Friday, December 17, 2010

there are some things i have to say. i've been having a lot of "the feelings" lately, mainly about inconsequential things. like real human emotions. i'm not quite sure what to do with myself. so, to deal this influx of humanity, i've been watching a lot of dexter and eating a lot of quesadillas as i furtively check the weather reports in hopes that we'll get a snow day and i can sleep in and wallow in my own squalor instead of getting up and facing twenty shining faces of kids who literally cannot control their little bodies and their excitement for the impending holiday. shit's whack. they're all looney tunes these days, and it's rubbing off on me. OMG i'm off track. THE POINT IS, I HAVE FEELINGS. THEY ARE:

1. devastation. i am absolutely (and completely irrationally) wracked with despair and desolation over the heartbreaking split of michael c. hall and jennifer carpenter. like, i actually had a coronary when EW first reported the news. i gasped and clutched my chest and bemoaned the end of this brief but adorable romance. it doesn't help that i've been re-watching dexter on netflix, so their faces are fresh in my mind. but whyyy, guys? i mean you beat cancer together but you can't beat a little "irreconcilable differences"?? i just honestly have no words. this break-up has just been a knife to my heart. they just seemed happy! and i have a weird penchant for real life couples who are on the same show (in case you were wondering, i believe there are now currently 5 -- yes, i listed in my bereavement). i know i get way too attached to celebrity couples, but the past few weeks have really sent me into a tailspin, and this was just the cherry on the shit sundae.

2. hope. GUYS. i recently heard a radio interview with the love of my life, sir matthew gray gubler. HE IS SINGLE!!!!!1 I didn't even know this. based on some internet stalkage I have done, i kind of thought he was in a relationship with some beezy model who is even two years younger than i am which would give them a whole decade of age difference, BUT!!!!!! seriously i am squealing just thinking about it. the interview was conducted on Nov. 13, 2010 and mgg said, and i QUOTH, "a nice, friendly, well intentioned lady, i would not be averse to." L:FKSH:HL:KDHGSDF:JK EXCUSE ME!!! i am all of those things. well, i'm nice in real life. the anonymity of the internet just lures me into going all bitchy on certain people (miley, stephanie "vamp" moyer, etc.) i can't help myself, i'm an addict. the point is, in real life, i am (though still delightfully sardonic), nice. and friendly. i'm a goddamn 2nd grade teacher. they PAY me to be friendly. (oh wait, no they don't. i pay them to be friendly since getting your masters is not exactly a mo' money mo' problems situation. just the mo' problems part). the POINT IS, i can really crank up the sunshine until it's shining out of my ass. you are welcome for that visual. AND, i think anyone would has ever read this blog (so, two people) would know that my intentions re: the delectable dr. reid are nothing less than WELL. i mean, i want to sex him up, move into an artistically decorated apartment with him, bake him cookies and meet his coworkers, and eventually marry and reproduce with him. lovingly. can you think of any better intentions?!?! SO, this holiday season, there's a lot to be hopeful for. i can feel it in my bones that 2011 is the year of me + mgg.

sexually deprived. i'm going through a spell. a dry one. it is not great, and i see no end in the vicinity. can i just say HOW annoying is it that in order to be "respectable" and "classy" and all that other bullshit, you have to put in a goddamn metric ton of effort?! so, FIRST of all you have to find a boy. one who preferably doesn't repulse you in any way. this is more difficult than one might think. THEN, you have to put in a lot of face time and act all annoyingly flirty and you have to talk about your interests and your goals and your hobbies and it's just all so dumb. PLUS, you have to pretend to be interested in hearing all of those things about him, when really your end goal is just to get off, not get a boyfriend. frankly, it's exhausting. THEN, you have to put in a few make out sessions and blow jobs. ugh. if i were queen of the word, i would outlaw blow jobs except for maybe one day a year. or, whenever i felt like giving one. ANYWAY, THEN you have to get your lady parts all ready for business. i'm not going to lie -- mine have closed up shop. but you have to make sure you're looking fly. and then, FIIIIINALLY, lightyears later, you're finally DTP. But like, why does it have to be such a process? i just wish it was socially acceptable to skip all those incessant steps and get right on to the main event. i blame the puritans. motherfucking prudes.

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