so yesterday marked a momentous occasion in my life -- my first peer wedding. i may or may not have mentioned before that in fact some of my fellow 22 year olds had decided they'd had enough of youth and frivolity and decided to tie the knot and commit to monotony (a decision i obviously can't get on board with). zANYWAYS, after a hasty trip to bed bath and beyond to pick up a saucepan, wedding time had arrived. luckily, a few close friends had also been invited so we could deal with (and judge) the whole situation together, which worked out quite well.

let me just say this -- the bride and the groom are nice people. they're really in love. they've been together since our freshman year of high school, which was in fact like 8 years ago, and just writing that made me excessively depressed because WHERE HAS MY YOUTH GONE? it's all downhill from here. so anyway, i guess i can't shit on them toooo much for this whole marriage debacle. though i still do find it both ridiculous and terrifying. probably why they got married and i am insanely single (just waiting for you, MGG). the ceremony itself was short and sweet, and for a minute there i even forgot about how much i hated the precedent that this wedding was setting, and just basked in the feelings of love and happiness that were floating around.

there were, however, a few things working against me.

number one -- my dear friend karly. i adore karly more than most things, but subtlety and discretion are hardly her strong points. because of these personality deficiencies, karly caused me to choke on my water and have it pour out my nostrils. i've never actually experienced said feeling before; it was not pleasant. it was also uncomfortable because it's was right after the processional music started and the bride's decrepit grandmother was walking down the aisle. hopefully that poor hunchbacked woman didn't think i was laughing at her -- i most assuredly was not. rather, i was laughing at karly's observation that only at a 22 year old's wedding in northeast portland would a tie-dye muumuu with a matching scrunchie and bare feet on a heavily tattoo'd Olsen twin lookalike be not only acceptable, but cause no one to bat an eyelash. the accuracy of the observation combined with the inspiring visual was not a recipe for swallowing success.

number two -- it was the hottest day of the summer so far yesterday. the hottest part of the day in portland is usually around five o'clock; coincidentally the starting time of this particular wedding. by the time we arrived, it was 98 degrees and not a breeze in sight. this spurned quite a few dilemmas (by the way, i ALways assumed that that dilemma was spelled dilemna, because i think it looks more right. i just learned that this was not true, like, last week). the first dilemma was how to actively not sweat through one's dress while simultaneously avoiding scalding one's bare legs on the hot metal chair/making direct girl-parts to chair contact (i mean, through underwear...i think it's an unwritten rule that you have to wear underwear at a wedding, and, to clarify, i did). eventually, burning the flesh off my legs won out as i realized at least no one would be able to see a huge wet spot on the back of my dress where my ass sweat had pooled. a similar dilemma reared it's ugly head when, during the reception, it became necessary to leave the table at times to congratulate the bride/groom, get food, get more food, get booze, etc. however, my chair was completely saturated with sweat, so every time i got up a nice film of moisture was visible for all to see. now i realize every other person was having a similar problem, but sometimes i surprise myself and decide to strive for ladylike-ness, so it was all very difficult and annoying.

number three -- the best man happened to be my prom date. i haven't really spoken to my prom date since, well, prom. mainly because the night ended for us when ONE of us (i won't name names, but please i am classier than this shit) started to vomit. which would be understandable, since we got totally shitfaced post-prom, except we were both in various states of undress and i was looking to get some. LUCKILY our mouths had detached prior to the spectacular flood of puke that was unleashed. UNLUCKILY it still happened and i still saw it. and all that would have been good and fine and a hilarious high school story, except we had to confront each other as normal human beings yesterday and it was not easy for me. i was torn between a desire to laugh in his face and vomit in it for retribution. sadly, but probably for the best, i did neither.

number four -- i was just minding my business, sitting quietly post nasal slip-n-slide when the girl behind me tapped me on the shoulder and asked, "remember me? i think we had spanish together in high school!" by the sheer grace of the all-knowing universe, i was somehow able to pull her name out of my ass and say it like i had known it all along. the rest of the conversation followed, literally, exactly as detailed below:

ME: OMG, A! How are you?! [fake excitement out the wazoo]
A: I'm good. I got married right after I graduated. This is my daughter. She's three.
ME: [kind of bewildered and feeling mayhaps like this is gonna get awk] Oh! She's cute! What's her name?
A: Rayden. It was the only name me and her dad both liked. We're separated now, though.
ME: [thinking to myself, OH fucking lord really?!] Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I like your dress, Rayden!
A: We lived in Japan for two years. Her dad is in the military. I hated it there. I'm glad to be back. My mom's glad, too [points to woman next to Rayden]
ME: Oh, hklsdjdsokfdlsjks. WELP! It's 100 degrees so I'm gonna go get some water, but great seeing you! [mad dash out before i die of laughter/disbelief].

OKAY, first of all -- i don't really actually know this girl. the fact that i remembered her name is both shocking and kind of weird. i'm kind of weirded out at myself. ALSO stop spewing uncomfortable life facts at me, bitch! It was also really just kind of sketch because her voice was super monotone the entire time and she was either super hopped up on anti-depressants (not that I'd blame her, apparently shit's rough), or she's a robot. The latter makes me feel like less of a jackass for judging her, so I hope that's the case.

Verdict: Still think it's ridiculous for 22 year olds to get married, though I can grudgingly admit that it was a very touching event to witness. But I still can't really take them seriously as human beings. Eh, can't win them all.