it would be easy for me to write off today, thanksgiving, as just another random thursday, but a shitty one because 30 rock isn't on. you see, i've had to cancel my thanksgiving plans (going to maine with dear roomie), on account of the fact that I was recently diagnosed with a sinus infection, and ear infection, and bronchitis. the doctor at the clinic was indelibly impressed with my outrageously strong immune system, because apparently i should have figured out i was dying like a week earlier than i did, because my body should have shut down already. sooo yeah. i'm stuck in worcester, massachusetts, the shittiest place in the entire country, sipping on gatorade and drowning my sorrows in broad-spectrum antibiotics. so you can see where i could throw up my hands at the whole "giving thanks" shabang and retreat to the cave that is my bed, but i'm actually in a pretty great mood. and it might just be the drugs talking, because lord knows i've had a lot today, but i have a lot to be thankful for.

1. first and foremost, i am thankful for twitter. twitter is the best invention in the world. except maybe like, toothpaste and laptops. i believe i've mentioned once or thrice how twitter allows me to stalk celebrities with reckless abandon; if you know me at all, you'll know this is all i ever want in this world. more specifically, twitter has allowed me and my main man, a certain Mr. Gray Gubler, to inch closer and closer to lovahs status. I mean, he might not know it yet, but beeelieve me, it's happening. it's like a slow moving "accio" spell -- like i've lost my voice and haven't completely mastered nonverbal spells yet (just, go with it, okay? deathly hallows part 1 coming out just reaffirmed my extreme sadness that i'm forever destined to remain a muggle). OKAY the point is, i'm dually thankful for twitter and it's main purpose in my life, allowing me to grow closer to MGG. I now know a looot more about him, and will use this excessive knowledge to my advantage when I move down to LA to stalk him. And, I'm still clinging to the slimmest hope that someday he'll tweet me back. because really the only online relationship i can get on board with is one that ends with me and MGG bumping uglies in his Criminal Minds trailer. Which would be, ultimately, more ideal than doing it in a bed in his (i'm sure artistically decorated) apartment, because I could walk out of the trailer post-coital and see my #5 girl crush paget brewster and be all, "oh sup, girl". see, i have it all worked out. foolproof.

2. secondly, i'm thankful for the genius who invented netflix. i actually know this genius because i've babysat for his kids because they live across the street from my bff's grandma in santa cruz, but SERIOUSLY thank you sir-whose-name-i-can't-remember-but-your-kids-are-cutiebeans. as i've been wallowing around in a pit of crumpled kleenex and coughdrops, netflix instantwatch has been my savior. one show in particular has kept me occupied as i cough up half a lung -- psych. ALL of the first four seasons are on netflix, just waiting for me to click play. SO considerate! also, i'm thankful for IMDB.com because it was really bothering me that i couldn't figure out what the girl detective in psych (maggie lawson) was from, and then imdb informed me that she was in one of the greatest disney channel original movies of all time, model behavior, with the one and only justin timberlake. honestly, when this movie came out in the year a-twothouuusand, i was a twelve year old with overalls and a dream. and my dream was basically a world in which my two favorite things (disney channel original movies and justin timberlake) would collide. AND THEY DID! and maggie lawson was a part of it. so of course, she's been retroactively added to the girl crush list (eh, let's go with #8). zANYWAYS, the point is, thanks netflix, for keeping a girl entertained.

3. thirdly, i'm very grateful for the fact that my schmorgesboard (how the fuck do you spell that word? if only the rat from charlotte's web were here...right? whoa that's a weird and random insert into this post but a memory of watching that movie and sobbing uncontrollably just burst into my mind) of illnesses has wiped out my appetite. usually, this is the time of the year where my figure balloons up to roseanne-like proportions (okaaay, a bit of an exaggeration), because i like to do this thing where i eat a whole pecan pie by myself, after going back for round 5 with my friends Mashed Potato and Buttered Roll. so, it's kind of a nice change that this year, i have no appetite and therefore may even be a little svelte-r than i was before. althouuuugh...i could probably force down a pecan pie if i had one. it'd be a waste not to, you know. i guess it's a good thing i'm sequestered to this teensy apartment with no pie in sight. so i'm thankful for the fact that i'm just in my inert state of no-toned-ness, and not entering into the territory of general flabbiness.

