i'm exhausted but here are my (completely unedited an probably schitzophrenic) notes from the Emmy red carpet ...


6:01 -- jane lynch looks gorgeous in that plum color! but i cant tell if its LONG or SHORT andddd i need it to be long. pan down, camera!!! also awkward how she has to hunch over a bit because ryan seacrest is a teensy sprite -- AH ITS LONG! she looks great. hahaha funeral jokes, god she's hilarious.

6:03 -- guiliana, shut the FUCK up. you're not a real celeb and no one cares what you are wearing. but i like your damn shoes.

6:05 -- jimmy fallon. asshole better do a good job because i honestly think he is, in fact, not funny. ALSO sarah hyland from modern family looks good, and she's like younger than me, but she looks all glam and shit and that's how i'd hope to look if i ever got an emmy four years ago. also when did jimmy fallon get married? and she is ORANGE, yo. that's some fake tanner gone way bad.

6:13 -- carrie ann inaba is not a celebrity. get her the fuck out of the glam-cam. AND STOP referencing jersey shore. this is about TELEVISION not SHIT

6:17 -- my fellow Oregonian and blazers fanatic TY BURRELL! ahhh he looks so cute and i like his gray suit a lot. SPOTTED: eva longoria. i kind of forgot she existed...

6:18 kelly osbourne - meh. like, what are you doing here? but, she looks reeeeally good for kelly osbourne.

6:19 is that carrie preston? does anyone know who that is other than me? IS THAT HER? ryan seacrest stop talking about kathy griffin and LET ME KNOW who that redhead is! if she is carrie preston, she's ben linus' wife and arlene from true blood, in case you were wondering.

6:25 -- the mayor of LA and joel mchale. The THING IS, i hate community. AND joel mchale. WHEN ARE WE GOING TO SEE REAL CELEBRITIES? I'm really so disappointed in this red carpet coverage, E!

6:26 -- kevin mchale! okay excited about this. always weirds me out that he's not in a wheelchair in real life. ah what a cutie with his glasses! spotted: angela from the office! does she have weird extensions? i like her dress though, it is black. i kneeeew there was gonna be hella black, speaking of it kathy griffin is also wearing it! that dumb E! guy predicted a lot of nudes/beiges but i knew he was wrong. hella black.

6:28 -- emma from glee! CUTE dress, navy blue? dont love the necklace though its very spice girls music video.

6:33 -- mark salling. BOMB but i miss the mohawk! except i think his tie is crooked and someone needs to help him. he's kind of awkward. OH meeting kim kardashian. hahahahaha. kim!! i reeeally dislike that dress, kim. it's not bad, but it's really not great and it gives her a boob shelf and the dress is too flowy and she looks like she could be pregnant, although god help the world if that's true.

6:36 kim and lea meet! cute! lea michele is a kim fan. AND is wearing a lot of bling. and now kim is interviewing her. she looks bomb in her oscar de la renta, but i wish she'd lose the necklace. but i KNEW she was going to go dark. and she still has the bangs. she's just so gleeful in real life so its hard for me to get too down on her.

6:39 -- claire danes. what the fuck was she in? oh right, that made for movie temple grandin about that autistic woman. remember when she was beth in little women? her best role, probably. OH WAIT my so called life obviously was but she wanted to make movies so there is only one season. fucking claire danes.

641 -- sofia vergara wearing gold and looking fantastic. tracy jordan wearing...pale pink? or maybe white but its hard to tell with the red carpet glow going on

642 -- TELL ME THAT IS NOT LAUREN GRAHAM. i literally just slapped my hand to my forehead because that white/black/cruela de ville MESS makes me want to weep. i love lauren graham and i am going to cry now

646 -- sofia vergara is so cute and i love her rolling her rrrrs but i also dont love the weird line thing going down her otherwise flawless dress....someone help her and omg ryan seacrest stop asking every.modern.family actor about ed o'neill

647 -- jon hamm and jenifer whatserface from that lesbian movie -- JON hamm is soo sexy i cant even deal also i hear he may be dancing in the opening number...also is it sacrilege to say i dont love mad men? i like looking at it, but its just kind of....dull.

