6:18 kelly osbourne - meh. like, what are you doing here? but, she looks reeeeally good for kelly osbourne.
6:19 is that carrie preston? does anyone know who that is other than me? IS THAT HER? ryan seacrest stop talking about kathy griffin and LET ME KNOW who that redhead is! if she is carrie preston, she's ben linus' wife and arlene from true blood, in case you were wondering.
6:25 -- the mayor of LA and joel mchale. The THING IS, i hate community. AND joel mchale. WHEN ARE WE GOING TO SEE REAL CELEBRITIES? I'm really so disappointed in this red carpet coverage, E!
6:26 -- kevin mchale! okay excited about this. always weirds me out that he's not in a wheelchair in real life. ah what a cutie with his glasses! spotted: angela from the office! does she have weird extensions? i like her dress though, it is black. i kneeeew there was gonna be hella black, speaking of it kathy griffin is also wearing it! that dumb E! guy predicted a lot of nudes/beiges but i knew he was wrong. hella black.
6:28 -- emma from glee! CUTE dress, navy blue? dont love the necklace though its very spice girls music video.
6:33 -- mark salling. BOMB but i miss the mohawk! except i think his tie is crooked and someone needs to help him. he's kind of awkward. OH meeting kim kardashian. hahahahaha. kim!! i reeeally dislike that dress, kim. it's not bad, but it's really not great and it gives her a boob shelf and the dress is too flowy and she looks like she could be pregnant, although god help the world if that's true.
6:36 kim and lea meet! cute! lea michele is a kim fan. AND is wearing a lot of bling. and now kim is interviewing her. she looks bomb in her oscar de la renta, but i wish she'd lose the necklace. but i KNEW she was going to go dark. and she still has the bangs. she's just so gleeful in real life so its hard for me to get too down on her.
6:39 -- claire danes. what the fuck was she in? oh right, that made for movie temple grandin about that autistic woman. remember when she was beth in little women? her best role, probably. OH WAIT my so called life obviously was but she wanted to make movies so there is only one season. fucking claire danes.
641 -- sofia vergara wearing gold and looking fantastic. tracy jordan wearing...pale pink? or maybe white but its hard to tell with the red carpet glow going on
642 -- TELL ME THAT IS NOT LAUREN GRAHAM. i literally just slapped my hand to my forehead because that white/black/cruela de ville MESS makes me want to weep. i love lauren graham and i am going to cry now
646 -- sofia vergara is so cute and i love her rolling her rrrrs but i also dont love the weird line thing going down her otherwise flawless dress....someone help her and omg ryan seacrest stop asking every.modern.family actor about ed o'neill
647 -- jon hamm and jenifer whatserface from that lesbian movie -- JON hamm is soo sexy i cant even deal also i hear he may be dancing in the opening number...also is it sacrilege to say i dont love mad men? i like looking at it, but its just kind of....dull.
649 -- ricky and jane gervais damn he has a bomb wife! and he's loosing weight and looks goooood. i wish ricky gervais was hosting. guaranteed this show would be a billion times funnier than whatever jimmy fallon has up his sleeve.
652 -- bryan cranston. three peat? also i really do want to watch his show breaking bad because its about meth and that really intrigues me. oh january jones preview N OKATE GOSSELIN IS AT THE EMMYS OH MY GOD I JUST KEEP SCREAMING NO AT THE TELEVISION!!! what i really wanted to say jan jones looks bad per usual and christina hendricks stick to black that lavender hue isnt great but your boobs are contained i guess....
657 -- ryan murphy, blue sunglasses. false.
659 -- january jones, are you ever NOT a hot mess? is that tina fey i see on deck?!!?! say its so....
700 -- tina fey! LOVE YOU. she looks good even if i think there are hyroglyphics on her dress, whatever i still really like it. and her hair is looking tresemme commercial worthy
702 -- christina hendricks meh i dont hate the color as much as i did at the first glance but its not really as flattering but it must be kind of difficult to dress dem curves. if i were here id go naked
705 -- betty white, though i love her, kind of always dresses like shes sti7ll on golden girls.
708 -- anna paquin and stephen moyer. newlyweds and anna's dress is really fucking awesome and its so weird to see stephen moyer not the color of death. life really becomes him! also is he short? i mean he is taller than ryan seacrest but thats not saying much...but everytime i look at the screen i fall more in more in love with how awesome and avant garde her dress is!
711 -- heidi and seal. power couple. bomb. nothing else to say. heidis dress is insanely short! AH didnt even realize that.
713 -- mindy kaling. prom hair, hey-o! but she's funny and i like her dress. the cut out front is obviously a trend this year.
714 -- MANNY FROM MODERN FAMILY! ahhhh ahahahahahaaaaaaaaaa le mom le sister i am in love avec him. look at his tiny pimp hat! ugh ryan seacrest with matthew morrison. hate him. he looks typically tool-ish. AH NPH!!! LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU. i want to carry your babies in my womb. look at his suit he is so adorable and i want to be best friends with him foreverrrr.
718 -- kyra sedgwick is absolutely stunning. perfect dress. her hair is very jennifer aniston the year she won for friends. also i just rewatched footloose and realized how lucky she is for marrying kevin bacon -- where is he?! is it weird that i was totally attracted to him while watching?
725 -- amy poehler looks bomb for just having had a baby, dayum guuurl. god i love this couple! such cutieheads! ah, their seventh wedding anniversary so cute i might cry hahahahaaaaaa THEY ARE FUNNY.
727 -- julia louis dreyfus i cannot believe that she is still nominated! i forgot that her show still exiseted. well, i guess not anymore. i like her earrings and i can't see that much about her dressss but i like the copper sash now that i know its a copper sash and not a mesh situation which i though it was at first, but now i am backtracking -- is it mesh?! ugh i hope not
729 -- hugh laurie. he is SO DAPPER. is it weird that he is older than my dad and yet i would do him in a hot second?
731 -- steve carell and his wife nancy. i cant even believe that they are continuing the office after he leaves. that's a downward train headed to nowheresville if i've ever seen one. glenn close on the long shot -- would we call that dress olive? i dont know, but we would call it not great.
734 -- juliana margulies...what the f is up with her hair? why does it look all...nesty and frazzled mom?
741 -- ed o'neill. he's such a bean. his wife is pretty and kind of looks like an older sofia vergara so that makes some weird sort of sense, right? also! spotted, elisabeth moss! no wedding band. nude dress with a lot of train business she has to continually deal with. AH! Julie Bowen! such a cutie i actually really love her dress, i love the ruffle but the problem with all of these dress is ARE THEY BLACK OR NAVY BLUE?
743 -- jane krakowski!!!! navy blue again. also she is so adorable and she looks really elegant and i like the shoulder rouching and her shoes HOT DAMN are high!
745 john krasinski!! where is emily blunt?!!?! where is she/! i want them to be a couple and be so cute and i want to squeeze them and i want them to make babies ASAP. why is she down there on the carpet and not up here talking to ryan?! THEY ARE AN UP-AND-COMING POWER COUPLE, TREAT THEM AS SUCH.
746 -- dianna agron, i really am liking her carolina hererra!! oh, michael c. hall! i kind of wish he was still bald (although by choice and not chemo).
748 -- matthew fox, my fellow oregon lover. his wife/mother (which one?! hopefully mom) looks like elvira. i'm so baffled. please be his mom. AH! jenna fischer looks like a cutie, her orange-red dress is nice and its nice to see her not excessively tanned like SO MANY OTHERS on the red carpet.
okay break to get fully prepared for the start of the show
Thursday, August 26, 2010
last night, i spent an hour de-corking a bottle of wine. because i wanted to drink it, and i wanted to drink it NOW. and i wasn't trying to share a bottle with my roommate (though she did generously offer) who had a twist-off cap, oh no. i needed the full bottle to myself, because last night was the only night off i'll have for the rest of eternity, and without another chance for debauchery and foolishness on the horizon, i needed to go out with a bang. so i was planning on making the most of it (judging by the fact that i woke up this morning with my sandals still on and my phone in my hand, mid-text (to a bff thank the LORD i wasn't doing any drunk sexting. nothing more embarrassing than waking up to that discovery), i'd say i succeeded). but, our cork screwer happened to be mysteriously missing. i shelby woo'd (anyone? anyone?) around the kitchen for a while, checking all the nooks and crannies, and growing exponentially more frustrated and more in need of the golden liquid that was so close and so far from my reach. so zANYWAYS, i finally give up in utter despair and am seriously contemplating slamming the neck of the bottle against the counter with a bucket underneath to catch that juicy nectar (um...unintentionally sounding like an erotic story and not hating it...uncomfortable). but then, i spotted this long, two-pronged gadget that i think may or may not be used for checking meat tenderness (erotic story alert, hi-yo!), and i had an idea. my resolve was set right then and there -- i was going to macguyver that bottle open if it killed me (which it almost did).
so i grab the two-pronger and i start chipping away at that shit like perez hilton on lindsay lohan. tiny bits of cork are flying this way and that. it's hard to really get more than slivers out at a time, but i'm not deterred. if anything, i'm insanely proud of my ingenuity. i finally get a few big (relative term) chunks out, and i'm digging around in there like one of my second graders in their nose. my roommate is watching with a unique combination of awe and disgust. i'm so dedicated to my craft (my craft obviously being alcoholism) that i don't even notice that i'm bleeding a little from an overeager prong-incident. (once i notice, of course, i spend five minutes thinking i'm going to develop rabies and die a very Dr. Quinn-esque death, have vivid images of foaming mouths flash through my mind, then get over it and band-aid my pinky. crisis averted).
so i'm working it for a good while when i start to think that i may have underestimated just how much cork is in there. because i've got a good little pile of woodchips beside me, and no wine to show for my efforts yet. i place my instruments down and regard my sly opponent for a red hot moment. and then, lightening strikes in the same place twice and my brain explodes with a Great Idea. the prongs are having difficulty reaching the remaining mangled cork, so i race my way into my room, pick up my scissors, and walk slowly back into the kitchen because one time i was seven and running with scissors despite my dad's frequent warnings otherwise, and i murdered the stuffed animal that was in my other hands. bloodbath. soooo, yeah.
i'm stabbing the scissors into the cork and am trying to keep my distance because i don't want the wine to explode into my face, but the teensy bit of cork that's a stubborn little bitch isn't moving, so i lean closer to get a better grip and inspect the situation. obviously, i wasn't thinking of the golden rule that every sitcom in existence has taught me -- as soon as you lean forward to get a closer look at something, it blows up in your face. LITERALLY. a straight shot of white wine to my eye. i was blinded both with pride and pain. SHIT that hurt! and, i had to re-do my eye make up. total lose/lose except it was an INSANE WIN because i could start drinking to medicate the pain immediately and also get adequately sloppy for the night. and, sir, i did. success was mine, and success was wine (pun alert), and it tasted sweet (and a little corky).
so i grab the two-pronger and i start chipping away at that shit like perez hilton on lindsay lohan. tiny bits of cork are flying this way and that. it's hard to really get more than slivers out at a time, but i'm not deterred. if anything, i'm insanely proud of my ingenuity. i finally get a few big (relative term) chunks out, and i'm digging around in there like one of my second graders in their nose. my roommate is watching with a unique combination of awe and disgust. i'm so dedicated to my craft (my craft obviously being alcoholism) that i don't even notice that i'm bleeding a little from an overeager prong-incident. (once i notice, of course, i spend five minutes thinking i'm going to develop rabies and die a very Dr. Quinn-esque death, have vivid images of foaming mouths flash through my mind, then get over it and band-aid my pinky. crisis averted).
so i'm working it for a good while when i start to think that i may have underestimated just how much cork is in there. because i've got a good little pile of woodchips beside me, and no wine to show for my efforts yet. i place my instruments down and regard my sly opponent for a red hot moment. and then, lightening strikes in the same place twice and my brain explodes with a Great Idea. the prongs are having difficulty reaching the remaining mangled cork, so i race my way into my room, pick up my scissors, and walk slowly back into the kitchen because one time i was seven and running with scissors despite my dad's frequent warnings otherwise, and i murdered the stuffed animal that was in my other hands. bloodbath. soooo, yeah.
i'm stabbing the scissors into the cork and am trying to keep my distance because i don't want the wine to explode into my face, but the teensy bit of cork that's a stubborn little bitch isn't moving, so i lean closer to get a better grip and inspect the situation. obviously, i wasn't thinking of the golden rule that every sitcom in existence has taught me -- as soon as you lean forward to get a closer look at something, it blows up in your face. LITERALLY. a straight shot of white wine to my eye. i was blinded both with pride and pain. SHIT that hurt! and, i had to re-do my eye make up. total lose/lose except it was an INSANE WIN because i could start drinking to medicate the pain immediately and also get adequately sloppy for the night. and, sir, i did. success was mine, and success was wine (pun alert), and it tasted sweet (and a little corky).
