something happened this sunday that i just can't get over. my mind still creeps back to the minute this particular conundrum entered my life, and frankly, it's interfering with my ability to do things such as...well, that was a bold statement and honestly i'm still living life per usual (so, you know, binge eating pirates booty in my bed for three straight hours every night while i watch friends repeats and wallow that each of their lives is seven hundred and fifty times cooler than mine). BUT, i really have been thinking about this a lot and i need to get it out before it eats me alive.

the scene: me, roomies 1 & 2. Driving back from NYC where we had just celebrated the birth of former roomie. Literally the most hungover goobs in the entire world, bleary eyed and surrounded by more bagels than is appropriate for three girls. we're trying to stay awake and avoid delirium, as we had gotten a mere 4 hours of sleep after dancing it up near union square for a cool SEVEN HOURS the night prior (yeah, that's no typo. imagine, if you will, a drink-up situation wherein you pay a small fee and get unlimited drinks for a few hours. then imagine this club can't handle me blasting through stereos. then take it up several notches. then, spend two hours trying to get back to queens and almost dying many times in varying ways and degrees of seriousness. and that is our night. and early morning. and mid-morning). THE POINT IS, we were playing kill, fuck, mary, which is the most genius game ever invented. or so i thought.

it was all fine and dandy (kill fuck mary jim, michael, and dwight from the office -- obviously marry jim, fuck michael (blech but i mean...not great is better than unbearable when it comes to sex, amirite?!) and kill dwight. preferably with a beet), until dear roomie #1 poses this query:

"kill fuck marry jennifer garner, jennifer aniston, jennifer lopez."

and then, my brain exploded. because it's like OMIGOD WHAT my choices are too good! i know some of you might be thinking...really? j.lo? with garner and aniston up there, j.lo? BUT yes, friends, jennifer lopez. i mean, first of all, i have an irrational love for the movie selena, as should all human beings. second of all, i have an irrational love for the album "this is me...then", particularly jenny from the block, which may just be my personal ghetto anthem. you know, aside from damn it feels good to be a gangster, which is just my personal life anthem. okay, so now that that's cleared up, back to the dilemma.

the thing is, i LOVE jennifer aniston. which you may or may not know. but like -- i don't want to marry her, you know? I want to marry jennifer garner, who is so wholesome and such a good mom and is so sweet and cute but can also kick ass. you know? she's just so...all american, and in the good way like diversity and democracy not in the bad way like tea baggers and opposing rights for anyone who is not a white male. so, obviously i'd want to marry her! i just really think she'd be a great wife.

but then, who do i want to fuck? jen aniston or j.lo? the thing is, just as i don't really want to marry her, i don't particularly want to fuck jennifer aniston. you can't deny that jennifer lopez is all kinds of sexy, especially when she is walking the streets of brooklyn in a belly shirt and fire hydrants are going off and shit. like, i bet she'd be a firecracker in the sack. and i'm always looking for some more bedroom excitement, ya know?

but then....where does that leave my all time celebrity girl crush?! there's only one option left, and i would rather stab myself through the brain with a rusted machete than kill jennifer aniston. which bodes well for her, i suppose. but the point is -- i just want to be her best friend. ooor perhaps her stepdaughter. either one. it would feel sacrilegious to do the dirty with her and i don't want to have to get into married people fights like who can and can't have sex with angelina jolie, i just want to hang out and drink and tan and shop and hang out. but there's no option for that in kill fuck mary!!! that's the flaw of this once-genius game! and that's what has been keeping me up until 10:30pm every night. i just had to get it out.

p.s. one would think this could go without saying seeing as i've said it a billion times so far, but i just re-read this post and feel it must be said again, but i really am NOT a lesbian.

recently, in an act that was meant to be supportive and problem-solving, one of my beloved roommates, A, direly insulted me. what could she have done? welp, dear friends, she first insinuated and then flat-out advocated for a match.com profile for yours truly. that's right. she wants me to get online, PAY to look through hundreds of pictures of hairy dudes who may or may not have inappropriate relationships with their mothers, and then hang myself with my computer charger cable when, in fact, love does not come a-knocking. FALSE, asshole. i told her i was greatly offended and she couldn't seem to understand why she had committed such a transgression. there are MANY reasons why i am repelled and outraged by this seemingly harmless suggestion for my personal life. WELL...