649 -- ricky and jane gervais damn he has a bomb wife! and he's loosing weight and looks goooood. i wish ricky gervais was hosting. guaranteed this show would be a billion times funnier than whatever jimmy fallon has up his sleeve.

652 -- bryan cranston. three peat? also i really do want to watch his show breaking bad because its about meth and that really intrigues me. oh january jones preview N OKATE GOSSELIN IS AT THE EMMYS OH MY GOD I JUST KEEP SCREAMING NO AT THE TELEVISION!!! what i really wanted to say jan jones looks bad per usual and christina hendricks stick to black that lavender hue isnt great but your boobs are contained i guess....

657 -- ryan murphy, blue sunglasses. false.

659 -- january jones, are you ever NOT a hot mess? is that tina fey i see on deck?!!?! say its so....

700 -- tina fey! LOVE YOU. she looks good even if i think there are hyroglyphics on her dress, whatever i still really like it. and her hair is looking tresemme commercial worthy

702 -- christina hendricks meh i dont hate the color as much as i did at the first glance but its not really as flattering but it must be kind of difficult to dress dem curves. if i were here id go naked

705 -- betty white, though i love her, kind of always dresses like shes sti7ll on golden girls.

708 -- anna paquin and stephen moyer. newlyweds and anna's dress is really fucking awesome and its so weird to see stephen moyer not the color of death. life really becomes him! also is he short? i mean he is taller than ryan seacrest but thats not saying much...but everytime i look at the screen i fall more in more in love with how awesome and avant garde her dress is!

711 -- heidi and seal. power couple. bomb. nothing else to say. heidis dress is insanely short! AH didnt even realize that.

713 -- mindy kaling. prom hair, hey-o! but she's funny and i like her dress. the cut out front is obviously a trend this year.

714 -- MANNY FROM MODERN FAMILY! ahhhh ahahahahahaaaaaaaaaa le mom le sister i am in love avec him. look at his tiny pimp hat! ugh ryan seacrest with matthew morrison. hate him. he looks typically tool-ish. AH NPH!!! LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU. i want to carry your babies in my womb. look at his suit he is so adorable and i want to be best friends with him foreverrrr.

718 -- kyra sedgwick is absolutely stunning. perfect dress. her hair is very jennifer aniston the year she won for friends. also i just rewatched footloose and realized how lucky she is for marrying kevin bacon -- where is he?! is it weird that i was totally attracted to him while watching?

725 -- amy poehler looks bomb for just having had a baby, dayum guuurl. god i love this couple! such cutieheads! ah, their seventh wedding anniversary so cute i might cry hahahahaaaaaa THEY ARE FUNNY.

727 -- julia louis dreyfus i cannot believe that she is still nominated! i forgot that her show still exiseted. well, i guess not anymore. i like her earrings and i can't see that much about her dressss but i like the copper sash now that i know its a copper sash and not a mesh situation which i though it was at first, but now i am backtracking -- is it mesh?! ugh i hope not

729 -- hugh laurie. he is SO DAPPER. is it weird that he is older than my dad and yet i would do him in a hot second?

731 -- steve carell and his wife nancy. i cant even believe that they are continuing the office after he leaves. that's a downward train headed to nowheresville if i've ever seen one. glenn close on the long shot -- would we call that dress olive? i dont know, but we would call it not great.

734 -- juliana margulies...what the f is up with her hair? why does it look all...nesty and frazzled mom?

741 -- ed o'neill. he's such a bean. his wife is pretty and kind of looks like an older sofia vergara so that makes some weird sort of sense, right? also! spotted, elisabeth moss! no wedding band. nude dress with a lot of train business she has to continually deal with. AH! Julie Bowen! such a cutie i actually really love her dress, i love the ruffle but the problem with all of these dress is ARE THEY BLACK OR NAVY BLUE?