Saturday, August 21, 2010
alright, listen. i have an unhealthy dedication to maintaining this blog because i've already failed like, thrice before. and even though i'm lazy, i generally dislike failing. but, shit's getting rough. i have class every day, and by the time i get home my brain only functions at a level that allows me to watch Lifetime movies and shove string cheese into my mouth with something a little less than precision. So, sorry 'bout it all (one) of you, but prepare for a wholly uninspired post. if i had more time, it still probably wouldn't even be better. as it is, i'm technically supposed to be creating lesson plans that will shock and awe my second-graders into understanding the concept of borrowing. and i am. i am also, however, technically drinking wine by myself and watching pride and prejudice on E! details, schmetails.
henceforth; Why Three of Matthew Gray Gubler's Recent "Tweets"* Show Our Pre-Destined Destiny
*sidenote: I hate the word "tweets". It makes me feel annoyingly social-network-y, and it sounds too close to twat. which is my least favorite word for girl parts, ever. so i'm just going to go with, "twitter-post", which, though longer, makes me hate myself less.
TWITTER-POST ONE: "Who was your favorite Cosby kid? I can't decide. I think maybe Denise...or Olivia...or Theo...dang"
okay, so pretty regular, right? I mean, who doesn't love the Cosby Show? Even if to this day I still don't understand WHY it was called the Cosby Show when it was about the Huxtables -- right? Like what kind of mind-fuckery is that? Just so we'd remember you were the star, Bill? Whatever. The POINT is, The Cosby Show was my go-to daytime television entertainment whenever I was sick at home (which happened rarely, as my mom believed that it didn't matter how shitty you may have felt, if you weren't vomiting continuously you were a-ok to go). And, during these long, delirium-filled days, I would endlessly debate who I liked best. Obviously I always thought of Denise first (AS DID MGG!) because she was Lisa Bonet and she was pretty and trendy and did what she wanted. But then I'd be like, oooh Olivia! Because I'd have weird fantasies that I was Raven and could play Olivia and be super cute all the time and make everyone laugh just by flashing my (invisible) dimples. Obviously, my fantasy world was one in which skin color set no boundaries (rightly so!). But yeah, so I loved Olivia, and wanted to be her. But then there's Theo, who I had such a soft spot for when a particularly bad flu had mr crying as he dealt with his dyslexia. SO, proof #1 -- MGG and I both like the Cosby Show, andddd we both play fair and can't pick favorites.
(I'm fully aware that this is a stretch at best, but three reasons why we're soulmates sounded better as two and I really wanted to express outrage over the title vs. the actual family name)
TWITTER-POST TWO: "I never met a tree I didn't like"
Um, HELLO! Where did I spent my most formative years, ages 12- 14? Oh thats right, a little school that happened to be called the ENVIRONMENTAL middle school. Trees were our GODS. I'm actually not lying when I say that I have chained myself to a tree before in protest of logging. Nor am I fibbing when I say that I can in fact identify every single tree that is native to the Pacific Northwest -- it was actually a required test to graduate 8th grade (seriously). I am a tree-hugger through and through. I am continually on the search for a man who will not think it weird when I recount stories of middle schoolers standing hand-in-hand in the woods singing Cat Stevens and crying because we had to leave this wonderful school that required us to dress up as trees (made out of recycled material, obvi) for the Earth Day parade and march throughout the streets of Portland in 32 degree weather and pouring rain. Have I finally found such a man?! If so, I'm obviously never letting him leave. Although, he might have to up his game to "I never met a tree I didn't love", because my fervor has certainly passed "like" on the adoration spectrum. Trees and I, we're for life. I can't even read The Giving Tree without breaking down into sobs because trees are my people, man!
TWITTER-POST THREE: "Looking at the worlds largest assemblage of mummies. Best day ever"
it is no secret that i LOVE bones and mummies and weird things like that. when I interned at the British Museum, I got to go on a behind-the-scenes tour of the mummies in storage and see all the face masks and wrappings and pickled cats and the girl I was on the tour with was a stupid bz and kept complaining about the "gross-ness" and i almost shook her by her dumb shoulders, because WHAT could be cooler than something that is a REAL LIVE PERSON who was REALLY ALIVE but now could crack into dust if you aren't careful?! And the Egyptians were so genius and their sarcophagi (right? what the f is the plural of sarcophaguses?) are totally amazeballs and so detailed and mainly I'm just enthralled by how crazy old these fuckers are. I passed this love along to my Museum boss' four year old daughter, Ruby, who I watched many a time. We'd trek up to the mummies and she'd exclaim in her adorable British accent that made me want to steal her, "aren't they scary and amazing?" and she'd giggle and we'd talk about which mummy was the prettiest when they were alive.
So, there you have it. Three semi-ridiculous but vehemently argued reasons why matthew gray gubler and i are perfect for each other. also, three prime examples of why, if I were matthew gray gubler, i'd be terrified of me.
henceforth; Why Three of Matthew Gray Gubler's Recent "Tweets"* Show Our Pre-Destined Destiny
*sidenote: I hate the word "tweets". It makes me feel annoyingly social-network-y, and it sounds too close to twat. which is my least favorite word for girl parts, ever. so i'm just going to go with, "twitter-post", which, though longer, makes me hate myself less.
TWITTER-POST ONE: "Who was your favorite Cosby kid? I can't decide. I think maybe Denise...or Olivia...or Theo...dang"
okay, so pretty regular, right? I mean, who doesn't love the Cosby Show? Even if to this day I still don't understand WHY it was called the Cosby Show when it was about the Huxtables -- right? Like what kind of mind-fuckery is that? Just so we'd remember you were the star, Bill? Whatever. The POINT is, The Cosby Show was my go-to daytime television entertainment whenever I was sick at home (which happened rarely, as my mom believed that it didn't matter how shitty you may have felt, if you weren't vomiting continuously you were a-ok to go). And, during these long, delirium-filled days, I would endlessly debate who I liked best. Obviously I always thought of Denise first (AS DID MGG!) because she was Lisa Bonet and she was pretty and trendy and did what she wanted. But then I'd be like, oooh Olivia! Because I'd have weird fantasies that I was Raven and could play Olivia and be super cute all the time and make everyone laugh just by flashing my (invisible) dimples. Obviously, my fantasy world was one in which skin color set no boundaries (rightly so!). But yeah, so I loved Olivia, and wanted to be her. But then there's Theo, who I had such a soft spot for when a particularly bad flu had mr crying as he dealt with his dyslexia. SO, proof #1 -- MGG and I both like the Cosby Show, andddd we both play fair and can't pick favorites.
(I'm fully aware that this is a stretch at best, but three reasons why we're soulmates sounded better as two and I really wanted to express outrage over the title vs. the actual family name)
TWITTER-POST TWO: "I never met a tree I didn't like"
Um, HELLO! Where did I spent my most formative years, ages 12- 14? Oh thats right, a little school that happened to be called the ENVIRONMENTAL middle school. Trees were our GODS. I'm actually not lying when I say that I have chained myself to a tree before in protest of logging. Nor am I fibbing when I say that I can in fact identify every single tree that is native to the Pacific Northwest -- it was actually a required test to graduate 8th grade (seriously). I am a tree-hugger through and through. I am continually on the search for a man who will not think it weird when I recount stories of middle schoolers standing hand-in-hand in the woods singing Cat Stevens and crying because we had to leave this wonderful school that required us to dress up as trees (made out of recycled material, obvi) for the Earth Day parade and march throughout the streets of Portland in 32 degree weather and pouring rain. Have I finally found such a man?! If so, I'm obviously never letting him leave. Although, he might have to up his game to "I never met a tree I didn't love", because my fervor has certainly passed "like" on the adoration spectrum. Trees and I, we're for life. I can't even read The Giving Tree without breaking down into sobs because trees are my people, man!
TWITTER-POST THREE: "Looking at the worlds largest assemblage of mummies. Best day ever"
it is no secret that i LOVE bones and mummies and weird things like that. when I interned at the British Museum, I got to go on a behind-the-scenes tour of the mummies in storage and see all the face masks and wrappings and pickled cats and the girl I was on the tour with was a stupid bz and kept complaining about the "gross-ness" and i almost shook her by her dumb shoulders, because WHAT could be cooler than something that is a REAL LIVE PERSON who was REALLY ALIVE but now could crack into dust if you aren't careful?! And the Egyptians were so genius and their sarcophagi (right? what the f is the plural of sarcophaguses?) are totally amazeballs and so detailed and mainly I'm just enthralled by how crazy old these fuckers are. I passed this love along to my Museum boss' four year old daughter, Ruby, who I watched many a time. We'd trek up to the mummies and she'd exclaim in her adorable British accent that made me want to steal her, "aren't they scary and amazing?" and she'd giggle and we'd talk about which mummy was the prettiest when they were alive.