1. i KNOW the new match.com commercials emphasize that one in five relationships start online these days, and i even know a few happy couples who have, but... doesn't online dating still reek of desperation? and i don't mean that i would judge anyone for doing it, because if you knew some of my online habits you'd see the stone/glass house situation i'm in (also, i understand that that makes it sound as though i'm involved in some sort of cyber child sex slave ring, but i'm not, really. i was more alluding to the frequent hours spent on twitter wildly stalking b-list celebrities). it's just, if i were to join match.com, it's like i would be resigning to the fact that i can't even interact with real humans in the real world anymore. and even though my mom has expressly detailed my aspergers-like tendencies more than once, i still do crave real human interaction. it's like, why would you go online for the CHANCE to have cyber sex when you could just go outside (and not pay!!) for the CHANCE to have real sex?! real sex should ALWAYS win!! and the same principle applies to dating.

2. dating online, frankly, is a terrifying endeavor. you could easily stumble upon some sort of rapist/child molester and unwillingly find yourself in some sort of to-catch-a-predator situation. shit's no good. it's the oldest story on the internet -- you discover a seemingly legitimate man on the interwebs, his picture is a little j.crew-ish and he likes reading and hiking. you set up a date at a local italian place, and then you find yourself beat up in an alleyway with your identity on a plane halfway to shanghai. NO and THANK YOU.

3. creating a profile on match.com just opens you up to judgement and ridicule. i fully recognize that it's completely hypocritical to adore judging others as much as i do and then not allow it to be reciprocal, but come on! and what if someone else is on match.com that i know?! i would die of humiliation if anyone in the world knew that i was apparently out of options. AND I SHOULDN'T BE!! I am 22 for godsakes. and maybe that's old for a playboy playmate, but sweet jesus it's not like i'm 52 and unmarried, living with my seventeen cats and wearing sweaters with applique on them. i honestly feel like the only way it's acceptable to feel like an old maid at 22 is if you are some sort of weirdly religious anti-feminist domestic type. obviously i am zero of those things (except i'm obviously anti-feminist when it suits my purposes, i.e. crying my way out of a speeding ticket). THE POINT IS, just as i have ridiculed those who get married at our age, i would equally hate and rip apart someone who had given up on the real world and had turned instead to the cold comfort of technology to find a mate.

4. the bz roommate in question, is in fact in a serious relationship. she's in loooove and she's so happy and blah blah blah whatEVAR. and you know what? she hasn't been single for more than a month in the past 8 years. LITERALLY. isn't that the most annoying thing you've ever heard? suck it, asshole. the world may have given up on me, BUT I'M STILL HERE.

my brain doesn't really work anymore. blerg.

i love my job. working with second graders is the best profession EVARRR because short of becoming angelina jolie (the technology for which i haven't quiiiiite perfected yet -- but rest assured, i'm working on it), it's the most complimentary. i mean that literally. seven year olds are super needy and just want you to love them, so hanging out with them every day for eight hours a day is a real self-esteem boost. little girls will raise their hand specifically to tell you that they like your (plain and boring) dress. they'll run up to you on their tiny legs in the morning and give you big hugs and tell you they love you. i've honestly never felt better about myself! who wouldn't want to surround themselves with such laudatory little humans? it's like in one of my favorite movies, aquamarine (yes, one of my favorites. my movie tastes are that of an emotionally misunderstood tween. case in point: i'm currently watching legally blonde 2: red, white and blonde. and loving it). aquamarine, in case you were wondering, is the heartfelt tale of two best friends (emma roberts and jojo of 'leave, get out' fame) who find a mermaid washed up on shore, looking for love obviously, and together they have a summer full of hilarious misadventures overcoming the tribulations of being a teenaged girl, sigh. THE POINT IS, in the movie, Aquamarine (the mermaid girl -- not to be confused with Milagros, the real-life girl from i wanna say, Peru, who was/is actually a mermaid girl but fortunately received successful surgery and now can walk and is taking swim lessons (although...i'm betting she could swim just fine before...)) has starfish earrings that heap praise upon the wearer in weird, smurf-like voices. the slightly terrifying starfish earrings are precisely like my second graders -- i'm actually LOVING this simile i've created. they have teensy little voices, can't tell you enough how great you are, and also leech onto you and have no concept of personal space. lesson learned: second graders are starfish.

