My career as a college undergrad has almost come to a close. There is but one thing standing between me and total freedom (for a week, at least). It's called The Stupidest History Paper Ever Assigned. Essentially, my professor wants a 25 page report on black communism. Not like research with an original thesis. Nope. Just a report. And generally while I like easy work that I could have done in the 5th grade, the sheer idiocy of this assignment renders me unable to even begin a rudimentary draft. It's due on Tuesday, which is still more than tomorrow away, so there's an immediate plus, but ZOMG I CANNOT WRITE THIS PAPER! The very thought of simply regurgitating the class lectures I daydreamed through makes me want to shovel my brains out of my head. Really. Doesn't help that my professor is this guy:



Except large, black, and continuously screaming about Communism and "smackin' whores around". Verbatim. So I know that he's barely going to read my 25 pages of bullshit, which makes me want to write it even less. Therefore, I proudly present to you the many and varied things I have done to avoid writing this absurd paper:

1. Watched the entire series of Freaks & Geeks. Again, For the second time since winter break. Was weirdly attracted to 14 year old John Francis Daley (but only because I know how cute he grows up to be!)
2. Felt weird about being attracted to 14 year old, so had lengthy discussion with Roomie #1 about appropriateness. Decided it was okay because she is attracted to Justin Beiber. Subsequently decided this probably makes her same sex oriented.
3. Brainstormed the female celebrities that Roomie #1 should go for.
4. Did time trials, semi finals, and finals on an inflatable obstacle course that was on our campus green for the day.
5. Administered first aid to myself, Roomie #1 and Roomie #2 after unfortunate accidents on said inflatable obstacle course.
6. Thought up and wrote down an entire half horror/half comedy movie plotline wherein one of our friends kills another in murderous rage with the Roomies.
7. Casted said movie with famous Hollywood stars.
8. Reassured ourselves that we could and would in fact get this movie made WITH the preferred actors.
9. Practiced my Robot moves in the mirror for an ungodly amount of time (read: hours).
10. Wikipedia'd things including but not limited to: lobsters, Matthew Lillard, Anastasia, Bea Arthur, Crohns Disease, Moscow, and Kardashians. Verbatim, sadly.
11. Willingly and without prompting called my mother. Her honest-to-god response upon answering -- "What's wrong? Are you hurt? Are you at the hospital? (pause)... are you calling for money?"
12. Willingly and without prompting called my father. His honest-to-god response upon answering -- "stop procrastinating and do your work, you idiot."
13. Washed all the dirty dishes (aka all the dishes), pretended I was Cinderella. Sang "Impossible" from the made-for-TV version of Cinderella starring Brandy (of Boy is Mine fame).
14. Watched the entire series of Undeclared. Without apology but with Roomies.
15. Spurred by Undeclared, made lists of all our collegiate hook-ups.
16. Moaned, slammed around, and writhed in self-pity per many inclusions re: #15.
17. Went through every picture tagged of myself on Facebook to make sure I was always looking my best. I was not. Detagging occurred with a vengeance.
18. Painted my toenails pale pink. Decided I did not like the color. Walked to Wal-greens to buy new nail polish. Repainted nails.

This is not an exaggeration. I'm simultaneously insanely proud of my ability to waste time and disgusted with my inability to just sit down and write things that don't even require original thought. I suppose I could say something sentimental about how I'm unconsciously holding on to this paper because it represents the culmination of my college years, but that's a bold-faced lie. I've always pulled shit like this. It's my greatest talent and greatest flaw. As my friend Alanis would say, ironic.