743 -- jane krakowski!!!! navy blue again. also she is so adorable and she looks really elegant and i like the shoulder rouching and her shoes HOT DAMN are high!

745 john krasinski!! where is emily blunt?!!?! where is she/! i want them to be a couple and be so cute and i want to squeeze them and i want them to make babies ASAP. why is she down there on the carpet and not up here talking to ryan?! THEY ARE AN UP-AND-COMING POWER COUPLE, TREAT THEM AS SUCH.

746 -- dianna agron, i really am liking her carolina hererra!! oh, michael c. hall! i kind of wish he was still bald (although by choice and not chemo).

748 -- matthew fox, my fellow oregon lover. his wife/mother (which one?! hopefully mom) looks like elvira. i'm so baffled. please be his mom. AH! jenna fischer looks like a cutie, her orange-red dress is nice and its nice to see her not excessively tanned like SO MANY OTHERS on the red carpet.

okay break to get fully prepared for the start of the show

last night, i spent an hour de-corking a bottle of wine. because i wanted to drink it, and i wanted to drink it NOW. and i wasn't trying to share a bottle with my roommate (though she did generously offer) who had a twist-off cap, oh no. i needed the full bottle to myself, because last night was the only night off i'll have for the rest of eternity, and without another chance for debauchery and foolishness on the horizon, i needed to go out with a bang. so i was planning on making the most of it (judging by the fact that i woke up this morning with my sandals still on and my phone in my hand, mid-text (to a bff thank the LORD i wasn't doing any drunk sexting. nothing more embarrassing than waking up to that discovery), i'd say i succeeded). but, our cork screwer happened to be mysteriously missing. i shelby woo'd (anyone? anyone?) around the kitchen for a while, checking all the nooks and crannies, and growing exponentially more frustrated and more in need of the golden liquid that was so close and so far from my reach. so zANYWAYS, i finally give up in utter despair and am seriously contemplating slamming the neck of the bottle against the counter with a bucket underneath to catch that juicy nectar (um...unintentionally sounding like an erotic story and not hating it...uncomfortable). but then, i spotted this long, two-pronged gadget that i think may or may not be used for checking meat tenderness (erotic story alert, hi-yo!), and i had an idea. my resolve was set right then and there -- i was going to macguyver that bottle open if it killed me (which it almost did).

so i grab the two-pronger and i start chipping away at that shit like perez hilton on lindsay lohan. tiny bits of cork are flying this way and that. it's hard to really get more than slivers out at a time, but i'm not deterred. if anything, i'm insanely proud of my ingenuity. i finally get a few big (relative term) chunks out, and i'm digging around in there like one of my second graders in their nose. my roommate is watching with a unique combination of awe and disgust. i'm so dedicated to my craft (my craft obviously being alcoholism) that i don't even notice that i'm bleeding a little from an overeager prong-incident. (once i notice, of course, i spend five minutes thinking i'm going to develop rabies and die a very Dr. Quinn-esque death, have vivid images of foaming mouths flash through my mind, then get over it and band-aid my pinky. crisis averted).

so i'm working it for a good while when i start to think that i may have underestimated just how much cork is in there. because i've got a good little pile of woodchips beside me, and no wine to show for my efforts yet. i place my instruments down and regard my sly opponent for a red hot moment. and then, lightening strikes in the same place twice and my brain explodes with a Great Idea. the prongs are having difficulty reaching the remaining mangled cork, so i race my way into my room, pick up my scissors, and walk slowly back into the kitchen because one time i was seven and running with scissors despite my dad's frequent warnings otherwise, and i murdered the stuffed animal that was in my other hands. bloodbath. soooo, yeah.

i'm stabbing the scissors into the cork and am trying to keep my distance because i don't want the wine to explode into my face, but the teensy bit of cork that's a stubborn little bitch isn't moving, so i lean closer to get a better grip and inspect the situation. obviously, i wasn't thinking of the golden rule that every sitcom in existence has taught me -- as soon as you lean forward to get a closer look at something, it blows up in your face. LITERALLY. a straight shot of white wine to my eye. i was blinded both with pride and pain. SHIT that hurt! and, i had to re-do my eye make up. total lose/lose except it was an INSANE WIN because i could start drinking to medicate the pain immediately and also get adequately sloppy for the night. and, sir, i did. success was mine, and success was wine (pun alert), and it tasted sweet (and a little corky).