second graders are also kind of DUMB. mine are actually academically pretty legit, and have been wowing me continuously with their reading skillz, but good GOD seven year olds are not the brightest some time. Example One: picture a little girl handling scissors like a crazy person, and sneakily looking around the classroom before reaching said scissors up to her bangs. then imagine me sprinting across the classroom and grabbing the offending supply out of her mischievous hands.
"What are you doing!?" I exclaim, as I assumed that second graders would know that cutting flower petals out of construction paper does not necessitate in any way a haircut.
"Nothing."
"Were you going to cut your hair?"
"No."
"Okay, good, because that wouldn't be a good choice. At school, we use scissors to cut paper, never hair. Please be careful."
Repeat this conversation with the same child three times in the next hour. Finish project, walk students to gym, and come back to discover a small area of the floor under the aforementioned students' desk slightly furry. Example Two: it's lunchtime, and i'm on duty which means i go around and open ketchup packets and stop arguments about pudding vs. cookies and generally hate my life. the last five minutes of lunch time is quiet lunch, and the lights are turned down so that the children remember to eat and that lunch is not merely social hour. it works surprisingly well. except, there are always the chatterboxes. i overhear this from one of my girls during quiet lunch --
"...and jacob sitting in a tree, k-i-"
"girls! you need to be quiet, and finish your lunch. you shouldn't be talking at all, let alone about that, it's not very nice." then of course, the denial (plus a little extra)...
"I wasn't!!!!! ..... but they are."

i'm exhausted but here are my (completely unedited an probably schitzophrenic) notes from the Emmy red carpet ...


6:01 -- jane lynch looks gorgeous in that plum color! but i cant tell if its LONG or SHORT andddd i need it to be long. pan down, camera!!! also awkward how she has to hunch over a bit because ryan seacrest is a teensy sprite -- AH ITS LONG! she looks great. hahaha funeral jokes, god she's hilarious.

6:03 -- guiliana, shut the FUCK up. you're not a real celeb and no one cares what you are wearing. but i like your damn shoes.

6:05 -- jimmy fallon. asshole better do a good job because i honestly think he is, in fact, not funny. ALSO sarah hyland from modern family looks good, and she's like younger than me, but she looks all glam and shit and that's how i'd hope to look if i ever got an emmy four years ago. also when did jimmy fallon get married? and she is ORANGE, yo. that's some fake tanner gone way bad.

6:13 -- carrie ann inaba is not a celebrity. get her the fuck out of the glam-cam. AND STOP referencing jersey shore. this is about TELEVISION not SHIT

6:17 -- my fellow Oregonian and blazers fanatic TY BURRELL! ahhh he looks so cute and i like his gray suit a lot. SPOTTED: eva longoria. i kind of forgot she existed...

6:18 kelly osbourne - meh. like, what are you doing here? but, she looks reeeeally good for kelly osbourne.

6:19 is that carrie preston? does anyone know who that is other than me? IS THAT HER? ryan seacrest stop talking about kathy griffin and LET ME KNOW who that redhead is! if she is carrie preston, she's ben linus' wife and arlene from true blood, in case you were wondering.

6:25 -- the mayor of LA and joel mchale. The THING IS, i hate community. AND joel mchale. WHEN ARE WE GOING TO SEE REAL CELEBRITIES? I'm really so disappointed in this red carpet coverage, E!

6:26 -- kevin mchale! okay excited about this. always weirds me out that he's not in a wheelchair in real life. ah what a cutie with his glasses! spotted: angela from the office! does she have weird extensions? i like her dress though, it is black. i kneeeew there was gonna be hella black, speaking of it kathy griffin is also wearing it! that dumb E! guy predicted a lot of nudes/beiges but i knew he was wrong. hella black.

