a wee pre-preface: i'm slightly drunk. $3 cocktails -- come ON.

an actual preface to the main meat of this post: i am a HUGE fan of MTV-style reality television. but one show in particular has my heart. i still remember when i was fourteen years old and Laguna Beach: The Real OC debuted. Instant gold. And i've been a faithful fan of my girl LC ever since. I fucking LOVE Lauren Conrad, with her trendy braided hairstyles and her heartbreaking decision to choose Jason over Paris (which, ugh, I could never support). Honestly, it's a sad truth of my life that if Lauren and Brody don't end up happily together, I'm going to be so much more depressed than any human has a right to be. (okay but also -- how amaaaazing would a "family-style" reality tv-show with lauren & brody and! in-law stepsisters the Kardashians! be?) zANYWAYS, I spent my formative years with LC, we've grown up together for godsakes. I've seen her grow and seen her mature and seen her ditch ass hats like Jason and Heidi. So OBviously when LC made her grown-up move to The Hills, I went right along with her. You mean you didn't see me all those nights at Les Deux?!? And I was a faithful viewer of The Hills, Justin-Bobby and sex tapes and Lo being a huuuge BZ to Audrina (which was really sad for me, because I LOVED Lo on LB), and all those shenanigans. I remember when Audrina was just Heidi's pool-side friend, for godsakes! And that first, fateful episode when Heidi had that horribly hilarious interview...ah, memory lane. In fact, the only season of either LB and/or The Hills that I didn't watch was the last one -- because I hate that whore Kristin Cavallari with a passion that I generally reserve for despicable things such as Twilight and that tea-bagger Sarah Palin. Also, it's hard for me to look at Franken-Heidi these days, and I couldn't deal when the show started to veer towards a Spencer/Heidi horror-spectacular.

I mean, how doesn't hate Spencer? Hating Spencer Pratt is as all-American as hating France and vegetarians. Guy's a fucking ass hat. Like, my personal vision of hell is being trapped in an enclosed space with a bald eagle and Spencer Pratt. Not sure which I'd kill first. So, with that lovely thought in mind, the statement I'm about to make is going to sound egregiously bold.

Spencer Pratt is a FUCKING GENIUS.

Honestly, those are the last words I ever thought I'd be saying. Especially since I watched the douche get BAPTIZED by STEPHEN BALDWIN on I'M A CELEBRITY, GET ME OUT OF HERE!" But here's the deal -- dude's got an action plan, and it is working. In a people.com article (in fact, the most read article of the week) entitled "I Chose Fame Over Heidi", Spencer's true Urkel emerges. Direct quotes from the article:

"I'm a famewhore and I'll never grow out of it."
"I want every kind of press."

And the thing is -- he's winning! He wants to be famous, and by god, HE IS. Because he says shit like, "I'm an artist now. I have an easel and everything. I'm going for an art show and a gallery." And then, sane humans such as myself (blookay just go with it) HAVE to respond. Because the visual of Spencer Pratt in a beret with a fucking paintbrush in his hand is too much to bear. He wants us to talk about him, and we DO because literally couldn't be further off his rocker. He's totally misogynistic, Republican when it suits him, compares himself to Brad Pitt (and Tom Cruise, but that comparison is totally accurate in my mind since they are both balls to the walls whackadoo), like, how can i NOT talk about this fucking mess?! And therein lies the true genius of Spencer Pratt. He's a ridiculous human, and so sincerely believes in famewhoring and no-bad-press that he says preposterous things and stirs shit up and then, voila, he's the most read story on people.com. It's literally brilliant. The execution is spotless. I'm so weirdly impressed as I simultaneously want to shoot him in the face. And that's exactly what he wants. He wants me to wish to shoot him in the face, because that means I'm talking about him! JESUS I've been fooled by Spencer Pratt. The stupidest human in the world has bested me. What a horrible world we live in.