alright, listen. i have an unhealthy dedication to maintaining this blog because i've already failed like, thrice before. and even though i'm lazy, i generally dislike failing. but, shit's getting rough. i have class every day, and by the time i get home my brain only functions at a level that allows me to watch Lifetime movies and shove string cheese into my mouth with something a little less than precision. So, sorry 'bout it all (one) of you, but prepare for a wholly uninspired post. if i had more time, it still probably wouldn't even be better. as it is, i'm technically supposed to be creating lesson plans that will shock and awe my second-graders into understanding the concept of borrowing. and i am. i am also, however, technically drinking wine by myself and watching pride and prejudice on E! details, schmetails.

henceforth; Why Three of Matthew Gray Gubler's Recent "Tweets"* Show Our Pre-Destined Destiny

*sidenote: I hate the word "tweets". It makes me feel annoyingly social-network-y, and it sounds too close to twat. which is my least favorite word for girl parts, ever. so i'm just going to go with, "twitter-post", which, though longer, makes me hate myself less.

TWITTER-POST ONE: "Who was your favorite Cosby kid? I can't decide. I think maybe Denise...or Olivia...or Theo...dang"

okay, so pretty regular, right? I mean, who doesn't love the Cosby Show? Even if to this day I still don't understand WHY it was called the Cosby Show when it was about the Huxtables -- right? Like what kind of mind-fuckery is that? Just so we'd remember you were the star, Bill? Whatever. The POINT is, The Cosby Show was my go-to daytime television entertainment whenever I was sick at home (which happened rarely, as my mom believed that it didn't matter how shitty you may have felt, if you weren't vomiting continuously you were a-ok to go). And, during these long, delirium-filled days, I would endlessly debate who I liked best. Obviously I always thought of Denise first (AS DID MGG!) because she was Lisa Bonet and she was pretty and trendy and did what she wanted. But then I'd be like, oooh Olivia! Because I'd have weird fantasies that I was Raven and could play Olivia and be super cute all the time and make everyone laugh just by flashing my (invisible) dimples. Obviously, my fantasy world was one in which skin color set no boundaries (rightly so!). But yeah, so I loved Olivia, and wanted to be her. But then there's Theo, who I had such a soft spot for when a particularly bad flu had mr crying as he dealt with his dyslexia. SO, proof #1 -- MGG and I both like the Cosby Show, andddd we both play fair and can't pick favorites.
(I'm fully aware that this is a stretch at best, but three reasons why we're soulmates sounded better as two and I really wanted to express outrage over the title vs. the actual family name)

TWITTER-POST TWO: "I never met a tree I didn't like"

Um, HELLO! Where did I spent my most formative years, ages 12- 14? Oh thats right, a little school that happened to be called the ENVIRONMENTAL middle school. Trees were our GODS. I'm actually not lying when I say that I have chained myself to a tree before in protest of logging. Nor am I fibbing when I say that I can in fact identify every single tree that is native to the Pacific Northwest -- it was actually a required test to graduate 8th grade (seriously). I am a tree-hugger through and through. I am continually on the search for a man who will not think it weird when I recount stories of middle schoolers standing hand-in-hand in the woods singing Cat Stevens and crying because we had to leave this wonderful school that required us to dress up as trees (made out of recycled material, obvi) for the Earth Day parade and march throughout the streets of Portland in 32 degree weather and pouring rain. Have I finally found such a man?! If so, I'm obviously never letting him leave. Although, he might have to up his game to "I never met a tree I didn't love", because my fervor has certainly passed "like" on the adoration spectrum. Trees and I, we're for life. I can't even read The Giving Tree without breaking down into sobs because trees are my people, man!