6:28 -- emma from glee! CUTE dress, navy blue? dont love the necklace though its very spice girls music video.

6:33 -- mark salling. BOMB but i miss the mohawk! except i think his tie is crooked and someone needs to help him. he's kind of awkward. OH meeting kim kardashian. hahahahaha. kim!! i reeeally dislike that dress, kim. it's not bad, but it's really not great and it gives her a boob shelf and the dress is too flowy and she looks like she could be pregnant, although god help the world if that's true.

6:36 kim and lea meet! cute! lea michele is a kim fan. AND is wearing a lot of bling. and now kim is interviewing her. she looks bomb in her oscar de la renta, but i wish she'd lose the necklace. but i KNEW she was going to go dark. and she still has the bangs. she's just so gleeful in real life so its hard for me to get too down on her.

6:39 -- claire danes. what the fuck was she in? oh right, that made for movie temple grandin about that autistic woman. remember when she was beth in little women? her best role, probably. OH WAIT my so called life obviously was but she wanted to make movies so there is only one season. fucking claire danes.

641 -- sofia vergara wearing gold and looking fantastic. tracy jordan wearing...pale pink? or maybe white but its hard to tell with the red carpet glow going on

642 -- TELL ME THAT IS NOT LAUREN GRAHAM. i literally just slapped my hand to my forehead because that white/black/cruela de ville MESS makes me want to weep. i love lauren graham and i am going to cry now

646 -- sofia vergara is so cute and i love her rolling her rrrrs but i also dont love the weird line thing going down her otherwise flawless dress....someone help her and omg ryan seacrest stop asking every.modern.family actor about ed o'neill

647 -- jon hamm and jenifer whatserface from that lesbian movie -- JON hamm is soo sexy i cant even deal also i hear he may be dancing in the opening number...also is it sacrilege to say i dont love mad men? i like looking at it, but its just kind of....dull.

649 -- ricky and jane gervais damn he has a bomb wife! and he's loosing weight and looks goooood. i wish ricky gervais was hosting. guaranteed this show would be a billion times funnier than whatever jimmy fallon has up his sleeve.

652 -- bryan cranston. three peat? also i really do want to watch his show breaking bad because its about meth and that really intrigues me. oh january jones preview N OKATE GOSSELIN IS AT THE EMMYS OH MY GOD I JUST KEEP SCREAMING NO AT THE TELEVISION!!! what i really wanted to say jan jones looks bad per usual and christina hendricks stick to black that lavender hue isnt great but your boobs are contained i guess....

657 -- ryan murphy, blue sunglasses. false.

659 -- january jones, are you ever NOT a hot mess? is that tina fey i see on deck?!!?! say its so....

700 -- tina fey! LOVE YOU. she looks good even if i think there are hyroglyphics on her dress, whatever i still really like it. and her hair is looking tresemme commercial worthy

702 -- christina hendricks meh i dont hate the color as much as i did at the first glance but its not really as flattering but it must be kind of difficult to dress dem curves. if i were here id go naked

705 -- betty white, though i love her, kind of always dresses like shes sti7ll on golden girls.

708 -- anna paquin and stephen moyer. newlyweds and anna's dress is really fucking awesome and its so weird to see stephen moyer not the color of death. life really becomes him! also is he short? i mean he is taller than ryan seacrest but thats not saying much...but everytime i look at the screen i fall more in more in love with how awesome and avant garde her dress is!

711 -- heidi and seal. power couple. bomb. nothing else to say. heidis dress is insanely short! AH didnt even realize that.

713 -- mindy kaling. prom hair, hey-o! but she's funny and i like her dress. the cut out front is obviously a trend this year.

714 -- MANNY FROM MODERN FAMILY! ahhhh ahahahahahaaaaaaaaaa le mom le sister i am in love avec him. look at his tiny pimp hat! ugh ryan seacrest with matthew morrison. hate him. he looks typically tool-ish. AH NPH!!! LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU. i want to carry your babies in my womb. look at his suit he is so adorable and i want to be best friends with him foreverrrr.

