i feel like i am disproportionately bitter on this blog. and i don't love that because in real life, i'm not actually bitter at all. slightly sardonic? absolutely. endearingly quirky? so they tell me. but bitter? notsomuch. (another pressing reason why i feel the need to jump to my own defense is that i have an elaborate daydream where some cupid-esque soul directs MGG to this blog, and if (when!) that were to happen, not only would I want him to know that we are soulmates (we are!!!) but I would die of shame and sadness if he thought I were some sort of beezy with a capital b). the POINT is, in light of the fact that i feel like i'm coming off like katherine heigl by shitting over everything, I just wanted to take the opportunity to address the fact that there are many a thing that i love. and by love, i mean LOVE. i'm actually slightly bipolar in the way i live my life because it's not often that i merely like or dislike something -- i tend to go to extremes (and yet, i hate extremists...). like, i HATE twilight. but i LOVE harry potter. and in between are a few things, but really only stuff like mushrooms, fake pearl necklaces, and the later Narnia books that got all sexist (because i LOVE the rest of the series, too). Sooo, yeah. Strong opinions formed with alacrity, generally for no legitimate reason.

now that i've cleared myself, i am in fact going to take the time to talk about a few things that i have inappropriately strong emotional reactions to in the land of entertainment:

1. the rumored romance of chelsea handler & 50 cent. i DO NOT like this. let me start off by saying, i am a large fan of chelsea handler. like, maybe i want her to be my stepmom and maybe i have (another) elaborate fantasy where she invites MGG on her show and is like, "you know, i've got this amaaazing stepdaughter..." (quick sidenote: I AM SO TORN between my desire for MGG to read this and know we should be lovahs and my desire for him to NEVER KNOW i am a human who writes on a blog). okay, but so yeah. Chelsea. Love her. she is insanely witty and smart and i really like her no-bullshit attitude. I used to be really pretty ambivalent about 50 cent. i mean, i loved "in da club" as much as any 9th grader during it's hey-day, but like...it's 50 cent. who the f cares. So why does this bother me so much?! I honestly don't know. I mean, clearly I have the disillusion running through my head that chels belongs with my father, who is, interestingly enough, not fiddy. Furthermore, it's just like...I feel like if you are going to date a black rapper, you could do a lot better. A lot hotter. Like Usher, who is also recently single I believe. Shit, Beyonce is a black musical artist and I'd definitely do her over half-dollar (but I mean, who wouldn't? It's fucking beyonce. PUN intended). Anyway, I'm really angry about this and Chels just tweeted at me (heh, and 2014458 other people) that ol' 50 cent is going to be on her show tonight. I WANT ANSWERS but really i only want one and that is: we are not penetrating.

2. willow smith and her whipping hair. i'm not going to lie, i like this song. i think it's catchy as the flu in 1918, and her heart hairstyle in the music video is honestly one of the bombest things i've ever seen in my life (second only really to goldie hawn in the flesh), but i just.can't.do.it!! first of all, girl is nine. NINE! my second graders are almost nine, and they are still picking their noses and can't handle sitting still for read-aloud for more than 4 minutes. i feel sad for willow! i feel like she should be out running around like a crazed banshee and not actually being filmed whipping her hair around like a fucking veela! also, i have (some would say unreasonable) hate for the entire pinkett-smith clan because 1. they all have the same name -- will, willow, jada, jaden. shit's conceited! and 2. they are scientologists, and i do NOT get down with that insanity. so i'm having a really hard time with this. whenever the song comes on, i look like i'm having a seizure because as my body obeys the lyrics and attempts to whip around, my mind is screaming "NO! NO! THE SCIENTOLOGISTS ARE TRICKING YOU! SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING IN THE TRACKS LIKE IN JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS!!" which, by the by, is an exquisite movie. certainly tara reid's finest hour, although i don't think it had any competition. oh, except for american pie. and taradise. and obviously my boss's daughter. OKAY SO i really like tara reid and secretly want her to make a huge comeback a la britney 2009 vmas. SUE ME.