i don't know if you were expecting a somewhat less superficial thanksgiving blog post from me -- if you were, clearly you're not quite familiar with the way i live my life (poorly, judging by my festering illnesses and withdrawal like symptons stemming from my lack of alcohol for the past week), but i do want to say that i am truly thankful for my beautiful friends who mock me mercilessly and love me unconditionally, my whack-a-doo family and their slightly abrasive alcoholic but altogether supportive spirit, and my puppy and kitten who are the cutest little baby beans in the entire world. and of course, a shout out to my new BFF -- broad spectrum antibiotic FTW! (a bigger win, perhaps, if it didn't have a warning label that read "may cause diarrhea". but, can't win 'em all).

i feel like i am disproportionately bitter on this blog. and i don't love that because in real life, i'm not actually bitter at all. slightly sardonic? absolutely. endearingly quirky? so they tell me. but bitter? notsomuch. (another pressing reason why i feel the need to jump to my own defense is that i have an elaborate daydream where some cupid-esque soul directs MGG to this blog, and if (when!) that were to happen, not only would I want him to know that we are soulmates (we are!!!) but I would die of shame and sadness if he thought I were some sort of beezy with a capital b). the POINT is, in light of the fact that i feel like i'm coming off like katherine heigl by shitting over everything, I just wanted to take the opportunity to address the fact that there are many a thing that i love. and by love, i mean LOVE. i'm actually slightly bipolar in the way i live my life because it's not often that i merely like or dislike something -- i tend to go to extremes (and yet, i hate extremists...). like, i HATE twilight. but i LOVE harry potter. and in between are a few things, but really only stuff like mushrooms, fake pearl necklaces, and the later Narnia books that got all sexist (because i LOVE the rest of the series, too). Sooo, yeah. Strong opinions formed with alacrity, generally for no legitimate reason.

now that i've cleared myself, i am in fact going to take the time to talk about a few things that i have inappropriately strong emotional reactions to in the land of entertainment:

1. the rumored romance of chelsea handler & 50 cent. i DO NOT like this. let me start off by saying, i am a large fan of chelsea handler. like, maybe i want her to be my stepmom and maybe i have (another) elaborate fantasy where she invites MGG on her show and is like, "you know, i've got this amaaazing stepdaughter..." (quick sidenote: I AM SO TORN between my desire for MGG to read this and know we should be lovahs and my desire for him to NEVER KNOW i am a human who writes on a blog). okay, but so yeah. Chelsea. Love her. she is insanely witty and smart and i really like her no-bullshit attitude. I used to be really pretty ambivalent about 50 cent. i mean, i loved "in da club" as much as any 9th grader during it's hey-day, but like...it's 50 cent. who the f cares. So why does this bother me so much?! I honestly don't know. I mean, clearly I have the disillusion running through my head that chels belongs with my father, who is, interestingly enough, not fiddy. Furthermore, it's just like...I feel like if you are going to date a black rapper, you could do a lot better. A lot hotter. Like Usher, who is also recently single I believe. Shit, Beyonce is a black musical artist and I'd definitely do her over half-dollar (but I mean, who wouldn't? It's fucking beyonce. PUN intended). Anyway, I'm really angry about this and Chels just tweeted at me (heh, and 2014458 other people) that ol' 50 cent is going to be on her show tonight. I WANT ANSWERS but really i only want one and that is: we are not penetrating.

2. willow smith and her whipping hair. i'm not going to lie, i like this song. i think it's catchy as the flu in 1918, and her heart hairstyle in the music video is honestly one of the bombest things i've ever seen in my life (second only really to goldie hawn in the flesh), but i just.can't.do.it!! first of all, girl is nine. NINE! my second graders are almost nine, and they are still picking their noses and can't handle sitting still for read-aloud for more than 4 minutes. i feel sad for willow! i feel like she should be out running around like a crazed banshee and not actually being filmed whipping her hair around like a fucking veela! also, i have (some would say unreasonable) hate for the entire pinkett-smith clan because 1. they all have the same name -- will, willow, jada, jaden. shit's conceited! and 2. they are scientologists, and i do NOT get down with that insanity. so i'm having a really hard time with this. whenever the song comes on, i look like i'm having a seizure because as my body obeys the lyrics and attempts to whip around, my mind is screaming "NO! NO! THE SCIENTOLOGISTS ARE TRICKING YOU! SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING IN THE TRACKS LIKE IN JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS!!" which, by the by, is an exquisite movie. certainly tara reid's finest hour, although i don't think it had any competition. oh, except for american pie. and taradise. and obviously my boss's daughter. OKAY SO i really like tara reid and secretly want her to make a huge comeback a la britney 2009 vmas. SUE ME.