718 -- kyra sedgwick is absolutely stunning. perfect dress. her hair is very jennifer aniston the year she won for friends. also i just rewatched footloose and realized how lucky she is for marrying kevin bacon -- where is he?! is it weird that i was totally attracted to him while watching?

725 -- amy poehler looks bomb for just having had a baby, dayum guuurl. god i love this couple! such cutieheads! ah, their seventh wedding anniversary so cute i might cry hahahahaaaaaa THEY ARE FUNNY.

727 -- julia louis dreyfus i cannot believe that she is still nominated! i forgot that her show still exiseted. well, i guess not anymore. i like her earrings and i can't see that much about her dressss but i like the copper sash now that i know its a copper sash and not a mesh situation which i though it was at first, but now i am backtracking -- is it mesh?! ugh i hope not

729 -- hugh laurie. he is SO DAPPER. is it weird that he is older than my dad and yet i would do him in a hot second?

731 -- steve carell and his wife nancy. i cant even believe that they are continuing the office after he leaves. that's a downward train headed to nowheresville if i've ever seen one. glenn close on the long shot -- would we call that dress olive? i dont know, but we would call it not great.

734 -- juliana margulies...what the f is up with her hair? why does it look all...nesty and frazzled mom?

741 -- ed o'neill. he's such a bean. his wife is pretty and kind of looks like an older sofia vergara so that makes some weird sort of sense, right? also! spotted, elisabeth moss! no wedding band. nude dress with a lot of train business she has to continually deal with. AH! Julie Bowen! such a cutie i actually really love her dress, i love the ruffle but the problem with all of these dress is ARE THEY BLACK OR NAVY BLUE?

743 -- jane krakowski!!!! navy blue again. also she is so adorable and she looks really elegant and i like the shoulder rouching and her shoes HOT DAMN are high!

745 john krasinski!! where is emily blunt?!!?! where is she/! i want them to be a couple and be so cute and i want to squeeze them and i want them to make babies ASAP. why is she down there on the carpet and not up here talking to ryan?! THEY ARE AN UP-AND-COMING POWER COUPLE, TREAT THEM AS SUCH.

746 -- dianna agron, i really am liking her carolina hererra!! oh, michael c. hall! i kind of wish he was still bald (although by choice and not chemo).

748 -- matthew fox, my fellow oregon lover. his wife/mother (which one?! hopefully mom) looks like elvira. i'm so baffled. please be his mom. AH! jenna fischer looks like a cutie, her orange-red dress is nice and its nice to see her not excessively tanned like SO MANY OTHERS on the red carpet.

okay break to get fully prepared for the start of the show

last night, i spent an hour de-corking a bottle of wine. because i wanted to drink it, and i wanted to drink it NOW. and i wasn't trying to share a bottle with my roommate (though she did generously offer) who had a twist-off cap, oh no. i needed the full bottle to myself, because last night was the only night off i'll have for the rest of eternity, and without another chance for debauchery and foolishness on the horizon, i needed to go out with a bang. so i was planning on making the most of it (judging by the fact that i woke up this morning with my sandals still on and my phone in my hand, mid-text (to a bff thank the LORD i wasn't doing any drunk sexting. nothing more embarrassing than waking up to that discovery), i'd say i succeeded). but, our cork screwer happened to be mysteriously missing. i shelby woo'd (anyone? anyone?) around the kitchen for a while, checking all the nooks and crannies, and growing exponentially more frustrated and more in need of the golden liquid that was so close and so far from my reach. so zANYWAYS, i finally give up in utter despair and am seriously contemplating slamming the neck of the bottle against the counter with a bucket underneath to catch that juicy nectar (um...unintentionally sounding like an erotic story and not hating it...uncomfortable). but then, i spotted this long, two-pronged gadget that i think may or may not be used for checking meat tenderness (erotic story alert, hi-yo!), and i had an idea. my resolve was set right then and there -- i was going to macguyver that bottle open if it killed me (which it almost did).