TWITTER-POST THREE: "Looking at the worlds largest assemblage of mummies. Best day ever"

it is no secret that i LOVE bones and mummies and weird things like that. when I interned at the British Museum, I got to go on a behind-the-scenes tour of the mummies in storage and see all the face masks and wrappings and pickled cats and the girl I was on the tour with was a stupid bz and kept complaining about the "gross-ness" and i almost shook her by her dumb shoulders, because WHAT could be cooler than something that is a REAL LIVE PERSON who was REALLY ALIVE but now could crack into dust if you aren't careful?! And the Egyptians were so genius and their sarcophagi (right? what the f is the plural of sarcophaguses?) are totally amazeballs and so detailed and mainly I'm just enthralled by how crazy old these fuckers are. I passed this love along to my Museum boss' four year old daughter, Ruby, who I watched many a time. We'd trek up to the mummies and she'd exclaim in her adorable British accent that made me want to steal her, "aren't they scary and amazing?" and she'd giggle and we'd talk about which mummy was the prettiest when they were alive.

So, there you have it. Three semi-ridiculous but vehemently argued reasons why matthew gray gubler and i are perfect for each other. also, three prime examples of why, if I were matthew gray gubler, i'd be terrified of me.

so yesterday marked a momentous occasion in my life -- my first peer wedding. i may or may not have mentioned before that in fact some of my fellow 22 year olds had decided they'd had enough of youth and frivolity and decided to tie the knot and commit to monotony (a decision i obviously can't get on board with). zANYWAYS, after a hasty trip to bed bath and beyond to pick up a saucepan, wedding time had arrived. luckily, a few close friends had also been invited so we could deal with (and judge) the whole situation together, which worked out quite well.

let me just say this -- the bride and the groom are nice people. they're really in love. they've been together since our freshman year of high school, which was in fact like 8 years ago, and just writing that made me excessively depressed because WHERE HAS MY YOUTH GONE? it's all downhill from here. so anyway, i guess i can't shit on them toooo much for this whole marriage debacle. though i still do find it both ridiculous and terrifying. probably why they got married and i am insanely single (just waiting for you, MGG). the ceremony itself was short and sweet, and for a minute there i even forgot about how much i hated the precedent that this wedding was setting, and just basked in the feelings of love and happiness that were floating around.

there were, however, a few things working against me.

number one -- my dear friend karly. i adore karly more than most things, but subtlety and discretion are hardly her strong points. because of these personality deficiencies, karly caused me to choke on my water and have it pour out my nostrils. i've never actually experienced said feeling before; it was not pleasant. it was also uncomfortable because it's was right after the processional music started and the bride's decrepit grandmother was walking down the aisle. hopefully that poor hunchbacked woman didn't think i was laughing at her -- i most assuredly was not. rather, i was laughing at karly's observation that only at a 22 year old's wedding in northeast portland would a tie-dye muumuu with a matching scrunchie and bare feet on a heavily tattoo'd Olsen twin lookalike be not only acceptable, but cause no one to bat an eyelash. the accuracy of the observation combined with the inspiring visual was not a recipe for swallowing success.

number two -- it was the hottest day of the summer so far yesterday. the hottest part of the day in portland is usually around five o'clock; coincidentally the starting time of this particular wedding. by the time we arrived, it was 98 degrees and not a breeze in sight. this spurned quite a few dilemmas (by the way, i ALways assumed that that dilemma was spelled dilemna, because i think it looks more right. i just learned that this was not true, like, last week). the first dilemma was how to actively not sweat through one's dress while simultaneously avoiding scalding one's bare legs on the hot metal chair/making direct girl-parts to chair contact (i mean, through underwear...i think it's an unwritten rule that you have to wear underwear at a wedding, and, to clarify, i did). eventually, burning the flesh off my legs won out as i realized at least no one would be able to see a huge wet spot on the back of my dress where my ass sweat had pooled. a similar dilemma reared it's ugly head when, during the reception, it became necessary to leave the table at times to congratulate the bride/groom, get food, get more food, get booze, etc. however, my chair was completely saturated with sweat, so every time i got up a nice film of moisture was visible for all to see. now i realize every other person was having a similar problem, but sometimes i surprise myself and decide to strive for ladylike-ness, so it was all very difficult and annoying.

