something truly horrendous happened to me this week. like, i'm still reeling from the (unintentional, i'll give the pimple-faced tween that) stab in the heart i received this past tuesday -- a day that started, innocently enough, at OMSI.

stuart (aged six) and i had gone to OMSI on monday as well, because after our seven-hundredth game of uno, i was desperate for a change and knew that once i said "dinosaur bones" and "earthquake house", he'd be putty in my hands. in fact, i was correct-o-mundo. i was so correct that not only did we spend five hours there on monday, we had to go back for a SEVEN hour round two on tuesday. luckily, stuart discovered the computer lab and never wanted to leave, so i basically created another slave to technology while i sat on my ass and read and ate my skittles without stuart whining incessantly for me to share (though, of course, i always make him give me some of his ice cream. fair schmair). zANYWAYS, i digress. we're walking through the big exhibit hall and a skinny teenaged-ish volunteer calls out to us to ask if we want to do an experiment. obviously, stuart runs over with the speed of a cheetah -- not surprising since he's still wearing the safety goggles from the light display we visited four hours prior. then the dumb volunteer turns to me and says, "this is actually a two person experiment, so you can do it with your son."

...and then i was speechless. which is really not a trait that comes easily to me. like, REALLY? you REALLY think i'm this six-year-old's mom?! that's REALLY what your brain came up with?! aside from completely heartbreaking for yours truly, this is a shockingly unbelievable assumption for a variety of reasons:
1. people always assume i'm 12. literally. more than once a flight attendant has asked me to move from the emergency exit row because you have to be 15 to save people in the event of a crash.
2. once people find out i'm not 12, they then proceed to ask which high school i currently attend.
3. i get ID'd every time i order an alcoholic beverage anywhere in the world.

ALSO, even if i DID look my age (a very respectable 22, thank you very much), it's still kind of ridiculous to assume i gave birth to a human at age 16. the only things i was birthing at age 16 were ill-advised sneak out routes and my first real hangovers. i mean, sometimes when i'm only with susannah (stuart's one year old sister), people will assume i'm her mother (which is still weird to me, because wouldn't you always assume nanny?!!?!), but i usually let it slide because theoretically it's much less ridiculous and certainly more plausible that i could have had a child at 21. i mean, clearly that would have interrupted my very busy schedule last year of binge drinking and experimenting with baking...herbs...into various delicacies, but it could have happened. like, it's not completely insane to assume that i have a one year old if you've never met me.

i'm also insulted because i do NOT look like a mom. the most frequent type of mom at OMSI is completely frazzled, wouldn't know a hair product if it slapped her in the face, and last bought make-up sometime before y2k. and i'm not judging! shit, i know i'll be there someday (and i weep), but that day is NOT today. or tuesday. i was wearing short short jean shorts, you could see my bra straps, and my hair was all straightened (...okay, in retrospect, i'd like to add -- i did not look like a hooker. contrary to the visual i've just created, i was only typically trendy-slutty).

so basically, i just stood and my mouth moved open and shut a few times trying to figure out if i should say something or if what had just happened was real. and the kid didn't notice that i was in apparent shock and agony. agony because GOD do i look old?! or like i've gone through pregnancy and childbirth?! gahhh. but most of all, do i in ANY way give off the impression that i am mature, responsible, or adult enough for the full-time responsibility of any living thing?! shit, half the time i can't even remember to go to the doctor's appointments my mom still schedules for me. i can't even take care of myself!

so thanks, stupid OMSI volunteer douche-bag. you've sent me into a spiral of despair as i attempt to figure out what it is about me that gives off either the "i'm old enough to have a six-year-old-and-it's-not-weird" vibe or the "yeah-i'm-too-young-to-have-a-six-year-old-but,-welp!-i do" vibe. let me tell you -- both fucking suck.