so i grab the two-pronger and i start chipping away at that shit like perez hilton on lindsay lohan. tiny bits of cork are flying this way and that. it's hard to really get more than slivers out at a time, but i'm not deterred. if anything, i'm insanely proud of my ingenuity. i finally get a few big (relative term) chunks out, and i'm digging around in there like one of my second graders in their nose. my roommate is watching with a unique combination of awe and disgust. i'm so dedicated to my craft (my craft obviously being alcoholism) that i don't even notice that i'm bleeding a little from an overeager prong-incident. (once i notice, of course, i spend five minutes thinking i'm going to develop rabies and die a very Dr. Quinn-esque death, have vivid images of foaming mouths flash through my mind, then get over it and band-aid my pinky. crisis averted).

so i'm working it for a good while when i start to think that i may have underestimated just how much cork is in there. because i've got a good little pile of woodchips beside me, and no wine to show for my efforts yet. i place my instruments down and regard my sly opponent for a red hot moment. and then, lightening strikes in the same place twice and my brain explodes with a Great Idea. the prongs are having difficulty reaching the remaining mangled cork, so i race my way into my room, pick up my scissors, and walk slowly back into the kitchen because one time i was seven and running with scissors despite my dad's frequent warnings otherwise, and i murdered the stuffed animal that was in my other hands. bloodbath. soooo, yeah.

i'm stabbing the scissors into the cork and am trying to keep my distance because i don't want the wine to explode into my face, but the teensy bit of cork that's a stubborn little bitch isn't moving, so i lean closer to get a better grip and inspect the situation. obviously, i wasn't thinking of the golden rule that every sitcom in existence has taught me -- as soon as you lean forward to get a closer look at something, it blows up in your face. LITERALLY. a straight shot of white wine to my eye. i was blinded both with pride and pain. SHIT that hurt! and, i had to re-do my eye make up. total lose/lose except it was an INSANE WIN because i could start drinking to medicate the pain immediately and also get adequately sloppy for the night. and, sir, i did. success was mine, and success was wine (pun alert), and it tasted sweet (and a little corky).

alright, listen. i have an unhealthy dedication to maintaining this blog because i've already failed like, thrice before. and even though i'm lazy, i generally dislike failing. but, shit's getting rough. i have class every day, and by the time i get home my brain only functions at a level that allows me to watch Lifetime movies and shove string cheese into my mouth with something a little less than precision. So, sorry 'bout it all (one) of you, but prepare for a wholly uninspired post. if i had more time, it still probably wouldn't even be better. as it is, i'm technically supposed to be creating lesson plans that will shock and awe my second-graders into understanding the concept of borrowing. and i am. i am also, however, technically drinking wine by myself and watching pride and prejudice on E! details, schmetails.

henceforth; Why Three of Matthew Gray Gubler's Recent "Tweets"* Show Our Pre-Destined Destiny

*sidenote: I hate the word "tweets". It makes me feel annoyingly social-network-y, and it sounds too close to twat. which is my least favorite word for girl parts, ever. so i'm just going to go with, "twitter-post", which, though longer, makes me hate myself less.

TWITTER-POST ONE: "Who was your favorite Cosby kid? I can't decide. I think maybe Denise...or Olivia...or Theo...dang"

okay, so pretty regular, right? I mean, who doesn't love the Cosby Show? Even if to this day I still don't understand WHY it was called the Cosby Show when it was about the Huxtables -- right? Like what kind of mind-fuckery is that? Just so we'd remember you were the star, Bill? Whatever. The POINT is, The Cosby Show was my go-to daytime television entertainment whenever I was sick at home (which happened rarely, as my mom believed that it didn't matter how shitty you may have felt, if you weren't vomiting continuously you were a-ok to go). And, during these long, delirium-filled days, I would endlessly debate who I liked best. Obviously I always thought of Denise first (AS DID MGG!) because she was Lisa Bonet and she was pretty and trendy and did what she wanted. But then I'd be like, oooh Olivia! Because I'd have weird fantasies that I was Raven and could play Olivia and be super cute all the time and make everyone laugh just by flashing my (invisible) dimples. Obviously, my fantasy world was one in which skin color set no boundaries (rightly so!). But yeah, so I loved Olivia, and wanted to be her. But then there's Theo, who I had such a soft spot for when a particularly bad flu had mr crying as he dealt with his dyslexia. SO, proof #1 -- MGG and I both like the Cosby Show, andddd we both play fair and can't pick favorites.
(I'm fully aware that this is a stretch at best, but three reasons why we're soulmates sounded better as two and I really wanted to express outrage over the title vs. the actual family name)