So, there you have it. Three semi-ridiculous but vehemently argued reasons why matthew gray gubler and i are perfect for each other. also, three prime examples of why, if I were matthew gray gubler, i'd be terrified of me.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
so yesterday marked a momentous occasion in my life -- my first peer wedding. i may or may not have mentioned before that in fact some of my fellow 22 year olds had decided they'd had enough of youth and frivolity and decided to tie the knot and commit to monotony (a decision i obviously can't get on board with). zANYWAYS, after a hasty trip to bed bath and beyond to pick up a saucepan, wedding time had arrived. luckily, a few close friends had also been invited so we could deal with (and judge) the whole situation together, which worked out quite well.
let me just say this -- the bride and the groom are nice people. they're really in love. they've been together since our freshman year of high school, which was in fact like 8 years ago, and just writing that made me excessively depressed because WHERE HAS MY YOUTH GONE? it's all downhill from here. so anyway, i guess i can't shit on them toooo much for this whole marriage debacle. though i still do find it both ridiculous and terrifying. probably why they got married and i am insanely single (just waiting for you, MGG). the ceremony itself was short and sweet, and for a minute there i even forgot about how much i hated the precedent that this wedding was setting, and just basked in the feelings of love and happiness that were floating around.
there were, however, a few things working against me.
number one -- my dear friend karly. i adore karly more than most things, but subtlety and discretion are hardly her strong points. because of these personality deficiencies, karly caused me to choke on my water and have it pour out my nostrils. i've never actually experienced said feeling before; it was not pleasant. it was also uncomfortable because it's was right after the processional music started and the bride's decrepit grandmother was walking down the aisle. hopefully that poor hunchbacked woman didn't think i was laughing at her -- i most assuredly was not. rather, i was laughing at karly's observation that only at a 22 year old's wedding in northeast portland would a tie-dye muumuu with a matching scrunchie and bare feet on a heavily tattoo'd Olsen twin lookalike be not only acceptable, but cause no one to bat an eyelash. the accuracy of the observation combined with the inspiring visual was not a recipe for swallowing success.
number two -- it was the hottest day of the summer so far yesterday. the hottest part of the day in portland is usually around five o'clock; coincidentally the starting time of this particular wedding. by the time we arrived, it was 98 degrees and not a breeze in sight. this spurned quite a few dilemmas (by the way, i ALways assumed that that dilemma was spelled dilemna, because i think it looks more right. i just learned that this was not true, like, last week). the first dilemma was how to actively not sweat through one's dress while simultaneously avoiding scalding one's bare legs on the hot metal chair/making direct girl-parts to chair contact (i mean, through underwear...i think it's an unwritten rule that you have to wear underwear at a wedding, and, to clarify, i did). eventually, burning the flesh off my legs won out as i realized at least no one would be able to see a huge wet spot on the back of my dress where my ass sweat had pooled. a similar dilemma reared it's ugly head when, during the reception, it became necessary to leave the table at times to congratulate the bride/groom, get food, get more food, get booze, etc. however, my chair was completely saturated with sweat, so every time i got up a nice film of moisture was visible for all to see. now i realize every other person was having a similar problem, but sometimes i surprise myself and decide to strive for ladylike-ness, so it was all very difficult and annoying.
number three -- the best man happened to be my prom date. i haven't really spoken to my prom date since, well, prom. mainly because the night ended for us when ONE of us (i won't name names, but please i am classier than this shit) started to vomit. which would be understandable, since we got totally shitfaced post-prom, except we were both in various states of undress and i was looking to get some. LUCKILY our mouths had detached prior to the spectacular flood of puke that was unleashed. UNLUCKILY it still happened and i still saw it. and all that would have been good and fine and a hilarious high school story, except we had to confront each other as normal human beings yesterday and it was not easy for me. i was torn between a desire to laugh in his face and vomit in it for retribution. sadly, but probably for the best, i did neither.
number four -- i was just minding my business, sitting quietly post nasal slip-n-slide when the girl behind me tapped me on the shoulder and asked, "remember me? i think we had spanish together in high school!" by the sheer grace of the all-knowing universe, i was somehow able to pull her name out of my ass and say it like i had known it all along. the rest of the conversation followed, literally, exactly as detailed below:
ME: OMG, A! How are you?! [fake excitement out the wazoo]
A: I'm good. I got married right after I graduated. This is my daughter. She's three.
ME: [kind of bewildered and feeling mayhaps like this is gonna get awk] Oh! She's cute! What's her name?
A: Rayden. It was the only name me and her dad both liked. We're separated now, though.
ME: [thinking to myself, OH fucking lord really?!] Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I like your dress, Rayden!
A: We lived in Japan for two years. Her dad is in the military. I hated it there. I'm glad to be back. My mom's glad, too [points to woman next to Rayden]
ME: Oh, hklsdjdsokfdlsjks. WELP! It's 100 degrees so I'm gonna go get some water, but great seeing you! [mad dash out before i die of laughter/disbelief].
OKAY, first of all -- i don't really actually know this girl. the fact that i remembered her name is both shocking and kind of weird. i'm kind of weirded out at myself. ALSO stop spewing uncomfortable life facts at me, bitch! It was also really just kind of sketch because her voice was super monotone the entire time and she was either super hopped up on anti-depressants (not that I'd blame her, apparently shit's rough), or she's a robot. The latter makes me feel like less of a jackass for judging her, so I hope that's the case.
Verdict: Still think it's ridiculous for 22 year olds to get married, though I can grudgingly admit that it was a very touching event to witness. But I still can't really take them seriously as human beings. Eh, can't win them all.
let me just say this -- the bride and the groom are nice people. they're really in love. they've been together since our freshman year of high school, which was in fact like 8 years ago, and just writing that made me excessively depressed because WHERE HAS MY YOUTH GONE? it's all downhill from here. so anyway, i guess i can't shit on them toooo much for this whole marriage debacle. though i still do find it both ridiculous and terrifying. probably why they got married and i am insanely single (just waiting for you, MGG). the ceremony itself was short and sweet, and for a minute there i even forgot about how much i hated the precedent that this wedding was setting, and just basked in the feelings of love and happiness that were floating around.
there were, however, a few things working against me.
number one -- my dear friend karly. i adore karly more than most things, but subtlety and discretion are hardly her strong points. because of these personality deficiencies, karly caused me to choke on my water and have it pour out my nostrils. i've never actually experienced said feeling before; it was not pleasant. it was also uncomfortable because it's was right after the processional music started and the bride's decrepit grandmother was walking down the aisle. hopefully that poor hunchbacked woman didn't think i was laughing at her -- i most assuredly was not. rather, i was laughing at karly's observation that only at a 22 year old's wedding in northeast portland would a tie-dye muumuu with a matching scrunchie and bare feet on a heavily tattoo'd Olsen twin lookalike be not only acceptable, but cause no one to bat an eyelash. the accuracy of the observation combined with the inspiring visual was not a recipe for swallowing success.
number two -- it was the hottest day of the summer so far yesterday. the hottest part of the day in portland is usually around five o'clock; coincidentally the starting time of this particular wedding. by the time we arrived, it was 98 degrees and not a breeze in sight. this spurned quite a few dilemmas (by the way, i ALways assumed that that dilemma was spelled dilemna, because i think it looks more right. i just learned that this was not true, like, last week). the first dilemma was how to actively not sweat through one's dress while simultaneously avoiding scalding one's bare legs on the hot metal chair/making direct girl-parts to chair contact (i mean, through underwear...i think it's an unwritten rule that you have to wear underwear at a wedding, and, to clarify, i did). eventually, burning the flesh off my legs won out as i realized at least no one would be able to see a huge wet spot on the back of my dress where my ass sweat had pooled. a similar dilemma reared it's ugly head when, during the reception, it became necessary to leave the table at times to congratulate the bride/groom, get food, get more food, get booze, etc. however, my chair was completely saturated with sweat, so every time i got up a nice film of moisture was visible for all to see. now i realize every other person was having a similar problem, but sometimes i surprise myself and decide to strive for ladylike-ness, so it was all very difficult and annoying.
number three -- the best man happened to be my prom date. i haven't really spoken to my prom date since, well, prom. mainly because the night ended for us when ONE of us (i won't name names, but please i am classier than this shit) started to vomit. which would be understandable, since we got totally shitfaced post-prom, except we were both in various states of undress and i was looking to get some. LUCKILY our mouths had detached prior to the spectacular flood of puke that was unleashed. UNLUCKILY it still happened and i still saw it. and all that would have been good and fine and a hilarious high school story, except we had to confront each other as normal human beings yesterday and it was not easy for me. i was torn between a desire to laugh in his face and vomit in it for retribution. sadly, but probably for the best, i did neither.
number four -- i was just minding my business, sitting quietly post nasal slip-n-slide when the girl behind me tapped me on the shoulder and asked, "remember me? i think we had spanish together in high school!" by the sheer grace of the all-knowing universe, i was somehow able to pull her name out of my ass and say it like i had known it all along. the rest of the conversation followed, literally, exactly as detailed below:
ME: OMG, A! How are you?! [fake excitement out the wazoo]
A: I'm good. I got married right after I graduated. This is my daughter. She's three.
ME: [kind of bewildered and feeling mayhaps like this is gonna get awk] Oh! She's cute! What's her name?
A: Rayden. It was the only name me and her dad both liked. We're separated now, though.
ME: [thinking to myself, OH fucking lord really?!] Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I like your dress, Rayden!
A: We lived in Japan for two years. Her dad is in the military. I hated it there. I'm glad to be back. My mom's glad, too [points to woman next to Rayden]
ME: Oh, hklsdjdsokfdlsjks. WELP! It's 100 degrees so I'm gonna go get some water, but great seeing you! [mad dash out before i die of laughter/disbelief].
OKAY, first of all -- i don't really actually know this girl. the fact that i remembered her name is both shocking and kind of weird. i'm kind of weirded out at myself. ALSO stop spewing uncomfortable life facts at me, bitch! It was also really just kind of sketch because her voice was super monotone the entire time and she was either super hopped up on anti-depressants (not that I'd blame her, apparently shit's rough), or she's a robot. The latter makes me feel like less of a jackass for judging her, so I hope that's the case.
Verdict: Still think it's ridiculous for 22 year olds to get married, though I can grudgingly admit that it was a very touching event to witness. But I still can't really take them seriously as human beings. Eh, can't win them all.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
okay, i had a long post planned and half-way written out about the Teen Choice Awards, but I was so bitter and disappointed in the youth of america that i just couldn't do it. so, on a more lighthearted note -- the top five friend groups i'd like to infiltrate:
* sidenote: i think it goes without saying that the actual #1 group of friends i want to (and WILL) infiltrate is that of joseph gordon levitt and my future husband, the deliciously gawky matthew gray gubler. but i didn't want to include on them on there because my interest in them/him isn't strictly platonic. or platonic in the least, since i plan to sex up mgg at the first possible opportunity. welllll...maybe at the second possible opportunity, i don't want to be sluttay.
OKAY BUT REALLY:
5. Zooey & Emily Deschanel
+Days+of+Summer%2522+Los+Angeles+Premiere+-+Arrivals.jpeg)
Oh my GAWD yes. Because Zooey D. makes everything shine a little brighter, even the vomit-inducing monstrosity that was Yes Man. Remember her 4 episode arc on Weeds?? If that wasn't comedic genius, I'm not sure what is. Plus, have you seeeen her closet in that Cotton commercial? Tell me that's not one you'd like to raid. And then there's big sis, Tempy Bren. I mean, I know her character doesn't understand pop culture or basic human emotions, but she definitely does. And she's gotten to make out with David Boreanaz (WITH DB's wife's approval, a rarity in this world), and I wanna know what that's like, if at least second-hand. And we could talk about being cool and vegetarian. AND both sisters can sing, so I foresee a lot of fun karaoke nights where we dress up in cool indie Deschanel clothes. (Also -- Zooey D. was in 500 days of summer w/ matthew gray gubler soooo....HOOK IT UP, bz!)
4. The Cast of One Tree Hill (ugh, yeah -- judge away).
Because how fun do all their parties look? Such carefree delight! Well, except for that time the Brooke/Nathan sex tape emerged and everyone rioted and it was right before prom and Peyton's attack...okay, but seriously! That lack of parental supervision and surplus of hot, basketball playing men is really just a recipe for a kick ass youth (if not a pregnancy scare here and there). And, if I were friends with Haley & P. Sawyer, I would meet a lot of musicians (but hopefully cooler ones than lame-o Pete Wentz),if I were friends with Brooke I would get a lot of trendy free clothes, if I were friends with Nathan I'd meet a lot of pro ballers, and Lucas -- well, he always lends a shoulder to cry on and can find a literary quote for an occasion. Also, it appears as though a residence in Tree Hill means you have access to sex whenever you want it, which is always something I can get on top of (literally, zing!). Yeah, there's a lot of dramatic events like kidnapping and car accidents and shootings, but really what is drama other than the spice of life? Tree Hill here I come.
3. Barack Obama & Rahm Emanuel
Because they look like such fun loving guys, it's hard not to believe that what we don't see in the Oval Office plays out pretty much like any episode of West Wing - global issues being solved with sharp wit, inter-office romances, Kristin Chenowith, inspirational staffer speeches, and an odd appearance of the Jackal. I mean, what else could they be doing back there? But they are so cool because they like, literally LEAD the country! That's tough shit! They have to deal with the Middle East war, homeland security threats, and Evangelicals - a true trio of terror, and yet they never lose their cool. Also, they look so handsome, much cooler than Hil would have looked in her pastel pantsuits. And I just envision a lot of intellectual conversations interspersed with wit while we all stroll along the White House grounds, and they both look at me so admiringly when I offer practical solutions to real world problems.
2. Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Because Tina is always my number 1 celebrity girl crush (though I am really loving on Busy Philipps lately). Because she's the greatest, and her bff Amy therefore must also be great, based on the law of transference. The two of them have give us amazing comedy over the years - Mean Girls is practically the Citizen Kane of this century, and that SNL Election 2008 stuff? Turning something as terrifying as Sarah Palin into laughter takes some serious gumption. ALSO BABY MAMA. Shit's gooood.They're funny girls, yes, but they are also politically savvy, and have great writing skills. Funny with brains? Is there a rarer combination to find in this world (with the exception of an Asian Jew -- kidding, I can say that because I once loved an Asian Jew)?? Talk about having it all! Furthermore, being friends with Tina & Amy would give me access to adorable and well-named children, as they have three between them. What more could a girl ask for?
1. I mean, who else?
Because we're already old friends. Have been since 1994 when I was the ripe old age of 6. Truth be told, I infiltrated this group like a billion years ago, presumably wearing some floral patterned stirrup pants. Back when Courteney was Arquette-less, and Joey had VD. Because I already know everything about them. I know their memories and their stories and I know who has slept with whom (sometimes it's whom!). I was there when that pimp spit in Phoebe's mouth, when that girl stuffed her pants with a tootsie roll to look like the rumored hermaphrodite Rachel, when the pool boy/father fucker asked Chandler if he wanted more turkey. I've been to a lot of Ross' weddings, even more of his divorce parties. Because when you get these six together, it's the absolute best of times. It's better than being at Disneyland at Christmastime on Prozac (bonus points for the reference!). Because secrets come flying out, sarcastic comments are plentiful, and you're always laughing at someone's expense but knowing you all love each other. There is nothing funnier than learning your friend made out with a 51 year old librarian in high school. NOTHING funnier than learning about a nubbin. Nothing greater than getting married at the cafe where the six of you have been drinking out of jumbo cups for over a decade. Once, I wrote an embarrassing letter to Jennifer Aniston about how I wanted to job shadow her for a school assignment, and bitch never wrote me back but I still harbor the most intense love for this show, and frequently my day dreams take me to the corner of Bedford & Grove.
* sidenote: i think it goes without saying that the actual #1 group of friends i want to (and WILL) infiltrate is that of joseph gordon levitt and my future husband, the deliciously gawky matthew gray gubler. but i didn't want to include on them on there because my interest in them/him isn't strictly platonic. or platonic in the least, since i plan to sex up mgg at the first possible opportunity. welllll...maybe at the second possible opportunity, i don't want to be sluttay.
OKAY BUT REALLY:
5. Zooey & Emily Deschanel
+Days+of+Summer%2522+Los+Angeles+Premiere+-+Arrivals.jpeg)
Oh my GAWD yes. Because Zooey D. makes everything shine a little brighter, even the vomit-inducing monstrosity that was Yes Man. Remember her 4 episode arc on Weeds?? If that wasn't comedic genius, I'm not sure what is. Plus, have you seeeen her closet in that Cotton commercial? Tell me that's not one you'd like to raid. And then there's big sis, Tempy Bren. I mean, I know her character doesn't understand pop culture or basic human emotions, but she definitely does. And she's gotten to make out with David Boreanaz (WITH DB's wife's approval, a rarity in this world), and I wanna know what that's like, if at least second-hand. And we could talk about being cool and vegetarian. AND both sisters can sing, so I foresee a lot of fun karaoke nights where we dress up in cool indie Deschanel clothes. (Also -- Zooey D. was in 500 days of summer w/ matthew gray gubler soooo....HOOK IT UP, bz!)
4. The Cast of One Tree Hill (ugh, yeah -- judge away).
Because how fun do all their parties look? Such carefree delight! Well, except for that time the Brooke/Nathan sex tape emerged and everyone rioted and it was right before prom and Peyton's attack...okay, but seriously! That lack of parental supervision and surplus of hot, basketball playing men is really just a recipe for a kick ass youth (if not a pregnancy scare here and there). And, if I were friends with Haley & P. Sawyer, I would meet a lot of musicians (but hopefully cooler ones than lame-o Pete Wentz),if I were friends with Brooke I would get a lot of trendy free clothes, if I were friends with Nathan I'd meet a lot of pro ballers, and Lucas -- well, he always lends a shoulder to cry on and can find a literary quote for an occasion. Also, it appears as though a residence in Tree Hill means you have access to sex whenever you want it, which is always something I can get on top of (literally, zing!). Yeah, there's a lot of dramatic events like kidnapping and car accidents and shootings, but really what is drama other than the spice of life? Tree Hill here I come.
3. Barack Obama & Rahm Emanuel
Because they look like such fun loving guys, it's hard not to believe that what we don't see in the Oval Office plays out pretty much like any episode of West Wing - global issues being solved with sharp wit, inter-office romances, Kristin Chenowith, inspirational staffer speeches, and an odd appearance of the Jackal. I mean, what else could they be doing back there? But they are so cool because they like, literally LEAD the country! That's tough shit! They have to deal with the Middle East war, homeland security threats, and Evangelicals - a true trio of terror, and yet they never lose their cool. Also, they look so handsome, much cooler than Hil would have looked in her pastel pantsuits. And I just envision a lot of intellectual conversations interspersed with wit while we all stroll along the White House grounds, and they both look at me so admiringly when I offer practical solutions to real world problems.
2. Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Because Tina is always my number 1 celebrity girl crush (though I am really loving on Busy Philipps lately). Because she's the greatest, and her bff Amy therefore must also be great, based on the law of transference. The two of them have give us amazing comedy over the years - Mean Girls is practically the Citizen Kane of this century, and that SNL Election 2008 stuff? Turning something as terrifying as Sarah Palin into laughter takes some serious gumption. ALSO BABY MAMA. Shit's gooood.They're funny girls, yes, but they are also politically savvy, and have great writing skills. Funny with brains? Is there a rarer combination to find in this world (with the exception of an Asian Jew -- kidding, I can say that because I once loved an Asian Jew)?? Talk about having it all! Furthermore, being friends with Tina & Amy would give me access to adorable and well-named children, as they have three between them. What more could a girl ask for?
1. I mean, who else?
Because we're already old friends. Have been since 1994 when I was the ripe old age of 6. Truth be told, I infiltrated this group like a billion years ago, presumably wearing some floral patterned stirrup pants. Back when Courteney was Arquette-less, and Joey had VD. Because I already know everything about them. I know their memories and their stories and I know who has slept with whom (sometimes it's whom!). I was there when that pimp spit in Phoebe's mouth, when that girl stuffed her pants with a tootsie roll to look like the rumored hermaphrodite Rachel, when the pool boy/father fucker asked Chandler if he wanted more turkey. I've been to a lot of Ross' weddings, even more of his divorce parties. Because when you get these six together, it's the absolute best of times. It's better than being at Disneyland at Christmastime on Prozac (bonus points for the reference!). Because secrets come flying out, sarcastic comments are plentiful, and you're always laughing at someone's expense but knowing you all love each other. There is nothing funnier than learning your friend made out with a 51 year old librarian in high school. NOTHING funnier than learning about a nubbin. Nothing greater than getting married at the cafe where the six of you have been drinking out of jumbo cups for over a decade. Once, I wrote an embarrassing letter to Jennifer Aniston about how I wanted to job shadow her for a school assignment, and bitch never wrote me back but I still harbor the most intense love for this show, and frequently my day dreams take me to the corner of Bedford & Grove.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
something truly horrendous happened to me this week. like, i'm still reeling from the (unintentional, i'll give the pimple-faced tween that) stab in the heart i received this past tuesday -- a day that started, innocently enough, at OMSI.
stuart (aged six) and i had gone to OMSI on monday as well, because after our seven-hundredth game of uno, i was desperate for a change and knew that once i said "dinosaur bones" and "earthquake house", he'd be putty in my hands. in fact, i was correct-o-mundo. i was so correct that not only did we spend five hours there on monday, we had to go back for a SEVEN hour round two on tuesday. luckily, stuart discovered the computer lab and never wanted to leave, so i basically created another slave to technology while i sat on my ass and read and ate my skittles without stuart whining incessantly for me to share (though, of course, i always make him give me some of his ice cream. fair schmair). zANYWAYS, i digress. we're walking through the big exhibit hall and a skinny teenaged-ish volunteer calls out to us to ask if we want to do an experiment. obviously, stuart runs over with the speed of a cheetah -- not surprising since he's still wearing the safety goggles from the light display we visited four hours prior. then the dumb volunteer turns to me and says, "this is actually a two person experiment, so you can do it with your son."
...and then i was speechless. which is really not a trait that comes easily to me. like, REALLY? you REALLY think i'm this six-year-old's mom?! that's REALLY what your brain came up with?! aside from completely heartbreaking for yours truly, this is a shockingly unbelievable assumption for a variety of reasons:
1. people always assume i'm 12. literally. more than once a flight attendant has asked me to move from the emergency exit row because you have to be 15 to save people in the event of a crash.
2. once people find out i'm not 12, they then proceed to ask which high school i currently attend.
3. i get ID'd every time i order an alcoholic beverage anywhere in the world.
ALSO, even if i DID look my age (a very respectable 22, thank you very much), it's still kind of ridiculous to assume i gave birth to a human at age 16. the only things i was birthing at age 16 were ill-advised sneak out routes and my first real hangovers. i mean, sometimes when i'm only with susannah (stuart's one year old sister), people will assume i'm her mother (which is still weird to me, because wouldn't you always assume nanny?!!?!), but i usually let it slide because theoretically it's much less ridiculous and certainly more plausible that i could have had a child at 21. i mean, clearly that would have interrupted my very busy schedule last year of binge drinking and experimenting with baking...herbs...into various delicacies, but it could have happened. like, it's not completely insane to assume that i have a one year old if you've never met me.
i'm also insulted because i do NOT look like a mom. the most frequent type of mom at OMSI is completely frazzled, wouldn't know a hair product if it slapped her in the face, and last bought make-up sometime before y2k. and i'm not judging! shit, i know i'll be there someday (and i weep), but that day is NOT today. or tuesday. i was wearing short short jean shorts, you could see my bra straps, and my hair was all straightened (...okay, in retrospect, i'd like to add -- i did not look like a hooker. contrary to the visual i've just created, i was only typically trendy-slutty).
so basically, i just stood and my mouth moved open and shut a few times trying to figure out if i should say something or if what had just happened was real. and the kid didn't notice that i was in apparent shock and agony. agony because GOD do i look old?! or like i've gone through pregnancy and childbirth?! gahhh. but most of all, do i in ANY way give off the impression that i am mature, responsible, or adult enough for the full-time responsibility of any living thing?! shit, half the time i can't even remember to go to the doctor's appointments my mom still schedules for me. i can't even take care of myself!
so thanks, stupid OMSI volunteer douche-bag. you've sent me into a spiral of despair as i attempt to figure out what it is about me that gives off either the "i'm old enough to have a six-year-old-and-it's-not-weird" vibe or the "yeah-i'm-too-young-to-have-a-six-year-old-but,-welp!-i do" vibe. let me tell you -- both fucking suck.
stuart (aged six) and i had gone to OMSI on monday as well, because after our seven-hundredth game of uno, i was desperate for a change and knew that once i said "dinosaur bones" and "earthquake house", he'd be putty in my hands. in fact, i was correct-o-mundo. i was so correct that not only did we spend five hours there on monday, we had to go back for a SEVEN hour round two on tuesday. luckily, stuart discovered the computer lab and never wanted to leave, so i basically created another slave to technology while i sat on my ass and read and ate my skittles without stuart whining incessantly for me to share (though, of course, i always make him give me some of his ice cream. fair schmair). zANYWAYS, i digress. we're walking through the big exhibit hall and a skinny teenaged-ish volunteer calls out to us to ask if we want to do an experiment. obviously, stuart runs over with the speed of a cheetah -- not surprising since he's still wearing the safety goggles from the light display we visited four hours prior. then the dumb volunteer turns to me and says, "this is actually a two person experiment, so you can do it with your son."