number three -- the best man happened to be my prom date. i haven't really spoken to my prom date since, well, prom. mainly because the night ended for us when ONE of us (i won't name names, but please i am classier than this shit) started to vomit. which would be understandable, since we got totally shitfaced post-prom, except we were both in various states of undress and i was looking to get some. LUCKILY our mouths had detached prior to the spectacular flood of puke that was unleashed. UNLUCKILY it still happened and i still saw it. and all that would have been good and fine and a hilarious high school story, except we had to confront each other as normal human beings yesterday and it was not easy for me. i was torn between a desire to laugh in his face and vomit in it for retribution. sadly, but probably for the best, i did neither.

number four -- i was just minding my business, sitting quietly post nasal slip-n-slide when the girl behind me tapped me on the shoulder and asked, "remember me? i think we had spanish together in high school!" by the sheer grace of the all-knowing universe, i was somehow able to pull her name out of my ass and say it like i had known it all along. the rest of the conversation followed, literally, exactly as detailed below:

ME: OMG, A! How are you?! [fake excitement out the wazoo]
A: I'm good. I got married right after I graduated. This is my daughter. She's three.
ME: [kind of bewildered and feeling mayhaps like this is gonna get awk] Oh! She's cute! What's her name?
A: Rayden. It was the only name me and her dad both liked. We're separated now, though.
ME: [thinking to myself, OH fucking lord really?!] Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I like your dress, Rayden!
A: We lived in Japan for two years. Her dad is in the military. I hated it there. I'm glad to be back. My mom's glad, too [points to woman next to Rayden]
ME: Oh, hklsdjdsokfdlsjks. WELP! It's 100 degrees so I'm gonna go get some water, but great seeing you! [mad dash out before i die of laughter/disbelief].

OKAY, first of all -- i don't really actually know this girl. the fact that i remembered her name is both shocking and kind of weird. i'm kind of weirded out at myself. ALSO stop spewing uncomfortable life facts at me, bitch! It was also really just kind of sketch because her voice was super monotone the entire time and she was either super hopped up on anti-depressants (not that I'd blame her, apparently shit's rough), or she's a robot. The latter makes me feel like less of a jackass for judging her, so I hope that's the case.

Verdict: Still think it's ridiculous for 22 year olds to get married, though I can grudgingly admit that it was a very touching event to witness. But I still can't really take them seriously as human beings. Eh, can't win them all.

okay, i had a long post planned and half-way written out about the Teen Choice Awards, but I was so bitter and disappointed in the youth of america that i just couldn't do it. so, on a more lighthearted note -- the top five friend groups i'd like to infiltrate:

* sidenote: i think it goes without saying that the actual #1 group of friends i want to (and WILL) infiltrate is that of joseph gordon levitt and my future husband, the deliciously gawky matthew gray gubler. but i didn't want to include on them on there because my interest in them/him isn't strictly platonic. or platonic in the least, since i plan to sex up mgg at the first possible opportunity. welllll...maybe at the second possible opportunity, i don't want to be sluttay.

OKAY BUT REALLY:


5. Zooey & Emily Deschanel



Oh my GAWD yes. Because Zooey D. makes everything shine a little brighter, even the vomit-inducing monstrosity that was Yes Man. Remember her 4 episode arc on Weeds?? If that wasn't comedic genius, I'm not sure what is. Plus, have you seeeen her closet in that Cotton commercial? Tell me that's not one you'd like to raid. And then there's big sis, Tempy Bren. I mean, I know her character doesn't understand pop culture or basic human emotions, but she definitely does. And she's gotten to make out with David Boreanaz (WITH DB's wife's approval, a rarity in this world), and I wanna know what that's like, if at least second-hand. And we could talk about being cool and vegetarian. AND both sisters can sing, so I foresee a lot of fun karaoke nights where we dress up in cool indie Deschanel clothes. (Also -- Zooey D. was in 500 days of summer w/ matthew gray gubler soooo....HOOK IT UP, bz!)