TWITTER-POST TWO: "I never met a tree I didn't like"

Um, HELLO! Where did I spent my most formative years, ages 12- 14? Oh thats right, a little school that happened to be called the ENVIRONMENTAL middle school. Trees were our GODS. I'm actually not lying when I say that I have chained myself to a tree before in protest of logging. Nor am I fibbing when I say that I can in fact identify every single tree that is native to the Pacific Northwest -- it was actually a required test to graduate 8th grade (seriously). I am a tree-hugger through and through. I am continually on the search for a man who will not think it weird when I recount stories of middle schoolers standing hand-in-hand in the woods singing Cat Stevens and crying because we had to leave this wonderful school that required us to dress up as trees (made out of recycled material, obvi) for the Earth Day parade and march throughout the streets of Portland in 32 degree weather and pouring rain. Have I finally found such a man?! If so, I'm obviously never letting him leave. Although, he might have to up his game to "I never met a tree I didn't love", because my fervor has certainly passed "like" on the adoration spectrum. Trees and I, we're for life. I can't even read The Giving Tree without breaking down into sobs because trees are my people, man!

TWITTER-POST THREE: "Looking at the worlds largest assemblage of mummies. Best day ever"

it is no secret that i LOVE bones and mummies and weird things like that. when I interned at the British Museum, I got to go on a behind-the-scenes tour of the mummies in storage and see all the face masks and wrappings and pickled cats and the girl I was on the tour with was a stupid bz and kept complaining about the "gross-ness" and i almost shook her by her dumb shoulders, because WHAT could be cooler than something that is a REAL LIVE PERSON who was REALLY ALIVE but now could crack into dust if you aren't careful?! And the Egyptians were so genius and their sarcophagi (right? what the f is the plural of sarcophaguses?) are totally amazeballs and so detailed and mainly I'm just enthralled by how crazy old these fuckers are. I passed this love along to my Museum boss' four year old daughter, Ruby, who I watched many a time. We'd trek up to the mummies and she'd exclaim in her adorable British accent that made me want to steal her, "aren't they scary and amazing?" and she'd giggle and we'd talk about which mummy was the prettiest when they were alive.

So, there you have it. Three semi-ridiculous but vehemently argued reasons why matthew gray gubler and i are perfect for each other. also, three prime examples of why, if I were matthew gray gubler, i'd be terrified of me.

so yesterday marked a momentous occasion in my life -- my first peer wedding. i may or may not have mentioned before that in fact some of my fellow 22 year olds had decided they'd had enough of youth and frivolity and decided to tie the knot and commit to monotony (a decision i obviously can't get on board with). zANYWAYS, after a hasty trip to bed bath and beyond to pick up a saucepan, wedding time had arrived. luckily, a few close friends had also been invited so we could deal with (and judge) the whole situation together, which worked out quite well.

let me just say this -- the bride and the groom are nice people. they're really in love. they've been together since our freshman year of high school, which was in fact like 8 years ago, and just writing that made me excessively depressed because WHERE HAS MY YOUTH GONE? it's all downhill from here. so anyway, i guess i can't shit on them toooo much for this whole marriage debacle. though i still do find it both ridiculous and terrifying. probably why they got married and i am insanely single (just waiting for you, MGG). the ceremony itself was short and sweet, and for a minute there i even forgot about how much i hated the precedent that this wedding was setting, and just basked in the feelings of love and happiness that were floating around.

there were, however, a few things working against me.

