something exciting has happened in the world of television lately, and i'm sure you know exactly what i'm talking about. yep, of course -- tlc's new genius series SISTER WIVES. there are a few reasons why i'm peeing my pants in glee over this programming gem. 1. it's like a real life big love and who could resist a chance to get your polyg on without having to deal with chloe sevingy and her bullshit? 2. i love me some weird family viewing, like the duggars or the late great jon + kate plus 8. 3. weirdly religious people intrigue me, similarly to the way a moth is drawn to a deadly flame. OKAY so obviously i was SO pumped for this brilliant new show, and even stayed up past my bedtime of 10pm to watch the premiere last sunday night. my roommates and i were ready. we had popcorn, we had cozy blankets, and we had more than enough judgement ready to be whipped out.

and then we watched. and it presented the oldest dilemma of all (i'm looking at you, tyra banks) -- is the premise/concept of the show entertaining/ridiculous enough to account for how absolutely irritating/retarded the people in it can be? i have a few problems with sister wives:

1. the dad, kody. IS A HUGE DOUCHE-TOOL. first of all, he spells his name with a k. automatic eye roll from me. then he was just all weird and annoying. Your polygamy jokes aren't funny, dude -- i still think you're all sorts of freaky for believing in this hoo-ha. and, even if you're smart enough not to believe but just say you do to get three wives (which, a tip of the imaginary top hat for that), that's still pretty douchey. also, your little anecdotes about how you can't remember which wife's closet your clothes are in? NOT FUNNY. we wanna hear more about the sex schedules and less about boring daily life. that's what people are interested in, sir. also cut your goddamn hair! who do you think you are? your own fourth wife? get that shit cut, you look like you're going through gender reassignment. something tells me your church wouldn't quite be cool with that. also, are you even aware you have 13 children? and, do you know anything about children? i guess you wouldn't need to with 3 mothers around, but good GOD sir at least try to remember their names! take a tip from your fellow TLC dad, Jim Bob Duggar (who I'm 100% convinced does not know which of his 19 children go with each of his 19 J-names) and start calling everyone "buddy". then the whole world of america won't know that you're more interested in banging your 3 wives to make babies than in actually raising them.

2. the third wife. first of all, did anyone else get the impression that girlfriend doesn't know up from down (or an upper from a downer)? maybe it's pregnancy brain, but lady didn't seem to have a full basket of french fries up there. what really sealed it for me was when she described that her ultimate life-time goal was to be a third wife. now, i can't really judge anyone else for their ultimate life dreams when mine include but are not limited to becoming sandra bullock's nanny and marrying matthew gray gubler, but REALLY? all you've ever wanted in life is to become a THIRD wife? why could that be? well, luckily she explained to us:
a. she didn't want to be a first wife because she never wanted to be in a relationship alone with a man (btw, this revelation came after i had already announced to my roommates that i had a lesbian suspicion)
b. she didn't want to be a second wife because they were just a wedge in the relationship of first wife and husband
c. third wife = perfection.

this logic, while sound for a crazy person, makes me wonder many things. like how a third wife isn't just a wedge between two separate relationships, or how she's had 5 kids when she obviously can't stomach the thought of being with a man. HOPEFULLY TLC shares my curiosity and will be addressing these questions post haste on the show.

3. the freshly "courted" soon-to-be fourth wife. i actually don't have a problem with her at all, but how unfair is it that "k"ody just gets to pick a hot (did you see her? especially comparatively, girlfriend's got it going on) piece of new ass once he gets bored of his 3 aging wives under the guise of "multiplying love" and "religion"??? i'm one, offended as a woman who would be really pissed to be traded in for a younger model, and two offended as a non-religious person who would just have to have a regular ol' run of the mill affair. UGH. so annoying. like, kody wins because now he gets to have sex with this good looking broad, but everyone else loses. the three wives lose because they have to share more, and the courted miss loses because she has to have sex with kody! so sexist, those polygamists. AND next week i think kody and the new lady KISS BEFORE MARRIAGE!!! shit, son. how disrespectful. i cannot even believe the horror. kissing before marriage?!?!?!?!?!?! i mean, you have sex with two other women on a regular basis but GOD FORBID you touch your lips to someone else's before you stand up and say nonsense words in front of your tri-wifed family.

i'm going to give sister wives another week, mainly because i'm hoping to get more dirt on the sex schedule and why one of the kids is named mykelti. but if this train of insanely annoying people continues, i'm going to have to give this show the axe. because, and i never thought i'd say this, i'd rather be watching chloe sevingy.