4. The Cast of One Tree Hill (ugh, yeah -- judge away).



Because how fun do all their parties look? Such carefree delight! Well, except for that time the Brooke/Nathan sex tape emerged and everyone rioted and it was right before prom and Peyton's attack...okay, but seriously! That lack of parental supervision and surplus of hot, basketball playing men is really just a recipe for a kick ass youth (if not a pregnancy scare here and there). And, if I were friends with Haley & P. Sawyer, I would meet a lot of musicians (but hopefully cooler ones than lame-o Pete Wentz),if I were friends with Brooke I would get a lot of trendy free clothes, if I were friends with Nathan I'd meet a lot of pro ballers, and Lucas -- well, he always lends a shoulder to cry on and can find a literary quote for an occasion. Also, it appears as though a residence in Tree Hill means you have access to sex whenever you want it, which is always something I can get on top of (literally, zing!). Yeah, there's a lot of dramatic events like kidnapping and car accidents and shootings, but really what is drama other than the spice of life? Tree Hill here I come.


3. Barack Obama & Rahm Emanuel



Because they look like such fun loving guys, it's hard not to believe that what we don't see in the Oval Office plays out pretty much like any episode of West Wing - global issues being solved with sharp wit, inter-office romances, Kristin Chenowith, inspirational staffer speeches, and an odd appearance of the Jackal. I mean, what else could they be doing back there? But they are so cool because they like, literally LEAD the country! That's tough shit! They have to deal with the Middle East war, homeland security threats, and Evangelicals - a true trio of terror, and yet they never lose their cool. Also, they look so handsome, much cooler than Hil would have looked in her pastel pantsuits. And I just envision a lot of intellectual conversations interspersed with wit while we all stroll along the White House grounds, and they both look at me so admiringly when I offer practical solutions to real world problems.


2. Tina Fey & Amy Poehler



Because Tina is always my number 1 celebrity girl crush (though I am really loving on Busy Philipps lately). Because she's the greatest, and her bff Amy therefore must also be great, based on the law of transference. The two of them have give us amazing comedy over the years - Mean Girls is practically the Citizen Kane of this century, and that SNL Election 2008 stuff? Turning something as terrifying as Sarah Palin into laughter takes some serious gumption. ALSO BABY MAMA. Shit's gooood.They're funny girls, yes, but they are also politically savvy, and have great writing skills. Funny with brains? Is there a rarer combination to find in this world (with the exception of an Asian Jew -- kidding, I can say that because I once loved an Asian Jew)?? Talk about having it all! Furthermore, being friends with Tina & Amy would give me access to adorable and well-named children, as they have three between them. What more could a girl ask for?


1. I mean, who else?



Because we're already old friends. Have been since 1994 when I was the ripe old age of 6. Truth be told, I infiltrated this group like a billion years ago, presumably wearing some floral patterned stirrup pants. Back when Courteney was Arquette-less, and Joey had VD. Because I already know everything about them. I know their memories and their stories and I know who has slept with whom (sometimes it's whom!). I was there when that pimp spit in Phoebe's mouth, when that girl stuffed her pants with a tootsie roll to look like the rumored hermaphrodite Rachel, when the pool boy/father fucker asked Chandler if he wanted more turkey. I've been to a lot of Ross' weddings, even more of his divorce parties. Because when you get these six together, it's the absolute best of times. It's better than being at Disneyland at Christmastime on Prozac (bonus points for the reference!). Because secrets come flying out, sarcastic comments are plentiful, and you're always laughing at someone's expense but knowing you all love each other. There is nothing funnier than learning your friend made out with a 51 year old librarian in high school. NOTHING funnier than learning about a nubbin. Nothing greater than getting married at the cafe where the six of you have been drinking out of jumbo cups for over a decade. Once, I wrote an embarrassing letter to Jennifer Aniston about how I wanted to job shadow her for a school assignment, and bitch never wrote me back but I still harbor the most intense love for this show, and frequently my day dreams take me to the corner of Bedford & Grove.