...and then i was speechless. which is really not a trait that comes easily to me. like, REALLY? you REALLY think i'm this six-year-old's mom?! that's REALLY what your brain came up with?! aside from completely heartbreaking for yours truly, this is a shockingly unbelievable assumption for a variety of reasons:
1. people always assume i'm 12. literally. more than once a flight attendant has asked me to move from the emergency exit row because you have to be 15 to save people in the event of a crash.
2. once people find out i'm not 12, they then proceed to ask which high school i currently attend.
3. i get ID'd every time i order an alcoholic beverage anywhere in the world.
ALSO, even if i DID look my age (a very respectable 22, thank you very much), it's still kind of ridiculous to assume i gave birth to a human at age 16. the only things i was birthing at age 16 were ill-advised sneak out routes and my first real hangovers. i mean, sometimes when i'm only with susannah (stuart's one year old sister), people will assume i'm her mother (which is still weird to me, because wouldn't you always assume nanny?!!?!), but i usually let it slide because theoretically it's much less ridiculous and certainly more plausible that i could have had a child at 21. i mean, clearly that would have interrupted my very busy schedule last year of binge drinking and experimenting with baking...herbs...into various delicacies, but it could have happened. like, it's not completely insane to assume that i have a one year old if you've never met me.
i'm also insulted because i do NOT look like a mom. the most frequent type of mom at OMSI is completely frazzled, wouldn't know a hair product if it slapped her in the face, and last bought make-up sometime before y2k. and i'm not judging! shit, i know i'll be there someday (and i weep), but that day is NOT today. or tuesday. i was wearing short short jean shorts, you could see my bra straps, and my hair was all straightened (...okay, in retrospect, i'd like to add -- i did not look like a hooker. contrary to the visual i've just created, i was only typically trendy-slutty).
so basically, i just stood and my mouth moved open and shut a few times trying to figure out if i should say something or if what had just happened was real. and the kid didn't notice that i was in apparent shock and agony. agony because GOD do i look old?! or like i've gone through pregnancy and childbirth?! gahhh. but most of all, do i in ANY way give off the impression that i am mature, responsible, or adult enough for the full-time responsibility of any living thing?! shit, half the time i can't even remember to go to the doctor's appointments my mom still schedules for me. i can't even take care of myself!
so thanks, stupid OMSI volunteer douche-bag. you've sent me into a spiral of despair as i attempt to figure out what it is about me that gives off either the "i'm old enough to have a six-year-old-and-it's-not-weird" vibe or the "yeah-i'm-too-young-to-have-a-six-year-old-but,-welp!-i do" vibe. let me tell you -- both fucking suck.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
two things.
one. youtube is both awesome and terrifying. the wealth of videos out there is literally overwhelming, and this girl is not easily overwhelmed. (well, that's exceptionally false. i get super overwhelmed in all sorts of mundane situations like finding a parking spot in an open lot or deciding which out of three beers to buy). zANYWAYS, the point is, youtube is a fount of knowledge. it's like wikipedia on crack. and there are some GREAT gems on there. like the baby who dies of laughter at ripping paper. and all the episodes of hey, arnold! some genius uploaded. but, i've had two slightly terrifying incidents recently on the ol' youtubes that have kind of shaken my faith in the 'instant information' service it provides. scenario 1: i'm trying to find a specific clip from an episode of 'friends' (the one with chandler in a box, naturally), and in the related video it has 'paget brewster on friends, pt 1'. of course, you may or may not know that i am weirdly in love with paget brewster (PLATONIC! i feel like i always sound super lesbionic (robot lesbian?) on this blog, which is fine except i'm straight, i just can't get a boyfriend (probably because i have unrealistic expectations that i'm going to woo and marry matthew gray gubler or john francis daley -- do i have a three-named nerd thing??) OKAY BUT the point is, i click my way through a few paget brewster interviews because bitch is funny as shit, but then some weeeeird things start popping up. like, fan videos of her characters. and other characters. love videos with titles like 'emily prentiss + aaron hotchner 4 EVA TRUE LOVE'. shit's whack. videos about two fictional characters and all the supposed moments they've shared together set to a lovely Nickelback (sense the sarcasm) song. um, okay. listen, i'm all about getting way too invested in fictional characters and their romances, but like -- this is kind of weird. it's toooo much. someone spent a looot of time finding and editing scenes of two particular characters, arranged them in a way so it looks like they're lovahs, and then found the perfect emo song that accurately encapsulates the heartache of love. i mean, don't you have something better to be doing?! god knows i don't, but i always assumed everyone else did. don't destroy the illusion, dAnCiNg_QuEeN11. Cool user name, too. moving on to scenario 2: so fresh off of that slightly unsettling find, i then was attempting to find a parody of 'my sweet sixteen' that my friend patrick made years ago. i typed in 'madeline's birthday sweet sixteen'. no dice on what i was looking for, but a LOT of birth-videos popped up, and i was like oh nope! not what i want. but then, my head must have temporarily absconded from my body because i have NO explanation whatsoever for what happened next. i clicked on one. AND I AM TRAUMATIZED. SHIT son i never want to give birth EVER. i don't know why i did this to myself. i've actually been at a few births, but always up towards the front and rarely by the masticated girl parts that i was privy to in this situation. MAN that is not a pretty sight. i know it's beautiful and natural and all that other shit, but it is assuredly neither of those two things. it should NOT be natural for a baby head to fit through...there. i mean, a baby head is still a head. it's still not as small as you'd want for something passing through your body. geez LOUISE i am scarred. so, keeping these incidents in mind, i now live life with a healthy dose of wariness when on youtube. understandably, i think. obviously i can't avoid the website -- sometimes a girl just wants to watch the end scene of 'he's just not that into you' where justin long tells ginnifer goodwin that "she's his exception". or watch the scene in 30 Rock where Tracy and Jenna switch genders and races and Tracy Jordan has a monster claw on because they ran out of white make-up because he insisted they paint his buttocks. COME ON! you can't make me give that up. so the message, kids, is be careful out there -- you never know what might hit you. it could be a lighthearted video about a kid after the dentist, it might be tHe StOrY of LoVe from One Tree Hill (bad example, because I'd watch that, but you get my point).
Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Oh, sweet hay-zeus this woman is an idiot. the internets have been telling me that she thinks the rise in later-in-life lesbians is because men go for younger girls, leaving old women alone and seeking companionship. so obviously the immediate response of the middle-aged single woman is not to a. get a cat, b. get many cats, but in fact is c. get pussy. um, FALSE hasselbeck. as joy behar correctly pointed out, being gay isn't just hand-holding through the daffodils and fun trips to the farmer's market. it's like, having sex and being attracted to someone of the same gender. i strongly doubt that a significant portion of single older women just decide one day that going down on another woman more than once and outside of a drunken college night is a fair trade for some companionship. also, i feel as though her claim is not only wrong, it's also dually offensive to both actual late-in-life lesbians, who struggled with their sexuality for a while before eventually coming out. it's also offensive to older single women who aren't gay and just want some friends. also, is it really a NEW fad that older men go for younger women? younger women have always had perkier boobs and more time for frivolous sex. so not sure we can attribute the spike in late in life lezzies to some newfangled notion that men like a woman with a tight bod. maybe, just maaaybe, elisabeth hasselbeck, it's because, despite your best efforts to stifle the gay community, some women are realizing they've been socially repressed and are now fighting back as the gay community is (rightly) becoming more accepted by the rest of this dumb country. so, elisabeth. just.shut.up. because your opinions suck. and that just be my opinion, but it's also verifiable.
one. youtube is both awesome and terrifying. the wealth of videos out there is literally overwhelming, and this girl is not easily overwhelmed. (well, that's exceptionally false. i get super overwhelmed in all sorts of mundane situations like finding a parking spot in an open lot or deciding which out of three beers to buy). zANYWAYS, the point is, youtube is a fount of knowledge. it's like wikipedia on crack. and there are some GREAT gems on there. like the baby who dies of laughter at ripping paper. and all the episodes of hey, arnold! some genius uploaded. but, i've had two slightly terrifying incidents recently on the ol' youtubes that have kind of shaken my faith in the 'instant information' service it provides. scenario 1: i'm trying to find a specific clip from an episode of 'friends' (the one with chandler in a box, naturally), and in the related video it has 'paget brewster on friends, pt 1'. of course, you may or may not know that i am weirdly in love with paget brewster (PLATONIC! i feel like i always sound super lesbionic (robot lesbian?) on this blog, which is fine except i'm straight, i just can't get a boyfriend (probably because i have unrealistic expectations that i'm going to woo and marry matthew gray gubler or john francis daley -- do i have a three-named nerd thing??) OKAY BUT the point is, i click my way through a few paget brewster interviews because bitch is funny as shit, but then some weeeeird things start popping up. like, fan videos of her characters. and other characters. love videos with titles like 'emily prentiss + aaron hotchner 4 EVA TRUE LOVE'. shit's whack. videos about two fictional characters and all the supposed moments they've shared together set to a lovely Nickelback (sense the sarcasm) song. um, okay. listen, i'm all about getting way too invested in fictional characters and their romances, but like -- this is kind of weird. it's toooo much. someone spent a looot of time finding and editing scenes of two particular characters, arranged them in a way so it looks like they're lovahs, and then found the perfect emo song that accurately encapsulates the heartache of love. i mean, don't you have something better to be doing?! god knows i don't, but i always assumed everyone else did. don't destroy the illusion, dAnCiNg_QuEeN11. Cool user name, too. moving on to scenario 2: so fresh off of that slightly unsettling find, i then was attempting to find a parody of 'my sweet sixteen' that my friend patrick made years ago. i typed in 'madeline's birthday sweet sixteen'. no dice on what i was looking for, but a LOT of birth-videos popped up, and i was like oh nope! not what i want. but then, my head must have temporarily absconded from my body because i have NO explanation whatsoever for what happened next. i clicked on one. AND I AM TRAUMATIZED. SHIT son i never want to give birth EVER. i don't know why i did this to myself. i've actually been at a few births, but always up towards the front and rarely by the masticated girl parts that i was privy to in this situation. MAN that is not a pretty sight. i know it's beautiful and natural and all that other shit, but it is assuredly neither of those two things. it should NOT be natural for a baby head to fit through...there. i mean, a baby head is still a head. it's still not as small as you'd want for something passing through your body. geez LOUISE i am scarred. so, keeping these incidents in mind, i now live life with a healthy dose of wariness when on youtube. understandably, i think. obviously i can't avoid the website -- sometimes a girl just wants to watch the end scene of 'he's just not that into you' where justin long tells ginnifer goodwin that "she's his exception". or watch the scene in 30 Rock where Tracy and Jenna switch genders and races and Tracy Jordan has a monster claw on because they ran out of white make-up because he insisted they paint his buttocks. COME ON! you can't make me give that up. so the message, kids, is be careful out there -- you never know what might hit you. it could be a lighthearted video about a kid after the dentist, it might be tHe StOrY of LoVe from One Tree Hill (bad example, because I'd watch that, but you get my point).
Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Oh, sweet hay-zeus this woman is an idiot. the internets have been telling me that she thinks the rise in later-in-life lesbians is because men go for younger girls, leaving old women alone and seeking companionship. so obviously the immediate response of the middle-aged single woman is not to a. get a cat, b. get many cats, but in fact is c. get pussy. um, FALSE hasselbeck. as joy behar correctly pointed out, being gay isn't just hand-holding through the daffodils and fun trips to the farmer's market. it's like, having sex and being attracted to someone of the same gender. i strongly doubt that a significant portion of single older women just decide one day that going down on another woman more than once and outside of a drunken college night is a fair trade for some companionship. also, i feel as though her claim is not only wrong, it's also dually offensive to both actual late-in-life lesbians, who struggled with their sexuality for a while before eventually coming out. it's also offensive to older single women who aren't gay and just want some friends. also, is it really a NEW fad that older men go for younger women? younger women have always had perkier boobs and more time for frivolous sex. so not sure we can attribute the spike in late in life lezzies to some newfangled notion that men like a woman with a tight bod. maybe, just maaaybe, elisabeth hasselbeck, it's because, despite your best efforts to stifle the gay community, some women are realizing they've been socially repressed and are now fighting back as the gay community is (rightly) becoming more accepted by the rest of this dumb country. so, elisabeth. just.shut.up. because your opinions suck. and that just be my opinion, but it's also verifiable.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
a wee pre-preface: i'm slightly drunk. $3 cocktails -- come ON.
an actual preface to the main meat of this post: i am a HUGE fan of MTV-style reality television. but one show in particular has my heart. i still remember when i was fourteen years old and Laguna Beach: The Real OC debuted. Instant gold. And i've been a faithful fan of my girl LC ever since. I fucking LOVE Lauren Conrad, with her trendy braided hairstyles and her heartbreaking decision to choose Jason over Paris (which, ugh, I could never support). Honestly, it's a sad truth of my life that if Lauren and Brody don't end up happily together, I'm going to be so much more depressed than any human has a right to be. (okay but also -- how amaaaazing would a "family-style" reality tv-show with lauren & brody and! in-law stepsisters the Kardashians! be?) zANYWAYS, I spent my formative years with LC, we've grown up together for godsakes. I've seen her grow and seen her mature and seen her ditch ass hats like Jason and Heidi. So OBviously when LC made her grown-up move to The Hills, I went right along with her. You mean you didn't see me all those nights at Les Deux?!? And I was a faithful viewer of The Hills, Justin-Bobby and sex tapes and Lo being a huuuge BZ to Audrina (which was really sad for me, because I LOVED Lo on LB), and all those shenanigans. I remember when Audrina was just Heidi's pool-side friend, for godsakes! And that first, fateful episode when Heidi had that horribly hilarious interview...ah, memory lane. In fact, the only season of either LB and/or The Hills that I didn't watch was the last one -- because I hate that whore Kristin Cavallari with a passion that I generally reserve for despicable things such as Twilight and that tea-bagger Sarah Palin. Also, it's hard for me to look at Franken-Heidi these days, and I couldn't deal when the show started to veer towards a Spencer/Heidi horror-spectacular.
I mean, how doesn't hate Spencer? Hating Spencer Pratt is as all-American as hating France and vegetarians. Guy's a fucking ass hat. Like, my personal vision of hell is being trapped in an enclosed space with a bald eagle and Spencer Pratt. Not sure which I'd kill first. So, with that lovely thought in mind, the statement I'm about to make is going to sound egregiously bold.
Spencer Pratt is a FUCKING GENIUS.
Honestly, those are the last words I ever thought I'd be saying. Especially since I watched the douche get BAPTIZED by STEPHEN BALDWIN on I'M A CELEBRITY, GET ME OUT OF HERE!" But here's the deal -- dude's got an action plan, and it is working. In a people.com article (in fact, the most read article of the week) entitled "I Chose Fame Over Heidi", Spencer's true Urkel emerges. Direct quotes from the article:
"I'm a famewhore and I'll never grow out of it."
"I want every kind of press."
And the thing is -- he's winning! He wants to be famous, and by god, HE IS. Because he says shit like, "I'm an artist now. I have an easel and everything. I'm going for an art show and a gallery." And then, sane humans such as myself (blookay just go with it) HAVE to respond. Because the visual of Spencer Pratt in a beret with a fucking paintbrush in his hand is too much to bear. He wants us to talk about him, and we DO because literally couldn't be further off his rocker. He's totally misogynistic, Republican when it suits him, compares himself to Brad Pitt (and Tom Cruise, but that comparison is totally accurate in my mind since they are both balls to the walls whackadoo), like, how can i NOT talk about this fucking mess?! And therein lies the true genius of Spencer Pratt. He's a ridiculous human, and so sincerely believes in famewhoring and no-bad-press that he says preposterous things and stirs shit up and then, voila, he's the most read story on people.com. It's literally brilliant. The execution is spotless. I'm so weirdly impressed as I simultaneously want to shoot him in the face. And that's exactly what he wants. He wants me to wish to shoot him in the face, because that means I'm talking about him! JESUS I've been fooled by Spencer Pratt. The stupidest human in the world has bested me. What a horrible world we live in.
an actual preface to the main meat of this post: i am a HUGE fan of MTV-style reality television. but one show in particular has my heart. i still remember when i was fourteen years old and Laguna Beach: The Real OC debuted. Instant gold. And i've been a faithful fan of my girl LC ever since. I fucking LOVE Lauren Conrad, with her trendy braided hairstyles and her heartbreaking decision to choose Jason over Paris (which, ugh, I could never support). Honestly, it's a sad truth of my life that if Lauren and Brody don't end up happily together, I'm going to be so much more depressed than any human has a right to be. (okay but also -- how amaaaazing would a "family-style" reality tv-show with lauren & brody and! in-law stepsisters the Kardashians! be?) zANYWAYS, I spent my formative years with LC, we've grown up together for godsakes. I've seen her grow and seen her mature and seen her ditch ass hats like Jason and Heidi. So OBviously when LC made her grown-up move to The Hills, I went right along with her. You mean you didn't see me all those nights at Les Deux?!? And I was a faithful viewer of The Hills, Justin-Bobby and sex tapes and Lo being a huuuge BZ to Audrina (which was really sad for me, because I LOVED Lo on LB), and all those shenanigans. I remember when Audrina was just Heidi's pool-side friend, for godsakes! And that first, fateful episode when Heidi had that horribly hilarious interview...ah, memory lane. In fact, the only season of either LB and/or The Hills that I didn't watch was the last one -- because I hate that whore Kristin Cavallari with a passion that I generally reserve for despicable things such as Twilight and that tea-bagger Sarah Palin. Also, it's hard for me to look at Franken-Heidi these days, and I couldn't deal when the show started to veer towards a Spencer/Heidi horror-spectacular.
I mean, how doesn't hate Spencer? Hating Spencer Pratt is as all-American as hating France and vegetarians. Guy's a fucking ass hat. Like, my personal vision of hell is being trapped in an enclosed space with a bald eagle and Spencer Pratt. Not sure which I'd kill first. So, with that lovely thought in mind, the statement I'm about to make is going to sound egregiously bold.
Spencer Pratt is a FUCKING GENIUS.
Honestly, those are the last words I ever thought I'd be saying. Especially since I watched the douche get BAPTIZED by STEPHEN BALDWIN on I'M A CELEBRITY, GET ME OUT OF HERE!" But here's the deal -- dude's got an action plan, and it is working. In a people.com article (in fact, the most read article of the week) entitled "I Chose Fame Over Heidi", Spencer's true Urkel emerges. Direct quotes from the article:
"I'm a famewhore and I'll never grow out of it."
"I want every kind of press."
And the thing is -- he's winning! He wants to be famous, and by god, HE IS. Because he says shit like, "I'm an artist now. I have an easel and everything. I'm going for an art show and a gallery." And then, sane humans such as myself (blookay just go with it) HAVE to respond. Because the visual of Spencer Pratt in a beret with a fucking paintbrush in his hand is too much to bear. He wants us to talk about him, and we DO because literally couldn't be further off his rocker. He's totally misogynistic, Republican when it suits him, compares himself to Brad Pitt (and Tom Cruise, but that comparison is totally accurate in my mind since they are both balls to the walls whackadoo), like, how can i NOT talk about this fucking mess?! And therein lies the true genius of Spencer Pratt. He's a ridiculous human, and so sincerely believes in famewhoring and no-bad-press that he says preposterous things and stirs shit up and then, voila, he's the most read story on people.com. It's literally brilliant. The execution is spotless. I'm so weirdly impressed as I simultaneously want to shoot him in the face. And that's exactly what he wants. He wants me to wish to shoot him in the face, because that means I'm talking about him! JESUS I've been fooled by Spencer Pratt. The stupidest human in the world has bested me. What a horrible world we live in.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
a biography of sorts...
my dear friend Meg over at 2birds1blog.com (highly encourage you to visit; she's funny as shit and though we've never met i know we'd be besties) recently wrote a post about online dating and the little 'bios' they encourage you to fill out so that they can match you with your Soul Mate (capital S, capital M). Like, do you put your real interests down? If so, are you doomed to be single? Judging by the list of interests I've come up with, I am in fact doomed to remain single forEVER because it appears as though I'm not a real human. So, in the spirit of total honesty and complete copying of the lovely Meg, my very real (and very absurd) list of interests that will garner me a life of solitude.
- stalking celebrities for hours on end via twitter and growing waaay too excited when i realize that some of my favorites are friends in real life
- sharpies
- hand-washing dishes
- dressing my imaginary children on crewcuts.com
- simultaneously spewing hate at Twilight while memorializing true blood in the most reverent way possible, a drinking game (drink every time bill swoops in and says in his deep breathy voice, "soookay!"
- relating every event that happens to me or anyone i know in real life to an episode of a television show
- any and all cheese product (or, full disclosure: cheese flavored product)
- harry potter. like, more than any other person on earth
- fictional epic love stories (ross & rachel, mr. darcy & elizabeth)
- north east portland
- the constitution
- planning ways to move to london, stalk either/both ron weasley and prince harry, and convince either/both to marry me
- watching the sound of music and reciting every single line of the entire movie
- pool talk.
- trivia nights and miller high life
- miller high life
- skeletons and bones. also, the show Bones for the extreme unresolved sexual tension and david boreanaz
- planning outfits that revolve around the color green
- getting high and consuming 2 $5 footlongs at once
- binge drinking
- anything that ever airs on TLC, with particular attention paid to Toddlers and Tiaras and I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant
- talking intelligently about things like mastitis and nap schedules with actual moms (which i am not) who have actual children (which, praise jesus, i do not)
- spencer reid of criminal minds/matthew gray gubler of the human population AKA FUTURE HUSBAND
- cat stevens
- classic TGIF programming, in the veins of Boy Meets World and Step by Step
- guacamole, on everything
- the duggars
- puns
- reading aloud to myself with voices in my hammock
- babies
- reveling in the intracacies of one tree hill plot lines
- hating the lakers with every fiber of my being
- watching and commentator-ing professional gymnastics
- the art of tailgating
- baking delicious things but only sharing them with myself
- amelia earhart and theories on her disappearance
- waiting for my letter from Hogwarts
- diagnosing myself with various terminal illnesses with the help of webmd
- subsequently planning my funeral menu
- rage-dancing around my room to My Life Would Suck Without You
- Sandra Bullock, Busy Philipps, Paget Brewster, Sophia Bush, and Tina Fey
- watching Bridget Jones' Diary over and over to get my ideal British accent just right
- Wii bowling
- making playlists with titles such as "probably heard on the WB" and "i wanna dance with someBODY, wanna feel the heat..."
