okay, i had a long post planned and half-way written out about the Teen Choice Awards, but I was so bitter and disappointed in the youth of america that i just couldn't do it. so, on a more lighthearted note -- the top five friend groups i'd like to infiltrate:

* sidenote: i think it goes without saying that the actual #1 group of friends i want to (and WILL) infiltrate is that of joseph gordon levitt and my future husband, the deliciously gawky matthew gray gubler. but i didn't want to include on them on there because my interest in them/him isn't strictly platonic. or platonic in the least, since i plan to sex up mgg at the first possible opportunity. welllll...maybe at the second possible opportunity, i don't want to be sluttay.

OKAY BUT REALLY:


5. Zooey & Emily Deschanel



Oh my GAWD yes. Because Zooey D. makes everything shine a little brighter, even the vomit-inducing monstrosity that was Yes Man. Remember her 4 episode arc on Weeds?? If that wasn't comedic genius, I'm not sure what is. Plus, have you seeeen her closet in that Cotton commercial? Tell me that's not one you'd like to raid. And then there's big sis, Tempy Bren. I mean, I know her character doesn't understand pop culture or basic human emotions, but she definitely does. And she's gotten to make out with David Boreanaz (WITH DB's wife's approval, a rarity in this world), and I wanna know what that's like, if at least second-hand. And we could talk about being cool and vegetarian. AND both sisters can sing, so I foresee a lot of fun karaoke nights where we dress up in cool indie Deschanel clothes. (Also -- Zooey D. was in 500 days of summer w/ matthew gray gubler soooo....HOOK IT UP, bz!)


4. The Cast of One Tree Hill (ugh, yeah -- judge away).



Because how fun do all their parties look? Such carefree delight! Well, except for that time the Brooke/Nathan sex tape emerged and everyone rioted and it was right before prom and Peyton's attack...okay, but seriously! That lack of parental supervision and surplus of hot, basketball playing men is really just a recipe for a kick ass youth (if not a pregnancy scare here and there). And, if I were friends with Haley & P. Sawyer, I would meet a lot of musicians (but hopefully cooler ones than lame-o Pete Wentz),if I were friends with Brooke I would get a lot of trendy free clothes, if I were friends with Nathan I'd meet a lot of pro ballers, and Lucas -- well, he always lends a shoulder to cry on and can find a literary quote for an occasion. Also, it appears as though a residence in Tree Hill means you have access to sex whenever you want it, which is always something I can get on top of (literally, zing!). Yeah, there's a lot of dramatic events like kidnapping and car accidents and shootings, but really what is drama other than the spice of life? Tree Hill here I come.


3. Barack Obama & Rahm Emanuel



Because they look like such fun loving guys, it's hard not to believe that what we don't see in the Oval Office plays out pretty much like any episode of West Wing - global issues being solved with sharp wit, inter-office romances, Kristin Chenowith, inspirational staffer speeches, and an odd appearance of the Jackal. I mean, what else could they be doing back there? But they are so cool because they like, literally LEAD the country! That's tough shit! They have to deal with the Middle East war, homeland security threats, and Evangelicals - a true trio of terror, and yet they never lose their cool. Also, they look so handsome, much cooler than Hil would have looked in her pastel pantsuits. And I just envision a lot of intellectual conversations interspersed with wit while we all stroll along the White House grounds, and they both look at me so admiringly when I offer practical solutions to real world problems.


2. Tina Fey & Amy Poehler



Because Tina is always my number 1 celebrity girl crush (though I am really loving on Busy Philipps lately). Because she's the greatest, and her bff Amy therefore must also be great, based on the law of transference. The two of them have give us amazing comedy over the years - Mean Girls is practically the Citizen Kane of this century, and that SNL Election 2008 stuff? Turning something as terrifying as Sarah Palin into laughter takes some serious gumption. ALSO BABY MAMA. Shit's gooood.They're funny girls, yes, but they are also politically savvy, and have great writing skills. Funny with brains? Is there a rarer combination to find in this world (with the exception of an Asian Jew -- kidding, I can say that because I once loved an Asian Jew)?? Talk about having it all! Furthermore, being friends with Tina & Amy would give me access to adorable and well-named children, as they have three between them. What more could a girl ask for?


1. I mean, who else?



Because we're already old friends. Have been since 1994 when I was the ripe old age of 6. Truth be told, I infiltrated this group like a billion years ago, presumably wearing some floral patterned stirrup pants. Back when Courteney was Arquette-less, and Joey had VD. Because I already know everything about them. I know their memories and their stories and I know who has slept with whom (sometimes it's whom!). I was there when that pimp spit in Phoebe's mouth, when that girl stuffed her pants with a tootsie roll to look like the rumored hermaphrodite Rachel, when the pool boy/father fucker asked Chandler if he wanted more turkey. I've been to a lot of Ross' weddings, even more of his divorce parties. Because when you get these six together, it's the absolute best of times. It's better than being at Disneyland at Christmastime on Prozac (bonus points for the reference!). Because secrets come flying out, sarcastic comments are plentiful, and you're always laughing at someone's expense but knowing you all love each other. There is nothing funnier than learning your friend made out with a 51 year old librarian in high school. NOTHING funnier than learning about a nubbin. Nothing greater than getting married at the cafe where the six of you have been drinking out of jumbo cups for over a decade. Once, I wrote an embarrassing letter to Jennifer Aniston about how I wanted to job shadow her for a school assignment, and bitch never wrote me back but I still harbor the most intense love for this show, and frequently my day dreams take me to the corner of Bedford & Grove.