something truly horrendous happened to me this week. like, i'm still reeling from the (unintentional, i'll give the pimple-faced tween that) stab in the heart i received this past tuesday -- a day that started, innocently enough, at OMSI.

stuart (aged six) and i had gone to OMSI on monday as well, because after our seven-hundredth game of uno, i was desperate for a change and knew that once i said "dinosaur bones" and "earthquake house", he'd be putty in my hands. in fact, i was correct-o-mundo. i was so correct that not only did we spend five hours there on monday, we had to go back for a SEVEN hour round two on tuesday. luckily, stuart discovered the computer lab and never wanted to leave, so i basically created another slave to technology while i sat on my ass and read and ate my skittles without stuart whining incessantly for me to share (though, of course, i always make him give me some of his ice cream. fair schmair). zANYWAYS, i digress. we're walking through the big exhibit hall and a skinny teenaged-ish volunteer calls out to us to ask if we want to do an experiment. obviously, stuart runs over with the speed of a cheetah -- not surprising since he's still wearing the safety goggles from the light display we visited four hours prior. then the dumb volunteer turns to me and says, "this is actually a two person experiment, so you can do it with your son."

...and then i was speechless. which is really not a trait that comes easily to me. like, REALLY? you REALLY think i'm this six-year-old's mom?! that's REALLY what your brain came up with?! aside from completely heartbreaking for yours truly, this is a shockingly unbelievable assumption for a variety of reasons:
1. people always assume i'm 12. literally. more than once a flight attendant has asked me to move from the emergency exit row because you have to be 15 to save people in the event of a crash.
2. once people find out i'm not 12, they then proceed to ask which high school i currently attend.
3. i get ID'd every time i order an alcoholic beverage anywhere in the world.

ALSO, even if i DID look my age (a very respectable 22, thank you very much), it's still kind of ridiculous to assume i gave birth to a human at age 16. the only things i was birthing at age 16 were ill-advised sneak out routes and my first real hangovers. i mean, sometimes when i'm only with susannah (stuart's one year old sister), people will assume i'm her mother (which is still weird to me, because wouldn't you always assume nanny?!!?!), but i usually let it slide because theoretically it's much less ridiculous and certainly more plausible that i could have had a child at 21. i mean, clearly that would have interrupted my very busy schedule last year of binge drinking and experimenting with baking...herbs...into various delicacies, but it could have happened. like, it's not completely insane to assume that i have a one year old if you've never met me.

i'm also insulted because i do NOT look like a mom. the most frequent type of mom at OMSI is completely frazzled, wouldn't know a hair product if it slapped her in the face, and last bought make-up sometime before y2k. and i'm not judging! shit, i know i'll be there someday (and i weep), but that day is NOT today. or tuesday. i was wearing short short jean shorts, you could see my bra straps, and my hair was all straightened (...okay, in retrospect, i'd like to add -- i did not look like a hooker. contrary to the visual i've just created, i was only typically trendy-slutty).

so basically, i just stood and my mouth moved open and shut a few times trying to figure out if i should say something or if what had just happened was real. and the kid didn't notice that i was in apparent shock and agony. agony because GOD do i look old?! or like i've gone through pregnancy and childbirth?! gahhh. but most of all, do i in ANY way give off the impression that i am mature, responsible, or adult enough for the full-time responsibility of any living thing?! shit, half the time i can't even remember to go to the doctor's appointments my mom still schedules for me. i can't even take care of myself!

so thanks, stupid OMSI volunteer douche-bag. you've sent me into a spiral of despair as i attempt to figure out what it is about me that gives off either the "i'm old enough to have a six-year-old-and-it's-not-weird" vibe or the "yeah-i'm-too-young-to-have-a-six-year-old-but,-welp!-i do" vibe. let me tell you -- both fucking suck.