- building forts out of blankets and couch cushions
- corrupting the youth of america and teaching my 8 year old neighbors how to play root beer pong
- consuming exorbitant amounts of otter pops in a single sitting
- futbol
- dreaming about my future book store/bakery which shall henceforth known as .noveltea.
- ...looking at wedding dresses online
- imdb trivia'ing every single movie or television show i watch
- painting my toenails black no matter the season
- incorporating animal print into my wardrobe with excess
- the confederacy
- recreating 90s high-school party movies
- making lists.
my dear friend Meg over at 2birds1blog.com (highly encourage you to visit; she's funny as shit and though we've never met i know we'd be besties) recently wrote a post about online dating and the little 'bios' they encourage you to fill out so that they can match you with your Soul Mate (capital S, capital M). Like, do you put your real interests down? If so, are you doomed to be single? Judging by the list of interests I've come up with, I am in fact doomed to remain single forEVER because it appears as though I'm not a real human. So, in the spirit of total honesty and complete copying of the lovely Meg, my very real (and very absurd) list of interests that will garner me a life of solitude.
- stalking celebrities for hours on end via twitter and growing waaay too excited when i realize that some of my favorites are friends in real life
- sharpies
- hand-washing dishes
- dressing my imaginary children on crewcuts.com
- simultaneously spewing hate at Twilight while memorializing true blood in the most reverent way possible, a drinking game (drink every time bill swoops in and says in his deep breathy voice, "soookay!"
- relating every event that happens to me or anyone i know in real life to an episode of a television show
- any and all cheese product (or, full disclosure: cheese flavored product)
- harry potter. like, more than any other person on earth
- fictional epic love stories (ross & rachel, mr. darcy & elizabeth)
- north east portland
- the constitution
- planning ways to move to london, stalk either/both ron weasley and prince harry, and convince either/both to marry me
- watching the sound of music and reciting every single line of the entire movie
- pool talk.
- trivia nights and miller high life
- miller high life
- skeletons and bones. also, the show Bones for the extreme unresolved sexual tension and david boreanaz
- planning outfits that revolve around the color green
- getting high and consuming 2 $5 footlongs at once
- binge drinking
- anything that ever airs on TLC, with particular attention paid to Toddlers and Tiaras and I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant
- talking intelligently about things like mastitis and nap schedules with actual moms (which i am not) who have actual children (which, praise jesus, i do not)
- spencer reid of criminal minds/matthew gray gubler of the human population AKA FUTURE HUSBAND
- cat stevens
- classic TGIF programming, in the veins of Boy Meets World and Step by Step
- guacamole, on everything
- the duggars
- puns
- reading aloud to myself with voices in my hammock
- babies
- reveling in the intracacies of one tree hill plot lines
- hating the lakers with every fiber of my being
- watching and commentator-ing professional gymnastics
- the art of tailgating
- baking delicious things but only sharing them with myself
- amelia earhart and theories on her disappearance
- waiting for my letter from Hogwarts
- diagnosing myself with various terminal illnesses with the help of webmd
- subsequently planning my funeral menu
- rage-dancing around my room to My Life Would Suck Without You
- Sandra Bullock, Busy Philipps, Paget Brewster, Sophia Bush, and Tina Fey
- watching Bridget Jones' Diary over and over to get my ideal British accent just right
- Wii bowling
- making playlists with titles such as "probably heard on the WB" and "i wanna dance with someBODY, wanna feel the heat..."
- building forts out of blankets and couch cushions
- corrupting the youth of america and teaching my 8 year old neighbors how to play root beer pong
- consuming exorbitant amounts of otter pops in a single sitting
- futbol
- dreaming about my future book store/bakery which shall henceforth known as .noveltea.
- ...looking at wedding dresses online
- imdb trivia'ing every single movie or television show i watch
- painting my toenails black no matter the season
- incorporating animal print into my wardrobe with excess
- the confederacy
- recreating 90s high-school party movies
- making lists.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Emmy Redux Part II (COMEDY)
Outstanding Comedy Series --
i. Glee -- yep, I'm a Gleek. All I ever want in life is more singing and dancing, and always more power ballads, so obviously this show is right up my alley. Plus, the actress who plays Brittany has THE.FUNNIEST.LINES on television.
ii. Modern Family -- okay. I think Modern Family is funny, but I don't happen to think it's the second coming of Arrested Development as so many people seem to (hello, that was obviously Better Off Ted). It is funny, and I think the casting is spot-on, so I'll allow it.
iii. Curb Your Enthusiasm -- over.it. Funny, uncouth, yeah yeah yeah. The same schtick is really getting old, to be honest. It's just too expected and therefore loses a lot of it's charm.
iv. Nurse Jackie -- ugh, I'm against this show on principle mainly because my mom (who has notoriously poor taste in television -- I'm talking The Shield bad) loves the shit out of this show. I do like Edie Falco though, and I like the premise, but I don't know if I can actually watch it or want it to win an Emmy.
v. 30 Rock -- well, yes of course. My life hero is Tina Fey, so obviously I'm all about this one. It is also one of the wittiest, smart-funny show ever. It's sly topicality and self-deprecating humor are things I can really get onboard with, and the cast is stellar. Even on an off episode, it's still the perfect show.
vi. The Office -- I'm so heartbroken about this, but I have to say no. I looooved The Office for the first three seasons. Jim & Pam = best romantic tension evah. But then, it started a slow slide into just sheer annoying. They focused in too narrowly on certain characters and forgot the utter genius of Creed and Meredith. It's just not very funny any more, and it kills me to say that. But I must.
If I were Emmy-God, I'd: get rid of Curb Your Enthusiasm, and insert Better Off Ted, the cancellation of which I may never get over (much in the vein of Freaks & Geeks). I would also, with great sadness, switch The Office's spot with Parks and Recreation, which has the same zest and zaniness that the Office used to hold so dear. And I'd love to see 30 Rock win again, but I think it'll go to Glee, with a possible Modern Family upset.
Outstanding Actress in a Comedy Series --
i. Lea Michele (Glee) -- yeah, alright. she's not my personal favorite character on the show, but her voice is unbeatable and she does deliver some great lines. her character is so pathetically endearing, and even as you want to murder rachel berry, you still want her to win sectionals. so good work, lea.
ii. Tina Fey (30 Rock) -- YES. all i have to say is: Tina Fey talking to herself in the mirror during the Deal Breakers episode of this show? Best.thing.ever.
iii. Toni Collette (The United States of Tara) -- yes. playing multiple (absurd) persons and making them not only believable but also hilarious must not be easy, but Toni Collette makes it look so simple. Perfect.
iv. Julia Louis-Dreyfus (The New Adventures of Old Christine) -- I can't quite understand a. how this show lasted so long, b. how she already actually won an Emmy for it, and c. why critics seem to like it. It's sooo traditional and relies on the same old same old sitcom stuff. No thanks.
v. Edie Falco (Nurse Jackie) -- she's a great actress, sure, but my aforementioned reasons for picketing this show mean I've never seen her in it. So, I guess I'll trust you, Emmy voters. Although with your track record, that might be risky.
vi. Amy Poehler (Parks & Recreation) -- yep, I'm good with this one. Both Amy and her character, Leslie, are just so damn sweet and lovable, while being total goofballs. We all have a little Leslie Knope in us, and Amy Poehler plays it perfectly - not overdone like Steve Carell's Michael Scott has veered towards, but just right.
If I were Emmy-God, I'd: get Jane Lynch the hell out of the Supporting Actress bs, boot Julia Louis-Dreyfus out of this list, insert JL, who is the funniest person on television. All in all, I'm okay with this list, though. And while I wouldn't be surprised to see Leo Michele or Toni Collette walk away with it, I'm still rooting for my girl TIna.
Outstanding Actor in a Comedy Series --
i. Larry David (Curb Your Enthusiasm) -- nope. same old same old. just sick of it. you're vulgar and you swear a lot enthusiastically and i think both of those things are hilarious, but i'm over it coming from you.
ii. Alec Baldwin (30 Rock) -- spot on. YES. Alec Baldwin might be an ass in real life, but he is Jack Donaghy. There's a reason he's won this so many times -- because he simply excels at this character, if not as a human being.
iii. Matthew Morrison (Glee) -- No. NO NO NO. I cannot STAND this character. He is sooo pedantic and uncomfortable (especially whilst rapping) and he talks to his love interest Emma in a really weird, condescending, rape-y way. HATE him. Can't even believe he is include on here. Travesty.
iv. Steve Carell (The Office) -- you know, he's good as Michael Scott. He gets us to laugh and he gets us to care about him, but like I said before - the glory days of The Office have since passed. I'm so so on this one.
v. Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory) -- yep, good call Emmy voters. He plays an asperger-y type genius so absolutely perfectly. You can't help but love the character, even as he makes you cringe repeatedly. Awesome acting.
vi. Tony Shalhoub (Monk) -- I thought this show ended like three years ago. Apparently not. Eh, I guess he's alright. Whatever.
If I were Emmy-God, I'd: never have allowed Matthew Morrison to have been nominated. Egregious error. I would fill in his rightly-vacated seat with Zachary Levi of Chuck, who I have the biggest soft spot for. He's just an ordinary guy trying to be extraordinary, and his struggles are so sweet and he tries so hard. Wonderful character. I'm not really enchanted with most of these nominees, but am hard pressed to find better ones. Sidenote: the fact that Charlie Sheen wasn't nominated for Two and a Half Men is the absolute best news I've heard since Obama was elected. I'm going to go with perennial favorite Alec Baldwin for the cake, but with Jim Parsons providing stiff competition (and a slim chance for an upset).
Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series --
i. Jane Lynch (Glee) -- the winner. My personal belief is that she could have gone for Lead, but either way -- Sue Sylvester is the funniest woman on television. Every quip out of her mouth is a comedic gem. She just makes me happy.
ii. Kristen Wiig (Saturday Night Live) -- she's overused. I don't hate this nomination, but I can't fully support it either. Her characters are usually funny, but she's best when not used in every single skit. She's funny, but sometimes the humor gets old real fast, and it feels so overused it's not funny.
iii. Jane Krakowski (30 Rock) -- YES. she's nominated frequently, but I am so sad that she's never won. I think she is absolutely hysterical as Jenna. She is so believable as the most ridiculous human on earth, and she delivers even the most insane of lines spot-on.
iv. Julie Bowen (Modern Family) -- yep. Loved her since Ed. She's perfect in this role because as often as you can see her as the realistic straight man, you can also see her as the perfect match for her husband and the perfect ice skating partner for her brother.
v. Sofia Vergara (Modern Family) -- eh, okay. I don't think she's particularly hilarious on the show, but she is enjoyable to watch. I mean, she's funny but if she weren't there, I don't think the show would really take the biggest of a hit.
vi. Holland Taylor (Two and A Half Men) -- NO. and I'm not even considering her acting abilities, whatever they may be; I'm merely basing this on the fact that Two and A Half Men is the absolute worst most overrated drivel of a show that has ever been created. I'm actually pained by the fact that most Americans (ugh, as a country we are really NOT the brightest) watch AND LIKE this shit.
If I were Emmy-God, I'd: treat Two and A Half Men like Charlie Sheen did Brooke Mueller, and Holland Taylor would be an unfortunate casualty. I'd flip a coin between Kristin Wiig and Sofia Vergara, and one of them would have to go. Busy Philipps would absolutely get a spot for Cougar Town, because her dumb blonde Laurie is so sweetly clueless and trashy. She's a total scene stealer, and deserves a nom. Futhermore, I'd get Portia de Rossi in there for Better Off Ted, because she was epic and it is a tragedy that we don't get more of Veronica's often unintentional humor. While I'd love to see Jane Krakowski finally recognized for lines such as "do you need a sex tape release? Because I've got a weird one. It's night vision and you can see that his buddy is robbing me!", we all know it's Jane Lynch going home with that Emmy.
Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series --
i. Chris Colfer (Glee) -- yeah, good deal. Although I like him a lot more when he's not crying again about how his dad doesn't love him. HELLO, Mike O'Malley tells you every episode that he loves you! Too overdone, that storyline. However, I'm so pleased to see such a heartfelt portrayal recognized.
ii. Neil Patrick Harris (How I Met Your Mother) -- yeah, solid. His Barney is a total ass most of the time, but we love him anyway. He walks the line between too far and not far enough so well it's as if he was born to do it. Excellent work.
iii. Jesse Tyler Ferguson (Modern Family) -- yeah, sure. I don't have excessively strong feelings one way or the other on this one, but I do find his character enjoyable, so I'll give it to ya. The character and I share the same fear of birds, so we stand together.
iv. Jon Cryer (Two and a Half Men) -- NO. For reasons stated above, absolutely not. no and never. although, it's better than a nom for Charlie Sheen. But still, despicable.
v. Eric Stonestreet (Modern Family) -- yes. He's my favorite character on this show. I think he is absolutely hilarious in every scene (as he steals it, high-o!) Perfect job. He's so sincere and his comedic timing is infallible.
vi. Ty Burrell (Modern Family) -- yeah, he is pretty great. Has a lot of heart. Is so doofy but you have to love it, and him. He's probably my second fave character, and he does a great job of delivering hilarious lines completely straight faced.
If I were Emmy-God, I'd: have canceled Two and A Half Men the day it aired, and therefore Jon Cryer's ill-deserved spot would go to 30 Rock's Jack MacBrayer, because Kenneth is so absurd as a human that you can't help but love the portrayal. Love it. I think this category is really even all around (minus Jon Cryer duh), but I'm going to go with a split between Eric Stonestreet and Ty Burrell for the win.
Outstanding Comedy Series --
i. Glee -- yep, I'm a Gleek. All I ever want in life is more singing and dancing, and always more power ballads, so obviously this show is right up my alley. Plus, the actress who plays Brittany has THE.FUNNIEST.LINES on television.
ii. Modern Family -- okay. I think Modern Family is funny, but I don't happen to think it's the second coming of Arrested Development as so many people seem to (hello, that was obviously Better Off Ted). It is funny, and I think the casting is spot-on, so I'll allow it.
iii. Curb Your Enthusiasm -- over.it. Funny, uncouth, yeah yeah yeah. The same schtick is really getting old, to be honest. It's just too expected and therefore loses a lot of it's charm.
iv. Nurse Jackie -- ugh, I'm against this show on principle mainly because my mom (who has notoriously poor taste in television -- I'm talking The Shield bad) loves the shit out of this show. I do like Edie Falco though, and I like the premise, but I don't know if I can actually watch it or want it to win an Emmy.
v. 30 Rock -- well, yes of course. My life hero is Tina Fey, so obviously I'm all about this one. It is also one of the wittiest, smart-funny show ever. It's sly topicality and self-deprecating humor are things I can really get onboard with, and the cast is stellar. Even on an off episode, it's still the perfect show.
vi. The Office -- I'm so heartbroken about this, but I have to say no. I looooved The Office for the first three seasons. Jim & Pam = best romantic tension evah. But then, it started a slow slide into just sheer annoying. They focused in too narrowly on certain characters and forgot the utter genius of Creed and Meredith. It's just not very funny any more, and it kills me to say that. But I must.
If I were Emmy-God, I'd: get rid of Curb Your Enthusiasm, and insert Better Off Ted, the cancellation of which I may never get over (much in the vein of Freaks & Geeks). I would also, with great sadness, switch The Office's spot with Parks and Recreation, which has the same zest and zaniness that the Office used to hold so dear. And I'd love to see 30 Rock win again, but I think it'll go to Glee, with a possible Modern Family upset.
Outstanding Actress in a Comedy Series --
i. Lea Michele (Glee) -- yeah, alright. she's not my personal favorite character on the show, but her voice is unbeatable and she does deliver some great lines. her character is so pathetically endearing, and even as you want to murder rachel berry, you still want her to win sectionals. so good work, lea.
ii. Tina Fey (30 Rock) -- YES. all i have to say is: Tina Fey talking to herself in the mirror during the Deal Breakers episode of this show? Best.thing.ever.
iii. Toni Collette (The United States of Tara) -- yes. playing multiple (absurd) persons and making them not only believable but also hilarious must not be easy, but Toni Collette makes it look so simple. Perfect.
iv. Julia Louis-Dreyfus (The New Adventures of Old Christine) -- I can't quite understand a. how this show lasted so long, b. how she already actually won an Emmy for it, and c. why critics seem to like it. It's sooo traditional and relies on the same old same old sitcom stuff. No thanks.
v. Edie Falco (Nurse Jackie) -- she's a great actress, sure, but my aforementioned reasons for picketing this show mean I've never seen her in it. So, I guess I'll trust you, Emmy voters. Although with your track record, that might be risky.
vi. Amy Poehler (Parks & Recreation) -- yep, I'm good with this one. Both Amy and her character, Leslie, are just so damn sweet and lovable, while being total goofballs. We all have a little Leslie Knope in us, and Amy Poehler plays it perfectly - not overdone like Steve Carell's Michael Scott has veered towards, but just right.
If I were Emmy-God, I'd: get Jane Lynch the hell out of the Supporting Actress bs, boot Julia Louis-Dreyfus out of this list, insert JL, who is the funniest person on television. All in all, I'm okay with this list, though. And while I wouldn't be surprised to see Leo Michele or Toni Collette walk away with it, I'm still rooting for my girl TIna.
Outstanding Actor in a Comedy Series --
i. Larry David (Curb Your Enthusiasm) -- nope. same old same old. just sick of it. you're vulgar and you swear a lot enthusiastically and i think both of those things are hilarious, but i'm over it coming from you.
ii. Alec Baldwin (30 Rock) -- spot on. YES. Alec Baldwin might be an ass in real life, but he is Jack Donaghy. There's a reason he's won this so many times -- because he simply excels at this character, if not as a human being.
iii. Matthew Morrison (Glee) -- No. NO NO NO. I cannot STAND this character. He is sooo pedantic and uncomfortable (especially whilst rapping) and he talks to his love interest Emma in a really weird, condescending, rape-y way. HATE him. Can't even believe he is include on here. Travesty.
iv. Steve Carell (The Office) -- you know, he's good as Michael Scott. He gets us to laugh and he gets us to care about him, but like I said before - the glory days of The Office have since passed. I'm so so on this one.
v. Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory) -- yep, good call Emmy voters. He plays an asperger-y type genius so absolutely perfectly. You can't help but love the character, even as he makes you cringe repeatedly. Awesome acting.
vi. Tony Shalhoub (Monk) -- I thought this show ended like three years ago. Apparently not. Eh, I guess he's alright. Whatever.
If I were Emmy-God, I'd: never have allowed Matthew Morrison to have been nominated. Egregious error. I would fill in his rightly-vacated seat with Zachary Levi of Chuck, who I have the biggest soft spot for. He's just an ordinary guy trying to be extraordinary, and his struggles are so sweet and he tries so hard. Wonderful character. I'm not really enchanted with most of these nominees, but am hard pressed to find better ones. Sidenote: the fact that Charlie Sheen wasn't nominated for Two and a Half Men is the absolute best news I've heard since Obama was elected. I'm going to go with perennial favorite Alec Baldwin for the cake, but with Jim Parsons providing stiff competition (and a slim chance for an upset).
Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series --
i. Jane Lynch (Glee) -- the winner. My personal belief is that she could have gone for Lead, but either way -- Sue Sylvester is the funniest woman on television. Every quip out of her mouth is a comedic gem. She just makes me happy.
ii. Kristen Wiig (Saturday Night Live) -- she's overused. I don't hate this nomination, but I can't fully support it either. Her characters are usually funny, but she's best when not used in every single skit. She's funny, but sometimes the humor gets old real fast, and it feels so overused it's not funny.
iii. Jane Krakowski (30 Rock) -- YES. she's nominated frequently, but I am so sad that she's never won. I think she is absolutely hysterical as Jenna. She is so believable as the most ridiculous human on earth, and she delivers even the most insane of lines spot-on.
iv. Julie Bowen (Modern Family) -- yep. Loved her since Ed. She's perfect in this role because as often as you can see her as the realistic straight man, you can also see her as the perfect match for her husband and the perfect ice skating partner for her brother.
v. Sofia Vergara (Modern Family) -- eh, okay. I don't think she's particularly hilarious on the show, but she is enjoyable to watch. I mean, she's funny but if she weren't there, I don't think the show would really take the biggest of a hit.
vi. Holland Taylor (Two and A Half Men) -- NO. and I'm not even considering her acting abilities, whatever they may be; I'm merely basing this on the fact that Two and A Half Men is the absolute worst most overrated drivel of a show that has ever been created. I'm actually pained by the fact that most Americans (ugh, as a country we are really NOT the brightest) watch AND LIKE this shit.
If I were Emmy-God, I'd: treat Two and A Half Men like Charlie Sheen did Brooke Mueller, and Holland Taylor would be an unfortunate casualty. I'd flip a coin between Kristin Wiig and Sofia Vergara, and one of them would have to go. Busy Philipps would absolutely get a spot for Cougar Town, because her dumb blonde Laurie is so sweetly clueless and trashy. She's a total scene stealer, and deserves a nom. Futhermore, I'd get Portia de Rossi in there for Better Off Ted, because she was epic and it is a tragedy that we don't get more of Veronica's often unintentional humor. While I'd love to see Jane Krakowski finally recognized for lines such as "do you need a sex tape release? Because I've got a weird one. It's night vision and you can see that his buddy is robbing me!", we all know it's Jane Lynch going home with that Emmy.
Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series --
i. Chris Colfer (Glee) -- yeah, good deal. Although I like him a lot more when he's not crying again about how his dad doesn't love him. HELLO, Mike O'Malley tells you every episode that he loves you! Too overdone, that storyline. However, I'm so pleased to see such a heartfelt portrayal recognized.
ii. Neil Patrick Harris (How I Met Your Mother) -- yeah, solid. His Barney is a total ass most of the time, but we love him anyway. He walks the line between too far and not far enough so well it's as if he was born to do it. Excellent work.
iii. Jesse Tyler Ferguson (Modern Family) -- yeah, sure. I don't have excessively strong feelings one way or the other on this one, but I do find his character enjoyable, so I'll give it to ya. The character and I share the same fear of birds, so we stand together.
iv. Jon Cryer (Two and a Half Men) -- NO. For reasons stated above, absolutely not. no and never. although, it's better than a nom for Charlie Sheen. But still, despicable.
v. Eric Stonestreet (Modern Family) -- yes. He's my favorite character on this show. I think he is absolutely hilarious in every scene (as he steals it, high-o!) Perfect job. He's so sincere and his comedic timing is infallible.
vi. Ty Burrell (Modern Family) -- yeah, he is pretty great. Has a lot of heart. Is so doofy but you have to love it, and him. He's probably my second fave character, and he does a great job of delivering hilarious lines completely straight faced.
If I were Emmy-God, I'd: have canceled Two and A Half Men the day it aired, and therefore Jon Cryer's ill-deserved spot would go to 30 Rock's Jack MacBrayer, because Kenneth is so absurd as a human that you can't help but love the portrayal. Love it. I think this category is really even all around (minus Jon Cryer duh), but I'm going to go with a split between Eric Stonestreet and Ty Burrell for the win.
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