I know, I know. Long time, no blog. But in my defense -- I just completed a 7 day drinking binge to commemorate my collegiate years, and then I graduated magna cum laude, bitches. So cut a girl some slack.

Whilst browsing FML.com this morning, I came across this gem:

Today, I went through the drive through at Dunkin Donuts and asked for an iced coffee. After no response I start frantically screaming about bad service. After a while, the woman comes out to my car and says, "Please pull up to the speaker." I yelled at a garbage bin for 5 minutes. FML

And my immediate thought was, "well of COURSE you're that stupid, because you go to the anti-christ that is Dunkin Donuts!" See, the thing is - I kind of hate Dunkin Donuts. DD has never truly wronged me in any way, but still - I just can't get on board. This is for many reasons, some of them vain, some of them shallow, but all of them real. Firstly, where I come from (the greatest state this side of bliss), one could only encounter a DD in one of the trashier suburbs - Gresham, Oregon City, etc. As a city-dweller, I speak for all Portlandians when I say that we tend to scorn and eschew all Suburban-types, because who wants new identical houses and strip malls when you can have a 1912 architectural icon and NE Broadway? To get back on point, if one did venture into one of these DD's, certain things are infallible. The patrons will invariably have more children than teeth, have a total inches of girth number higher than their I.Q., and will make a quick stop at DD after picking up their lotto tickets and before their weekly splurge dinner at Red Lobster.

Secondly, Dunkin Donuts is all over the East Coast. I am emphatically NOT all over the East Coast. I mean, techincally I generally am as I spend like 8 months out of the year there, but really anything that is particular to that side of the country I meet with disdain and distrust. I feel distinctly aloof and proud in my inability to partake in the DD madness, and also would truly feel unfaithful to my coast and my people if I did in fact inbibe in one of those g.d. drinks. Thirdly, Dunkin Donuts commercials infiltrate my life. They're quite vexatious! When I'm unwinding with a good, heart-wrenching episode of Grey's, I'm not trying to hear "American Runs on Dunkin" 134256 times. Am I not an American, DD? Because last time I checked, the 14th Amendment told me I was. But do I run on Dunkin? False. I don't even run!

Fourthly, and most importantly, if I ever went to DD, I'd be cheating on my most faithful companion - someone I've been with for years of my life, someone who has never ever let me down. This someone is known as Starbucks. Starbucks is a GOD among coffee-houses. It gets a lot of shit for being a big corporation and too expensive, but whatever! It's not simply about the single cup of coffee/tea/myriad beverages they can provide you with, it's about the whole Starbucks experience. Unlike DD, Starbucks is classy. No matter where you are in the world (and I've heartily tested this theory), you can walk into a Starbucks, and it will be clean, and jewel-toned, with lots of abstract art on the walls and jazzy relaxing music playing in the pleasantly-lit background. The chairs are comfy and oversized, and their display cases never falter to be aesthetically pleasing. Unlike DD, Starbucks is a west-coast operation. Gotta stay true to my roots, you know, and Starbucks just makes it so gosh darn easy to be proud of the good old left side of the country! Unlike DD, Starbucks doesn't air commericals. Nope, they're just naturally popular enough without feeling the need to kill my braincells for 30 seconds 7 times an hour. Take that, DD! People don't need to be lured or tricked or brainwashed into going to Starbucks - they just inately want to! I mean, I know I always do.

So yeah, garbage bin screamer, your actions aren't surprising. I'm willing to barter that if you just ditch your filthy DD habit and pull through a SB drive-thru instead, your minimal brain-power will experience a rapid increase. I mean, it's not like it can go anywhere but up, right?