number one -- my dear friend karly. i adore karly more than most things, but subtlety and discretion are hardly her strong points. because of these personality deficiencies, karly caused me to choke on my water and have it pour out my nostrils. i've never actually experienced said feeling before; it was not pleasant. it was also uncomfortable because it's was right after the processional music started and the bride's decrepit grandmother was walking down the aisle. hopefully that poor hunchbacked woman didn't think i was laughing at her -- i most assuredly was not. rather, i was laughing at karly's observation that only at a 22 year old's wedding in northeast portland would a tie-dye muumuu with a matching scrunchie and bare feet on a heavily tattoo'd Olsen twin lookalike be not only acceptable, but cause no one to bat an eyelash. the accuracy of the observation combined with the inspiring visual was not a recipe for swallowing success.

number two -- it was the hottest day of the summer so far yesterday. the hottest part of the day in portland is usually around five o'clock; coincidentally the starting time of this particular wedding. by the time we arrived, it was 98 degrees and not a breeze in sight. this spurned quite a few dilemmas (by the way, i ALways assumed that that dilemma was spelled dilemna, because i think it looks more right. i just learned that this was not true, like, last week). the first dilemma was how to actively not sweat through one's dress while simultaneously avoiding scalding one's bare legs on the hot metal chair/making direct girl-parts to chair contact (i mean, through underwear...i think it's an unwritten rule that you have to wear underwear at a wedding, and, to clarify, i did). eventually, burning the flesh off my legs won out as i realized at least no one would be able to see a huge wet spot on the back of my dress where my ass sweat had pooled. a similar dilemma reared it's ugly head when, during the reception, it became necessary to leave the table at times to congratulate the bride/groom, get food, get more food, get booze, etc. however, my chair was completely saturated with sweat, so every time i got up a nice film of moisture was visible for all to see. now i realize every other person was having a similar problem, but sometimes i surprise myself and decide to strive for ladylike-ness, so it was all very difficult and annoying.

number three -- the best man happened to be my prom date. i haven't really spoken to my prom date since, well, prom. mainly because the night ended for us when ONE of us (i won't name names, but please i am classier than this shit) started to vomit. which would be understandable, since we got totally shitfaced post-prom, except we were both in various states of undress and i was looking to get some. LUCKILY our mouths had detached prior to the spectacular flood of puke that was unleashed. UNLUCKILY it still happened and i still saw it. and all that would have been good and fine and a hilarious high school story, except we had to confront each other as normal human beings yesterday and it was not easy for me. i was torn between a desire to laugh in his face and vomit in it for retribution. sadly, but probably for the best, i did neither.

number four -- i was just minding my business, sitting quietly post nasal slip-n-slide when the girl behind me tapped me on the shoulder and asked, "remember me? i think we had spanish together in high school!" by the sheer grace of the all-knowing universe, i was somehow able to pull her name out of my ass and say it like i had known it all along. the rest of the conversation followed, literally, exactly as detailed below:

ME: OMG, A! How are you?! [fake excitement out the wazoo]
A: I'm good. I got married right after I graduated. This is my daughter. She's three.
ME: [kind of bewildered and feeling mayhaps like this is gonna get awk] Oh! She's cute! What's her name?
A: Rayden. It was the only name me and her dad both liked. We're separated now, though.
ME: [thinking to myself, OH fucking lord really?!] Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I like your dress, Rayden!
A: We lived in Japan for two years. Her dad is in the military. I hated it there. I'm glad to be back. My mom's glad, too [points to woman next to Rayden]
ME: Oh, hklsdjdsokfdlsjks. WELP! It's 100 degrees so I'm gonna go get some water, but great seeing you! [mad dash out before i die of laughter/disbelief].

OKAY, first of all -- i don't really actually know this girl. the fact that i remembered her name is both shocking and kind of weird. i'm kind of weirded out at myself. ALSO stop spewing uncomfortable life facts at me, bitch! It was also really just kind of sketch because her voice was super monotone the entire time and she was either super hopped up on anti-depressants (not that I'd blame her, apparently shit's rough), or she's a robot. The latter makes me feel like less of a jackass for judging her, so I hope that's the case.

Verdict: Still think it's ridiculous for 22 year olds to get married, though I can grudgingly admit that it was a very touching event to witness. But I still can't really take them seriously as human beings. Eh, can't win them all.